Sunday Update and a Cup of Tea

Rest day today.  All I did was a 30 minute walk on the treadmill.  Thank God!  My quads are screaming at me every time I go down the stairs.  Not up, just down and I look really pitiful doing it.  I also strained one of the muscles in my armpit so my ability to be pathetic knows no bounds apparently.

Yesterday was the start of a thirty day exercise challenge I'm doing with a fine group of ladies I know.  My goal is to participate in thirty minutes of aerobic activity each day, even if it's only walking.  So far, so good!  Of course, it's only day two.  So time will tell.  I'm really hoping I can stay on track this week.  It's the last week of classes before finals and although I'm sitting pretty well as far as grades go, I always stress out.

In other news; I'm taking up tea.

Just a test run to begin with since I do love these seasonal teas but really know very little about them.  I've heard loose leaf tends to be healthier, green tea is healthier than black, and have no idea where white tea ranks.  All I know is that I want something tasty, something that is a tad sweet so I don't feel the urge to add sweetener, and something that'll make me feel good.

Tag-Team Suicide

I've done it.

In the midst of school finals chaos (and it's totally chaos), I've managed to get back to an exercise routine.  I've been working out but let's face it; sometimes people get lazy and I'm definitely people.  I've rebounded in weight slightly but truth is I'm not worried about it.  I figure it's mostly bloat from the gluten-fest I enjoyed at the in-laws over Thanksgiving.  I paid for it afterwards, but I totally enjoyed.  Very few things beat a South Dakota farm wife's bread pudding for dessert.

But enough of that.  I'm lazy.  Fact.  I'm also fat and want to be thin.  Well, maybe not thin, but at least un-fat.  Therefore... back to the grind.

I'm visiting an old friend.

I kinda missed her.  The way she looks at me from the television screen with an expression that says "I dare ya to quit fatty," and then I tell her what I think about her.

So I'm killing myself doing the thirty days again.  Not nearly as badly as the first time I ever did it, but I'm still hurting.  BUT... I'm not alone this time!  My H, the "I only do manly workouts" guy, is doing it with me!  

We started tonight.  Right after work but before dinner so he could claim he was too full to participate.  It was hard!  It's amazing how much endurance you lose after taking time off.  I'm still in decent shape thankfully, but I did totally get winded a few times. 

We watched the video last night so my H could figure out the moves.  The man has never done anything remotely resembling aerobics in his life.  He thought it looked pretty easy.  The poor man changed his tune by eight minutes in.  Huffing and puffing, red in the face, and complaining of a hurt calf muscle. (He's fine.  I suspect it's less pain and more acceptable burn)  I'm so proud of him. Maybe doing 30 Day Shred will be like a gateway drug and he'll be open to more types of exercise.  Maybe ballroom dancing classes are in our future?  Probably not.  But a girl can dream can't she?

Inner Peace Through Being Lazy

So here's the thing.  I've been having a blast.

I've spent so much time trying and failing when it comes to pleasing people.  Not just others, but myself as well.  I'm my toughest customer.  Then, because I'm a worrier I sit around obsessing over what I could have done differently to be happy, not make someone hate me, or just to have a peaceful day to day life.  That crap gets tiring.  So I'm done.  If I don't like me, you don't like me, or some random jerk on the street doesn't like me... so what?

I've spent the last few months learning to carry on despite nagging thoughts trying to keep me down.  I think I finally figured out how to shut that darn internal fat chick up.  Turns out you can't hear any negativity when you think a truly happy though.  I've tried it before but much like Mr. Potter trying to use the Patronus charm,  I just hadn't managed to nail it.  Finally I found my happy thought and happy place.  I found my joy on a mountaintop.

Biggest bonus?  When you scream from the top of a mountain it eventually screams back at you via an echo. Turns out, when a mountain yells at you it's hard to take it seriously after you just lugged your not super-slim or super-fit butt all the way up to it's summit.

General update:  Not much weight loss, have totally fallen off the wagon and am not eating nearly enough again, have been really active lately, school is eating my soul,

Everyone is a Weight Loss Pro

Do you notice that?

That the second someone loses 10 pounds they automatically become and expert in all things weight loss.  They begin using blanket statements like "Losing weight is easy.  Eat less and exercise more."  They fail.

I'm no expert.  Heck, I've tried to make it transparently clear that I'm just a fatty bumbling along and sharing with you what has worked or failed for me.  If I haven't, I apologize.  Let me say it again:

I'M NOT A PRO!

