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Friday, May 27, 2011

Running from the Fat Chick

I accomplished something today.

I know the readouts on my treadmill aren't accurate because things like calories burned are based off of weight and such.  I'm betting I actually burn more calories than it says because I think I weigh more than the average treadmill user.  BUT either way, the digital readout, after my morning run/walk, says I burned more calories than I ever have in a single session on it.

Sure, it's not much.  But you know how much that is?  That's enough that I'm not gonna feel bad about making homemade pizzas for dinner.  I keep them pretty healthy with fresh ingredients and such, but I think 372 calories burned is worth a couple slices of pepperoni thrown on top.  Maybe.  I might just do cheese with veggies and keep my fingers crossed that that number will equal a lower number come next weigh-in.  I'm creeping towards a membership in the 15 pounds lost club and wouldn't want to get wait-listed. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Eat That

I think the fates read my last post and took pity on me. 

That's a good thing since I was starting to think self-destructive thoughts already.  I don't think I would have acted on them, but they were there.  That fat chick in me is not going down without a fight.  Whispering in my ear that I am a pig and need to stop eating so much, and then following it up with the conflicting message that I'm too weak to succeed anyway so I should just throw in the towel and go get a cookie.  Or a box of cookies.  Well, I'll show her.  She's been exceedingly quiet this morning.  She hasn't felt so smug since I stepped on the scale at eight a.m.

Eat THAT fat chick.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I Have a Problem

I should be happy but I'm not.

I haven't lost any more weight, but twelve pounds in a month is really good.  I know this.  The problem is that I think I'm skinnier but I'm not sure.  The obvious answer is to grab a measuring tape, measure everything, and then compare later.  But I can't.

The idea that I am fat was a hard one for me to deal with.  I have had strangers literally stop me on the street to tell me I should lose weight.  It baffles me a bit because it's not like I'm 700 pounds.  I use to just feel like I was on the bigger end of average, but after comments and barking... YES. I've had strangers drive past me and bark three different times and in 3 different states...  I just feel like that many people must know something or see something I didn't.  Now I see it.  I see it every day in the mirror and I try so hard not to look.  That damn fat chick stares back at me with her dopey expressions, bad skin, and practically triple chin.  I really do hate that chick.

To measure myself is too scary and potentially painful.  I don't know how horrible I would feel seeing those measurement numbers.  I just can't get up the guts yet.  I'm not that strong.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Dinner and Dessert

I'm lazy today.  I totally ran a mile and ate healthy, but am too lazy for much else.  Even an extensive blog post.

One thing that has been amazing me lately is our meals.  I've always loved veggies but it amazes me to see how much of our average dinner is good, clean, fresh veggies.  For dinner tonight we had little steaks, corn on the cob, and the biggest asparagus I've ever seen at the farmer's market.

For fun tonight, we went out to the new frozen yogurt place in town.  It was delicious!  I had birthday cake and raspberry frozen yogurt topped with kiwi, blackberries, mango bobas and orange bobas.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Monday Ramblings

I am so frickin' stuffed.  I just ate lunch and it was huge and delicious.  Lettuce, tuna, cheddar and a bit of mayo in a pita with cherries on the side.  I could barely finish it and it wasn't even 300 calories.

It's so funny.  I feel like I'm eating all the time now.  I'm doing three meals and three snacks a day for a total of at least 1500 calories.  It's been a struggle since healthy food tends to be low calorie and then I have to eat tons of food to meet my quota.  I was always told that you had to restrict your calories in order to lose weight.  Apparently, that's not true after all.

I haven't had any major personal victories this week but I did get a free dose of joy courtesy of my husband.  He was talking this weekend (he brought it up like five times) about how amazing it is to see what he is eating nightly since not too long ago he hated a lot of the things I serve him now.  He's developed a love of steamed cauliflower and broccoli, only has soda once a week when he eats lunch out with his coworkers, and encouraged me to make pistachio pudding because "it's worth a try."  I'm so proud of him for giving all these changes a shot.  I know that he would be happy eating pizza, burgers, pasta, and heavy casseroles every night. BUT he's doing it for me.  I have never had anyone support me so fully.  What a great guy.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Happy Reward Saturday!

