Worse than the plague, natural disasters, and hormonal skin...

Well.. not really.  But due to my unreasonable body hatred, I feel sick to my gut on an equal level with thoughts of plague, disasters, and waking up to find the skin on your face has become a horrific, hormonal mess a la stereotypical teenager.

What's got me sick?

SWIMSUIT SHOPPING.

Did you feel it?  That twisting in the pit of your stomach?

I'm all about people feeling good in the body they have.  I will not judge you for your swimwear choice provided you keep everything legally required to be covered, covered, and don't stick your boobs right in my husbands face (you skank).  BUT.  Remember.  I hate my body.  That nagging voice is still there.  That fat chick telling me:

• I'll look ridiculous
• Nobody wants to see that
• Someone will make you feel ashamed
• Fat people should dress for their size
• They're all gonna laugh at you

How do I deal with that?

I want to look cute and be able to wear a bikini so badly but I'll likely go for a full coverage/slimming/flaw hiding one piece yet again.

Let's Talk "Biggest Loser"

Alright.  No spoilers here so don't fret.

This show makes me feel great about myself in that motivational way that is they can do it, I can do it.  But it also makes me feel oh so very bad about myself.

I've been working so hard on improving my self image.  SO HARD.  And then I see these contestants.  Some of which have very similar weights as I currently do and I think "Oh my God.  Is that how I look?"  Once again, "Are people just being nice to me by not telling me what a blob I look?"  Here are the female contestants that are close-ish in weight to me.

 Only 13 pounds heavier than me.

Only 10 pounds heavier than me.

Only 20 pounds heavier than me.

Only 18 pounds heavier than me.

I just don't get it.  What is wrong in my head?  My body before I started losing weight was likely just as bad as the contestants but now I look at the group photo and think "I am WAY fitter and thinner than those guys."  But the damn numbers.  The numbers say that's not quite true.

Let's Talk Self-Image

Why isn't this working?

I figured that I'd see some kind of change in myself.  It's there.  Here is the proof:

• I'm wearing a loose size 14 jean instead of barely squeezing myself into a size 18.  
• I noticed yesterday that I no longer need to move the dining table's chair in order to squeeze past the dishwasher when it is open.
• Although still at 30 lbs lost, the weight has moved and now I'm .1 lb away from calling it 31.
• I've run 6 miles for time since Monday where I sprinted most of them. I rock a 9 minute mile.  I think I could barely walk a 20 minute mile when I first started this all.   It's gotten easy enough that I can read while leisure running/jogging and enjoyed the last half of the third Stephanie Plum novel that I'm rereading.
• My tummy is smaller.  When sitting on the couch, nothing is roll-ish when I look down.
• My fat upper arms, while still fat (thanks for the genetics mom!), are not nearly as water-wing-like as they were previously.
• When I contract my calf muscles, I have a very obvious cut in.  I'm pretty fascinated by it.

So even with this list of proof, and others that won't occur to me until after I click the "post" button, I don't SEE it. I can see bits and pieces but when looking at the big picture it's not there at all.  The stupid fat chick that is apparently still securely in residence in my psyche continues to be a major witch and is messing with me.  I try to tell myself positive things.  I try to look on the bright side.  I tell the fat chick in my head to shut up and that she's being ridiculous.  But this is still what I see when I look in a full mirror:

• Look at that gut.  I could never be on the show Biggest Loser because no way in hell would I be able to stand up in front of people in just a sports bra and shorts.  And forget about the tv audience.  No way.
• Seriously, a double chin.  It's not a full one but that's definitely face fat.
• Speaking of face fat, aren't their supposed to be cheekbones?  Oh, they're under that chub.
• Thank God it's not tank top weather, those arms almost flap like wings.  I suppose flying would be good cardio though.
• I can't even bear to look at my thighs or butt.

Am I just incapable of being satisfied and happy?   I want to be.  SO badly.  I don't understand why it's such a hard inner struggle.  My goals aren't anything ridiculous.  At least I don't think so.

• To be healthy enough to be an active, positive role model for children some day.
• To be able to take on challenges like a marathon and know that I've worked hard enough to earn my spot in the ranks of other competitors.
• To never again have a doctor use the word "obese" when talking about my weight.
• To be able to shop in all the stores with cute clothes and not worry about whether they've already sold the one fat size they usually have in stock.
• To lower the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, and a bunch of other icky things.
• To be able to look in the mirror and think "I look cute today."

Showing the Fat Chick Who the Boss Is

Happy Monday!  Well, almost Monday.  I'm jumping ahead a bit since I'm actually looking forward to this next week.

I was feeling pretty down last week but some lovely people (and one lady in particular) know how to get me out of a funk.  I needed to snap out of it but I was in a "woe is me" sort of frame of mind.  Damn that fat chick.  Slowly whispering her poison words in my ear.  Damn me for falling for it again! 

She tried to make me feel insignificant.  She tried to make me believe I am a failure.  Well I showed her!

I lost weight again.  Will you look at that!  I'm only 6 pounds away from being halfway to my big goal!  I weighed in at almost 18.5 stone and I'm almost at 17 stone!  What's a stone you ask?  A pound is about .0714 stone.  I'd just flat out say my weight but to be honest, it grosses me out.  So at this point you'll either have to do the math if you're not familiar with units of mass that are used outside the U.S, or just take my word that I'm fat and my current weight indicates a significant improvement.  While it may not seem like a lot of success to you all, I'm just pleased the number is getting smaller instead of bigger.  I was (and still am) terrified that starting school would result in convenience eating, a return to poor nutrition, and a freshman-15 weight gain.  If the fat chick who is the visualization of my negative self image had her way, I'd be blubbering on the couch about how I just want to be happy.  She'd want me to bake a cake because cake makes everything better.  She's partially right, cake is magical, but also calorie laden.  She'd want me to ask my husband to pick up take-out because I'm too busy studying.  Too busy to cook?  Maybe this fat chick doesn't know me as well as she lets on?  She'd also not want me to blog.  The fat chick I see in the mirror wants me to be dependent upon her for all forms of validation.  She wants me to be lonely, fat, and without hope.

The fat chick forgot one thing though.  I really do hate that chick and I really do want to kick her butt.

Some Ups and Some Downs

I mowed the lawn today and was interested to see the stats on what kind of workout it was.  I'm impressed.

 

 

It's neat to see that it's a pretty darn close workout to 30 Day Shred.

I'm having a low self esteem day.  I can see differences in my body.  People are starting to comment on it.  BUT.  I still can't get past the number thing.  It's not like I'm 150 pounds and trying to lose 10 of fat.  I've got like 50 pounds to lose.  It's great that I'm building muscle along with losing fat but I really need those numbers to start moving. 

I need to get to a point where I don't see that weight whenever I look in a mirror.  I want to be comfortable in my skin.  I feel fat all the time. I feel like the elephant in the room.  I knew it was going to be tough to begin fixing my horrible self-image.  I just hoped the weight loss would be a bit smoother.