Why is this important?  Because few people are.  Even the so-called professionals are guilty of weight loss tunnel vision and failure to take into account that everyone is different.  Not just when it comes to motivation, ability, and number of pounds to lose.

Here are my major rants for the day:

*Not everyone trying to lose weight needs to eat healthier and less food.

• Guess what?  I was under-eating.  My caloric intake barely cracked 900 cals on most days.  I was never hungry.  I ate when I was.  
• The reason my per-day caloric intake was so low was because I already was eating healthy foods.  I would gorge myself on mixed greens with homemade balsamic vinaigrette.  Super tasty!  So my lunches hardly cracked 100 calories all counted.  My breakfasts we usually a piece of peanut butter toast and then I'd snack on cheese, nuts, and raw veggies all day.

*Not everyone is fat.

• Just because someone asks for diet advice, doesn't mean they are looking to reduce their caloric intake.
• Some people want to gain weight.  this can be just as difficult as losing.
• Just because YOU think someone looks perfect, doesn't mean you can belittle their attempt at change.  Generally speaking, I think women want to feel pretty.  I'm not saying women should push themselves to lose weight that their body wants to keep, but they can certainly reshape their body with exercise.  Get that toned and athletic figure.

*Just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

• Almost daily I see people defending their questionable choices.  HCG diets are the big one.  People going on and on about how great it is and that they lost oodles of pounds practically overnight.  Whether orally or injected, why would you think that putting hormones or chemicals in your body is a good thing?  And 500 calories is all you eat on some days...  yeah, sounds healthy.  Did you even bother to read ALL the negative reviews on the diet?  I've found nothing but reports of people who gained it all back within a year of ending the program.  Because the bad habits that made them fat in the first place haven't been addressed so they continue to do the same old crap.
• You didn't gain the weight overnight, why would you expect it to disappear that fast.  Good things come to those who wait.

*Everyone is different.

• What works for me might not work for you.  Some people bloat at the first sign of salt, or wheat, or sugar, or soda.  Other people would have to eat a lb of salt before they start retaining.  The only real truth is that water does indeed help flush out your system and that your body IS constantly striving for homeostasis.  Help it out.
• I lost weight eating lots of veggies.  If veggies make you want to vomit, don't force-feed yourself.  just find another healthy alternative that gets you all the good stuff out of food.  I still love food.  If I don't like it, I don't eat it.  A diet that feels like torture is a diet that's easy to give up on.  I would and wouldn't blame you.

*END RANT*

And That's Why I'm Fat

Seriously.

The last month sucked.  Hardcore.  I stopped losing weight.  But that's not really the problem because hell, plateau's happen.  We all know this.  No big deal.  They're frustrating but you just push through, wait it out, switch it up, and get back on track.  Guess what I did instead.  I climbed into an imaginary hole in the ground and waited for the world to just magically fix itself.  I started eating at maintenance and decided that if I feel crappy anyway,  I might as well eat gluten to have a controllable cause for my problems.

I felt out of control.

I got depressed.

The fat chick in the mirror got more vocal.

I stopped wearing my "thin" clothes and traded them for over-sized shirts

I stopped running because I could feel things "jiggle".

I gained 7lbs of gluten bloat virtually overnight.

I wandered aimlessly searching for my path and letting myself get drawn off the course by distractions like school, life, and stupid things like TV shows.

BUT.

I managed to pull it together yesterday and got myself on the road with the destination I want.

I spent hours yesterday cooking.  I made and froze eight lunches and enough egg muffins to equal breakfast for the whole week.  I threw out the breads that had creeped into our home in the last few weeks.  I took a super long shower to cleanse myself of the filthy self-image that I had once again allowed itself to mask what I see in the mirror.

Why is this SO hard?

Because nothing worth doing is easy.

I want this so bad.  Why did I let myself do this to...well... myself?

I've got a new exercise plan too.  Hopefully something new will bring new things.

I'm starting it tomorrow.  Now, I'm not saying that to put it off.  Heck, I might start it tonight if I'm up to it.  At 6pm I'm heading out to the golf course for a vigorous round of walking golf.  I'm pretty sure some warm-up driving, the walk,  plus carrying my bag of clubs will equal a decent workout.

I need this fixed.  Now.  And as soon as I get to my goal I'm going to do my damnedest to not make myself a victim again.

I Have a Rant - We're Programmed

When did we lose control?