Today is my off diet day and I did it up in grand style.  I didn't eat excessive calories, but the calories I ate were deliciously nutrient deficient.

Brunch was at noon and consisted of:
  • two over-medium eggs
  • five strips of low sodium bacon
  • one hash brown square
  • one slice of low calorie toast
  • one cup of 100% pure orange juice
Normally, I eat three meals and three snacks a day.  Hopefully I eat enough to equal 1500 calories.  I only ate 1420 today, but I don't dare add another bite.  Breakfast wasn't too ridiculous, but dinner was not diet friendly.

Dinner was at five pm and consisted of:
  • a glass of coca-cola
  • steamed dumplings with dipping sauce
  • pressed duck with plum sauce
Overall a thoroughly delicious day.   We went to the market this morning and bought an almost obscene amount of vegetables and fruits.  We actually like them.  Both of us, not just me.  Although I enjoyed today, I am totally excited about this coming week.  I'm reaching for the "15 lost" goal and can almost feel it in my hand.  Now to go out and get it.

In related diet news:  I was slapping my thigh in time with some music and notice that even relaxed, it doesn't jiggle like it use to.  Not sure if it's due to fat loss or muscle gain, but I like it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Thinspiration

I'm super busy today.

My niece is spending the afternoon with me again and that means I have all my chores, exercising, and quota of trashy daytime TV to get in before the child arrives.  I'm posting some thinspiration today.  Not creepy pro-ana type stuff.  Just some pictures that I use at inspiration and a reminder as to why I'm doing this.  It's not just for my body.  It's for my soul. Maybe, just maybe it'll help you understand me more.  It's helping me understand myself.

 I'd like to not only have a smaller waist, but to have a waist that I wouldn't mind taking a picture like this one of.
 I want to feel graceful and light on my feet instead of like a lumbering hulk.
 I'd like to go out in public in a swimsuit and not have an anxiety attack about whether the huge t-shirt I wear over it is covering enough.
 I'd like to look like the kind of girl that has a treadmill and knows how to use it, instead of looking like the girl who can give you reviews of any restaurant in town.  Although, I totally can.
I want to order water because I think it's delicious, refreshing, and the most perfect thing on Earth. Not because i feel I have to.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bread and a Question

What's the opposite of bread?

Don't say "No bread".  That's the absence of, and not the opposite of.

I ask because I am currently sitting here on the computer, smelling my homemade, no-fat-bread baking and it is inspiring me to do nothing but eat. 

 Luckily, I ran this morning prior to the delicious smell filling my house.  Now I'm thinking that if I could find the opposite of bread, maybe it would inspire me to work harder.  My timer says 23 more minutes until the bread is ready and I fear they shall be torturous.  I haven't had a slice of proper bread since making the dietary change.  Not because bread doesn't have a place in a good diet, but because I love it enough to eat a loaf a day.  I admit it.  I am a bread junkie.

But you know what?  I deserve it today.  My niece is coming over tonight.  She wants me to teach her to make Italian style meatballs.  We'll make some meatballs, I'll test her to see if she still remembers how to make homemade sauce, and then we'll eat them with thick slabs of fresh bread and veggies, and maybe wine glasses filled with sugar-free kool-aid.  Sounds like a perfect night to me.  Best reward ever for losing 10 pounds.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Now is Not the Time to Get Lazy

It's Tuesday, weigh-in day.

I was not optimistic.

I was afraid.

If that scale doesn't show me positive news, I don't know how I will take it.  Losing weight is awesome!  Not gaining weight is pretty darn good too.  Gaining weight makes me feel like a failure.