When did we become sheep being led throughout our lives with other people telling us how things are supposed to be?  We're programmed.

I typed "ideal breakfast" into the image search on Google and this is the first image that popped up:

This is what we're told is a "good" breakfast.  Look at it. Really look at it.  Is that the best we can really do for ourselves?   Of course not.  But we've been programmed to think that this is what we need.  I'm not saying it's devoid of nutrition by any means!  Although I'm pretty sure the croissant falls more in the "butter" group than the "whole grain" group  ;)

We're so programmed that some people will adamantly argue the appropriateness of your food choices if they see you deviating from what has become the norm. My husband for example, has a huge problem with just the idea of breakfast for dinner.  It's just not right even if many of us are beginning to truly embrace brinner.  A dear friend of mine began eating salads for breakfast.  They are a compact, nutritionally dense meal that can easily be modified to hit the protein, fat levels, etc that a person might want or need.  Oatmeal for breakfast is great.  It just doesn't hit as many points that are beneficial as something like the salads do.  When my friend mentioned her morning salad diet,  some people commented that they couldn't do it themselves.  Why?  For a minute my brain said "that's weird".  Why are we so afraid to step outside the norm?  Americans on the whole are suffering from obesity and a wide range of ailments that can be diet and fitness controlled.  Obviously the norm is NOT WORKING people.  I yell to remind myself to get the message as well.

Doing the same thing on Google, here is the ideal lunch:

That looks... less than thrilling. Nutritious?  SURE!  But positively boring.  Because good-for-you food is all bland, uninspired, and just something you have to consume.  Eat to live, don't live to eat right? I say WRONG.  I want to enjoy every bite that goes into my mouth.

I challenge you. Yeah, you.  I'll do it too.  I challenge you to make a list of all the food you like that's pretty much totally good for you.  Then next to the food, write why it's a poor food choice for each meal.  A lean grilled steak for lunch?  Yeah, it's pretty hard to make one fresh when you're at work all day.  But if you had steak for dinner last night, there isn't any reason leftovers couldn't become sliced steak in a corn tortilla with a bit of cheese and veggies.  Steak tacos!  Heck, it almost sounds better than the original meal.  I had steamed broccoli for part of my breakfast. I eat constantly throughout the day when I'm home so no formal breakfast.  So far today here's my food:

•   7:30am  - 2 light Babybel Cheeses
•   9:00am  - 1 cup of steam broccoli with salt and my healthy "butter" with lots of omegas
• 10:00am  - 4 or 5 fried egg whites (I used egg beaters whites)
• 11:15am  - mixed melon pieces (still eating but I suspect 3-4 cups will be eaten)

Just all foods I like.  Sure, I could make it look "normal".  It's all just a deconstructed broccoli and cheese egg white omelet with a side of fruit.  But I didn't want an omelet and I refuse to eat one just because it's what I should do according to the programming i have received.  I like to think for myself.  That's freedom.

So take the challenge.  Make your lists and share them with me.  if you don't eat a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast just because it's weird, tell me so.  I'd like to know.  I'll post my list tomorrow.

Before and Current

So.   I've been trying really hard lately to be brave.  To love myself.  To see myself as others see me and not as that image of grotesqueness that is burned into my brain.

I've worked hard.  I am not a success yet, but I'm on my way as long as I "just keep swimming" as Dori advises in Finding Nemo. (What a wise, little, forgetful, fish)

I will not give up.  I will embrace change. I will get there.

Failure is a sad, sad place to be and I will not live there again.

I'm not calling this a before and after pic because dangit.  I'm not done yet.

Thank you SO much to all of you that have supported me thus far.  You're my angels.

How'd You Lose All That Weight?

So, online people have lately been asking me exactly how I lost the 50+ lbs so far.  I realized that I haven't really laid it out in single posts but have spread it all across my blog posts.  So here is my answer to how I lost the weight:

How I did it is actually quite simple (in principle) but it took breaking a lot of bad habits and forming new ones to get here.  Here are the basics .

*Get the crap out of the house.  If you have chips in your cupboard 24/7, someone is going to eat them.  If you have frozen processed lunches, it's too easy to grab that.  Remove the ease of access to things.  Example:  i love cake and ice cream.  i never have it in the house any more.  If i want it, I have to debate whether it is worth it to go spend the money, get dressed, take the time to drive to a restaurant type place to get it.  50% of the time it's not so I can avoid it.  The other 50% of the time, I go and enjoy myself.

*Don't lose your favorite foods.  Find healthier alternatives.  For ice cream, there is a frozen yogurt place that has some fat-free and sugar-free choices plus toppings.  I'm going there tonight because their new flavor is "cheesecake".  I'll top it with fresh fruit or even cocoa roasted almonds.  Not only is it not bad for me.. it's actually good for me.  Pizza is a greasy yet flavorful diet killer if you overdo it regularly.  But there are DIY pizza recipes that are delicious and nutritious.  (FYI: turkey pepperoni is just as tasty as regular and WAY better for you)

*Track your food.  All of it.  Everything you put into your mouth has a potential to impact your health.  Hop on a site like SparkPeople.com (it's free and has apps) and you will soon be able to see exactly where your food problems are.  Previous to doing that i was actually an under-eater.  Years of dieting had me slowly reducing my intake until I barely topped 900 calories most days.  I think my first week i tracked a 650 cal day.  Because of that, my body was in starvation mode and holding onto every darn bit of fat it could as a self-preservation technique.

*Start an exercise routine.  It doesn't need to be something huge like taking on the p90x dvd program or running a marathon.  Just get moving.  Even a daily walk with a H/FI can start improving your health.  One of my favorite exercises is playing "chase the kittens"  it's like hide-and-seek but at high speeds all over the house.  20 minutes of that and you feel like you've worked out.

*Set realistic healthy goals but set some superficial ones too.  My goal is to not be the fat mom some day.  When we have kids, I don't want to be too tired to play, I don't want to be an embarrassment to them as teenagers, and I want to teach them how to have a healthy lifestyle so they never have to struggle with this like i have since I was young.  I want to go to the doctor for a yearly physical and just once to be not reminded that I really should lose weight. Side goals: i want to look hot.  I want to walk into stores and not have clerks look at me with that "we only carry normal sizes" pity.  I want to like who I see in the mirror.  i want to wear a bikini in public without feeling like I should wear shorts and a t-shirt over it to not offend people with my blubber.  I want to wear cute flowy dresses and shirts without worrying that it could make me look pregnant.

*Eat your veggies.  Your body needs vitamins.  Veggies and fruits are SO good for you.  If you don't like the taste (like my H didn't) there are tons of ways to prepare them and sneak them in that are delicious.

*Eat breakfast.  I feel like my body doesn't get revved up until I eat something.  Even if it's just a single cheese because I'm not hungry when I first wake up, that wakes up my system.  I feel like it's led to a more efficient body for me.

*Meal planning:  It's not only good for your wallet (helps avoid impulse buys) but it also allows you to make sure you always have healthy food on hand.  I have no "convenience" food in my house.  But i could whip up a dinner right now with only 10 minutes warning because after i shop I come home and do the whole week's meal prep (what I can anyway) and packages everything in little containers.  I have single servings of cheese and meat cubes, cottage cheese, sugar free jello, sugar free pudding, beef jerky, cut veggies and dip.  All of those are free snacks.  If I'm hungry, I eat.  I also portion out things that I'll need for various dinners and cook things like boiled eggs, mini egg bakes for breakfasts, and chicken breasts that all make for easy and quick snacks and salad additions.

*Eat:  getting yourself a healthy diet should not involve suffering needlessly.  If you are hungry, eat.  just stay away from crap foods.  I had heard it before and didn't quite believe it, but crappy food makes you want more crappy food.  A little handful of chips can quickly become half a bag (pop chips are a delicious and healthier alternative)  whereas healthy things seem to satiate me better.  plus, there is no guilt.  If i want more watermelon, cheese, or whatever... I eat it.

*Don't be lazy:  it's SO easy to just say I'll do it later, I'll start tomorrow, or just to keep doing what you've always done.  But we're on a weight loss and fitness board... obviously it hasn't worked.  Sure, maybe someone once lost 40lbs on WW or "dieted" their way to 15 lbs last year.  But if you're here and overweight, regardless of past losses, you're doing it wrong.  The real goal is to get to a weight that's healthy and to maintain it.  Without having to obsess over it.  You want a healthy lifestyle.  Everyone does.  I know I'd like to never count calories or debate over whether I really need a second helping of mashed potatoes and gravy.  It should be intuitive.  I think once I know what all foods are worth to my body completely and totally without thinking, can eat pizza without worrying about the scale, then I think I'll have truly made it.  Because then my lifestyle will be healthy and complete.