I don't want to be fat.  I want salesclerks to ask me if I need help, instead of ignoring me.  I want to grab something off the rack and know that it'll fit me.  I want to be glance at by strangers and not worry that they're judging me for ordering a burger instead of a salad.  I don't like me at all.  But maybe, just maybe, it would be easier if I could feel that people liked me.

Today's weigh-in results:

So, I'm still on track and doing enough.  No time to celebrate though.  I followed up my weigh-in with an approximately 380 calorie burning lawn-mowing excursion, have almost finished my first liter of water, and am shortly going to hop on the treadmill for an hour long walk on an incline with the TV show Las Vegas to amuse me during that time.  It's too easy to slack off after a success.  I refuse.  The fat chick in me is trying to convince me that I deserve a day off.  That I've done so well that I can forget about forcing myself to eat enough calories today.  That fat chick... she's a liar.  I hate her.  I must destroy her.


Monday, May 16, 2011

Confession Monday

Happy Monday!

It's a mixed happy, but I'll take it. Good because I'll be burning calories at a rate of 610 an hour by pushing my lawnmower around my decently sized yard.  Bad because my allergies hate me when I mow and I won't be fit for much else afterwards.  Oh well.  Small sacrifices must be made.  And I WANT to make them.  I am currently being taunted by 0.1 of a pound.  I'd be pretty darn happy if my Tuesday weigh-in said 8 pounds lost and 0.1 pound is certainly doable in one day. 

I do have to admit a few things:
  • I'm finding it harder and harder to drink my two liters of water a day. Borderline torture.
  • I'm barely getting close to my calorie goals.  I am trying for 1500 but often only hit 1400.
  • My husband is visibly losing weight without trying and I want to stomp my feet.  It's not fair.
  • I ate a Subway steak and cheese footlong yesterday. The bread tasted like magic in my mouth.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Anna - 1, Scale - 0

My battle with weight and specifically my scale continues but not in the way many would think.

The scale has always been my enemy.  Throwing numbers at me but no solutions. I thought we had reached an understanding and maybe a friendship recently.  I worked hard to lose weight, it showed me what I wanted to see.  Today, it went too far.

Me:  I hope that low calorie taco hasn't made me retain water.  It DID have a lot of sodium.
Scale: *You are 4 pounds fatter (*translated)
Me: Four pounds in 3 days from a little salt?  That's not right.  I'll try again.
Scale:  *Fine, I'll lie to you since you can't handle the truth.  You lost 20 pounds.  Happy?
Me:  Dang it.  I think this thing is broken.  One last try.
Scale: *You're calling me broken?  Fine.  You gained 16 pounds now heifer.  Hope you're happy.
Me:  I hate this scale.  It hurts my feelings.
Husband:  Want me to break it as punishment for hurting your feelings and then get you a new one?
Me:  Yes please.  Maybe one that's not so honest.

Moral of the story:  If you can't beat the scale, break it.

So here's what my shiny new scale looks like:

Disclaimer: That is NOT my weight.

In other, less confrontational news: 

See that?  That's a huge chunk of pineapple being roasted and thus caramelized in a rotisserie.  Just over 200 calories for the whole fruit.  That's tonight's dinner and I'm thrilled to be using my "new" rotisserie.  I put new in quotes because it's new to me but not necessarily new itself.  There is a story there but it'll have to wait for another day.  It would take WAY too long to explain about my husband's magical storage room under the stairs.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I Need To Do Some Decorating

I've been working hard lately.  Not just the exercising, but it's been hard work to come up with the motivation to keep doing it.