Everyone I Know... Lied to Me

True Story.  All my friends and family must be liars.

Before I started effectively losing weight, if i mentioned anything about being overweight, huge, or fat, I'd hear things like:

"Sure you could lose a few pounds, but you're not fat."

"Regardless of your weight, you're so proportionate that you don't hardly look overweight."

*I would then argue that my doctor (and most in the world)  would classify me as morbidly obese according to my height and weight.

"That's ridiculous.  You just have some vanity pounds to shed."

"Those scales for comparison are all kinds of wrong."


Well guess what?

Here's how much weight I've lost:

Fifty-five G.D. pounds.  So logically, if someone had 55 pounds to lose, they must have been fat. 

I'm STILL fat.  Mind you, I'm only barely 5'4.  I do have a larger frame (stupid big wrists that are too huge for bracelets) but even factoring that in, the ideal weight for me would still be in the 130-150 range.

So... true of false?  People who have 50 pounds or more of unnecessary weight are fat.

The only people who would admit I had a problem were perfect strangers.  Random strangers in a check-out line mumbling "fat bitch" if I accidentally bumped them with my cart.  Salesperson in the Abercrombie store suggesting I check out Lane Bryant since "We only carry normal sizes."  Even random asshat guys barking at me as they drove by where I was walking on the sidewalk.  Yeah, barked at.  Not just once either.  And not just in this state.

I mean, obviously people aren't going to walk up to their friend and be "DANG.  You need to lose weight.  That's ridiculous!"  But when asked for a candid appraisal, I don't see why the truth wouldn't be the obvious response.  Feel free to candy-coat it a bit.  Don't be harsh.  But don't lie.  You see, discovering your deceptions only makes me doubt everything else you've ever said to me.

And as you know, most of us fat chicks don't have a lot of self-esteem to spare.

It's Here at Last!

No, nothing so dramatic.  Although I am quite close to throwing myself a party for escaping the 200lb club.  Quite.  Like maybe by this time in a week or two.  But that's not the excitement.

It's salad season again!

Some of you may be wondering at my excitement but that's just because you are unaware of my hippie tendencies.  I generally don't eat salads regularly unless the ingredients are all locally available.  I'm all about local agriculture.  So much so that I've got my own little urban farm planned for my backyard and deck.  Once the weather gives me the A-OK to transplant my seedlings from indoors, my summer will be complete.  I'm growing all the things I love to eat.  A huge amount salad greens, tons of tomatoes, and all the veggies my garden beds can hold.  Hopefully it'll be amazing.  No.  It WILL be amazing.

Gardening season means a return to fresh foods and incessant grilling of dinner.  It's so much easier to eat fresh, green, and healthy foods when it's nice out.  I'm hoping that since I got through the holidays and winter still losing, it'll really jumpstart now.

Finger's crossed!

Goal Victory!

Well, I did it.  As of today it's official.

I've lost 50 pounds.  I am in sight of the day when I'll turn in my membership to the 200 club.  I don't feel a darn bit different, still can't see any change when I look in the mirror, but am SO excited. I'm not going to do any big outward celebration for hitting this milestone but I think leaving the 200 club will demand some kind of partying.  So what do you think I should do?  I need ideas. Not being 200 pounds is a really big deal.  It deserves come kind of major recognition.  But what?

Honestly, I'm pretty sure I didn't think I would reach this point.  I guess I figured my willpower would have waned far before now.  So yeah, I have no clue how to reward myself.  I can do the same old things that I like to do to treat myself.  But I feel like I need something bigger that a visit to my favorite frozen yogurt place and going out to dinner.  Something with pizazz. Ideas?

South Beach is Working

So about the South Beach Diet...

Yeah.  It works for me.

I was so skeptical. It hasn't been easy though.  The food choices on this first phase are SO boring.  But since it's working, who am I to complain too much?  My husband and I have decided to have a party day on Sunday in celebration.  We'll go out for pizza (which my husband has been craving incessantly) and just make a freebie day of it food-wise and then jump right back on the wagon the next day.  We're not going to go into phase two fully though.  Still staying away from the breads, potatoes, and pastas, but we're going to add corn, carrots, and the occasional piece of fruit.  The corn and carrots are a big thing since our side dishes at dinner have been so boring.  Broccoli, asparagus, peas and green beans are just a constant splash of green on our dinner plates.  It'll be nice to be able to add some veggie medleys in again.  I don't think it'll derail us either.  Since it's not like we're going to go on a corn binge.

I find myself lately to be praying for spring weather.  It's still too cold overall (or too sloppy with melting snow) and I'd love to start an evening habit with my husband.  Maybe just a nice walk.  Or even a bicycle ride if I can find one for him at a decent price.  I don't think the poor man has ridden an actual bike in decades.  I really would love to have some sort of exercise that we could do daily together.

I Need an Un-Counselor

So I'm losing weight.  But I'm still not happy.

I started the South Beach Diet yesterday.  Before you go off on a tangent about how carbs are an important part of a balanced diet and how a body NEEDS them, I know.  I have a gluten sensitivity and shouldn't be eating breads, pasta, and such anyway.  So it's not a really big deal for me.  Essentially the first two weeks are just making me cut out excessive sugars (I drink more juice than I should), making me tone down my portions of starches like potatoes and rice (since I can make a whole meal of just these), and just breaking some bad habits I have gotten into.  My meals consist of mostly just lean protein and veggies with a bit of cheese here and there.  Lots of veggies (they have those good carbs).  I'm also doing the push-up, sit-up(crunches), and squat challenges again.  If you're interested you can find them here:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

My weight is down a bit more but I still don't feel good about it.  I mean, realistically I should be feeling great about it.  Here is my ticker as of this morning's weigh-in:

I'm impressed with myself.  That's not just a little weight. And yet, I STILL can't see it.  At all.  I am convinced that I truly do have some sort of body dysmorphic disorder.  I would think that 40 pounds loss should be a visible loss.  Something.  Anything.  But I don't see a difference despite the evidence I do have that includes small sized pants fitting and becoming too large, the guy I'm in class with on Fridays no longer has to scoot his chair forward for me to get by him, and even the fleeting image of myself looking decent in window and door reflections.  If I look in the mirror, I look exactly the same as I did a year ago, and really for decades.  I feel like I need an honest, unbiased, maybe even a harsh assessment of my image by a stranger.  If I could know for sure what other people really see when they look at me, perhaps I can begin to finally really tackle this horrible self-image problem.  I mean damn.  I don't ever feel pretty.  I just want to look in the mirror once and see the real me.  I know I can't be as hideous as what I see because frankly, I'm pretty sure no one would have ever married me if what I see was the visible norm.  it's pretty bad.

So if anyone knows any methods or homeopathic type therapies that might work for my problem, I'd really appreciate it.  I don't feel comfortable visiting any of the small number of counselors or psychiatrists in town because frankly, I've either worked with them or they know my father. Ethics and confidentiality are great, but i just wouldn't be comfortable.  So I'm going to have to continue to shrink myself.  Pun intended.

I Have a Game Plan

So plateaus..  yeah  BIG SUCK.

I tried switching everything up.  I tried everything I could think of.  No Good.  Still fat.

So I'm essentially starting over.  I've been eating at a maintenance the last few days and will continue it for another week in hopes it resets my whole metabolism.  Maybe?  And then I'm hitting the South Beach Diet hardcore.  I needed a sugar detox anyway.  My husband has requested to join me for at least the first two weeks and I'm excited and scared at the same time.  Excited that he's doing something with me, scared he's going to turn into a sugar-withdrawn, cranky, bear that growls at me all day.  He's also agreed to hop on board for some fitness challenges I'm starting on Monday, the 27th of this month.  I've taken part in the past and they were really fun:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/ (modified to crunches)
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

SO...  hopefully that will have me singing again.  Singing songs of weight loss victory.  Only time will tell though.

Stupid weight.  Stupid fat chick.  *sigh*  Makes me want to kick people.  All those who say "Eat less.  Exercise more."  IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY!

I'm Frustrated

I haven't posted in over a week and it's a shame.  I didn't post because frankly, there was nothing good to post about.  But that's not supposed to be the point of this blog.  I don't want to be one of those people that sugar coats everything.  Losing weight is generally not easy.  Developing good habits is not easy.

I've heard a lot of people lately are hitting the frustrated button and that they feel all alone.  You are not alone!  I think there are tons of people out there who are experiencing the same problems but are afraid they'll look like a failure if they admit to them.  You're not a failure until you quit.

I am barely losing weight.  I'm at 31 pounds lost total and that sucker barely moved at all this month even though I'm watching all my calories in and out. I'm eating only healthy food except for the Taco John's extravaganza on Tuesday because damnit, if I'm not losing weight anyway I might as well have some potato oles with cheese sauce (YUM).  I cut out most of my juice consumption, and I'm definitely hitting the gym.  It's the dreaded plateau again and it's driving me bonkers.  My brain is working against me again and I'm getting desperate. I don't just want, I NEED to lose that next 20-ish pounds.  People have been telling me to be happy with my body.  Well, people also tell you that if you don't like something you should fix it.  So I'm trying.

Monday ~ Part 2

See this?

It's almost like an eclipse.  Pretty and the sort of thing you could stare at for a while.  Well...  20 minutes anyway.  That's the picture of my ceiling light down in my gym.  I laid on the floor staring at it because that's pretty much all I could bring myself to do after biking three miles in only 7 minutes.  I don't even know why I did it.  I just randomly was all "I wonder how quickly I could bike 3 miles?"

Fitocracy ~ Check it Out!

I have a competitive streak.

Not that I'm all "OMG I HAVE TO WIN!!"  I'm more "I have to prove I'm not a loser."

I am so glad that a beautiful Rugby Wife i know turned me on to this site.  I can already tell that I'm going to get so much out of it.

Here are the basics of it:

• social network type site - I've already met some great like-minded people.
• really easy to log workouts
• you can schedule workouts and get an email reminder when they're due
• there are groups by interest/region/age/whatever that have individual challenges
• there are quests.  I did one last night that included:  

                                                                   *40 bodyweight lunges
                                                                   *30 bodyweight squats
                                                                   *15 jumping squats
                                                                   *25 pushups
                                                                   *1/2 mile run

It felt GREAT!  The quest aspect pushed myself to complete even though that run was killing me after all those squats.

I think it might be a really great resource.  Really great.  You should check it out.  No cost, no worries.

If you do join, look me up on there.  My screen name is  KickMeImAnna

I've also started a group based off this blog (http://www.fitocracy.com/group/5560/) and have joined a local South Dakota group.  Hope to see you there!

Let's Talk Self-Image

Why isn't this working?

I figured that I'd see some kind of change in myself.  It's there.  Here is the proof:

• I'm wearing a loose size 14 jean instead of barely squeezing myself into a size 18.  
• I noticed yesterday that I no longer need to move the dining table's chair in order to squeeze past the dishwasher when it is open.
• Although still at 30 lbs lost, the weight has moved and now I'm .1 lb away from calling it 31.
• I've run 6 miles for time since Monday where I sprinted most of them. I rock a 9 minute mile.  I think I could barely walk a 20 minute mile when I first started this all.   It's gotten easy enough that I can read while leisure running/jogging and enjoyed the last half of the third Stephanie Plum novel that I'm rereading.
• My tummy is smaller.  When sitting on the couch, nothing is roll-ish when I look down.
• My fat upper arms, while still fat (thanks for the genetics mom!), are not nearly as water-wing-like as they were previously.
• When I contract my calf muscles, I have a very obvious cut in.  I'm pretty fascinated by it.

So even with this list of proof, and others that won't occur to me until after I click the "post" button, I don't SEE it. I can see bits and pieces but when looking at the big picture it's not there at all.  The stupid fat chick that is apparently still securely in residence in my psyche continues to be a major witch and is messing with me.  I try to tell myself positive things.  I try to look on the bright side.  I tell the fat chick in my head to shut up and that she's being ridiculous.  But this is still what I see when I look in a full mirror:

• Look at that gut.  I could never be on the show Biggest Loser because no way in hell would I be able to stand up in front of people in just a sports bra and shorts.  And forget about the tv audience.  No way.
• Seriously, a double chin.  It's not a full one but that's definitely face fat.
• Speaking of face fat, aren't their supposed to be cheekbones?  Oh, they're under that chub.
• Thank God it's not tank top weather, those arms almost flap like wings.  I suppose flying would be good cardio though.
• I can't even bear to look at my thighs or butt.

Am I just incapable of being satisfied and happy?   I want to be.  SO badly.  I don't understand why it's such a hard inner struggle.  My goals aren't anything ridiculous.  At least I don't think so.

• To be healthy enough to be an active, positive role model for children some day.
• To be able to take on challenges like a marathon and know that I've worked hard enough to earn my spot in the ranks of other competitors.
• To never again have a doctor use the word "obese" when talking about my weight.
• To be able to shop in all the stores with cute clothes and not worry about whether they've already sold the one fat size they usually have in stock.
• To lower the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, and a bunch of other icky things.
• To be able to look in the mirror and think "I look cute today."

It's a Miracle?

Maybe a miracle.  Maybe.  I'm skeptical but I'll take it.  I weighed myself this morning and I'm totally down .8 of a pound since yesterday.  Which is weird since I didn't think I was bloated and my scale hasn't said anything favorable to me in weeks.  So I'm just going to pretend that it's a miracle based upon drinking a smoothie yesterday.  Practical?  No.  But I'm going to do it anyway.  I need a boost even if it is a bit of a fabrication.  Either way, I'm still fat.  I've taken to referring to myself as tubby.  My husband isn't pleased and it's probably some big negative mark on my self-esteem tally, but I can't help it.  All I see when I look in the mirror is a chick with a major weight problem.  I'm so sick of it.  Add that to two people in my life telling me what I'm doing wrong with my diet, and I'm about to snap.  Seriously, two months of weight watchers group does not make you an expert.  I'm no expert but dang!  At least I'm trying to figure this out on my own.

BUT  at least I'm eating well.  I'm not even kidding.  These smoothies are frickin' fabulous.  I don't usually push people to be followers and such but you have really got to try one!

Oatmeal and Berries Smoothie

Yield: 1 serving/2 cups


Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup OJ (whatever juice, I used the OJ + omegas)
• 1/2 ripe banana, peeled & frozen
• 1/2 cup of frozen raspberries
• 1 handful mixed spinach greens
• 1 tbsp chia seeds
• 1/2 tbsp honey
• 1/4 cup of ice
• 1/4 C rolled oats
• 1/4 cup yogurt (I used Fage 0%)

Directions:

1. Starting with the liquid, add in the juice. 
2. Now add in the chia seeds, honey, raspberries and oatmeal. 
3. Next, add in the spinach followed by the banana on top which will help weigh it all down.. 
4. Blend until smooth. 
5. Add in your ice cubes and blend some more.

Cheers to a Smooth New Year of Being Healthy!

You know how you guarantee a smooth new year?

Me either but I figured adding smoothies couldn't hurt.

Some of them can look weird or gross, but they really are quite tasty!  For my first day of being a smoothie making fool I decided to go with the classic from the people who have perfected the tasty and yet healthy smoothie, http://greenmonstermovement.com/

Check them out, there are tons of super-healthy smoothie recipes.  I used the classic and have the recipe below listing what exactly I put in mine.

Classic Green Monster

Yield: 1 serving/2 cups


Ingredients:

• 1 cup milk (you can use whatever milk)
• 1 ripe banana, peeled & frozen
• 2 handfuls mixed spinach greens
• 1 tbsp chia seeds
• 1 tbsp nut butter (I used peanut butter)
• 1/4 cup of ice

Directions:

1. Starting with the liquid, add in the milk. 
2. Now add in the chia seeds and peanut butter. 
3. Next, add in the spinach followed by the banana on top which will help weigh it all down.. 
4. Blend until smooth. 
5. Add in your ice cubes and blend some more. 

 It's not the prettiest thing ever, but it tastes of peanut butter and banana. No "veggie" taste at all.  In fact, I think I could have gotten away with adding probably double the spinach and probably will next time.  I think tomorrow's smoothie will be an oatmeal one.  That sounds lovely.

Confession:  I hummed the Popeye theme song while drinking this.  If Popeye the sailor man had been giving out spinach this way, EVERYONE would have been a fan!

I'm Sick. Pity Me.

The title just about sums it up.  I have officially succumbed to the dreaded winter cold. 

My day today includes:

• Staring at the vacuum I plugged in but can't find the motivation to actually use.
• Drinking my calories in the form of ginger ale since it's the only thing my belly won't violently object to.
• Watching trashy tv. Currently "40 Most Shocking Divorces" on vh1.
• Sleeping or at least drifting off randomly.
• Watching the cats spread their toys across the living room floor in an evenly spaced fashion.

It also includes some moderate productivity:

• Organizing my school supplies for the new semester.
• Looking up the school books I need online.
• Losing the last of that holiday water weight.  Meh.
• Revamping my resume and filling out a fun, part-time job application.

I feel like such a pile. I can not bring myself to walk on the treadmill (the bouncing = vom), I am hungry but cooking would be a waste, and my Wednesday chores are ignored completely.

I'll be back when I feel like a human again.