This has been my view lately for at least an hour a day.  Frankly, it's boring.  It's in the basement in an area that was definitely the man-cave prior to adding my treadmill.  I know, I know.  Watching TV should be view enough.  But it's not.  Just like how losing weight isn't enough unless the visual improves too.  Luckily, it usually does.  I'm wondering if art around the TV and a new application of polish on my nails will give everything a visual boost.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I Might Have Caught a Glimpse

I weighed in this morning and think I've lost another pound since Saturday.  I'm not logging it yet as an official pound lost.  The scale showed 0.9 pound lost, flickered to 1.0 pound, and then back to 0.9 pound.  It was screwing with me.  Giving me a tiny peek at another pound lost and then taking it away.  My scale may be a jerk. Hopefully I'll be an official 1/10th of a pound lighter tomorrow morning and be able to change my ticker.

So.  I walked into the bathroom today after a good usage of the treadmill and for a second caught a glimpse in my peripheral vision.  I looked fully in the mirror and didn't see anything that resembled that quick glimpse.  I think I saw myself.  Like, the real me.  Not effected by poor self-image or any of that other crap.  Maybe all the exercise is tiring out that miserable fat chick to the point that she was slower than usual to show up in the mirror.

I hate that chick.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm Think I'm Melting

Did you read the title?  Because I really do think I'm melting.

It's really not that hot here at all but heat is relative.  Two days ago the high was 64F.  Today it's 82F and the humidity is thick enough to feel like the air I'm breathing is a hundred times heavier than yesterday.  It's gross.  Hell, I'm gross.  I've turned on the air-conditioner and hopefully it will cool down and dehumidify quickly so I can get my afternoon run in.  Let me rephrase that.  I've turned on the air-conditioner and hopefully it will cool down and dehumidify quickly so I can get my afternoon run in comfortably.   I'm making myself do it even if it doesn't cool down.  I will not be fat anymore.

Know what's good on a hot summer-like day?   Cold food.  I'm not usually a big salad person, but I love a crisp salad on a steamy day.  Thanks to Christmas 2010, I just harvested my first bag of salad greens out of my Aerogarden. I also have some very fragrant basil growing. They're only 2 weeks old, so i only trimmed what I could to eat but they are thriving and delicious.

I'm looking forward to a time when I can order a meal in public without thinking the server is judging me for not ordering a salad.  Maybe I'll get lucky and this heat will help me melt off a few extra pounds.  I don't know how and yes, I do know it's wishful thinking.  Miracles happen sometimes though.  I can use and help I can get though.  This fat thing...  it's no fun.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Day of Rest

So, Sunday is my off day from planned exercise.  Yeah... totally didn't happen.

I was looking in the mirror this morning.  I have a major case of skewed self-image and always hate what I see when looking at myself.  Today was different.  Today I didn't like the fat, blemished, chick I saw but for a split second I saw something new.  The image in the mirror fazed in an out and I saw the image of who I could be if I can banish the other image from my sight.  Not that I have glimpsed  my possible future, I am more resolved than ever.

I need to destroy the fat chick.  I need to kick her ass.

My treadmill helped me burn at least 700 calories today.  I watched two hours of that 16 and Pregnant show and drank a liter of water while walking at a pretty decent clip despite the 10 degree incline.  I don't have as much treadmill finesse as my cat Lucy, but I think I got the job done.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Reward Day!

I randomly decided to weigh myself even though I'm not at the 2 week mark until Monday.
Look what I saw:

That's right!  Five pounds gone already.  I'm excited! I'm 12 days in and already have lost 10% of my total goal.  I know, I know, the first few weigh-ins are probably mostly lost water weight.  But at least it's water weight not on my body any more.

My wonderful husband is completely supporting my weight loss and has even started liking some of the healthier dishes I prepare.  He's willing to make his pants fit a little more on the loose side and we take Saturday off from the diet (within reason) so he really doesn't have any complaints.  In celebration of losing my first 5 pounds, we went to World Market where my wonderful husband got me the perfect reward for losing those five pounds.

So tonight, I will be enjoying my mini, personal bottle of Asti with a single serving of hazelnut chocolate before crawling into a bath.  Not a diet breaker but definitely not something I have every day or even so far this year.  If sparkling wine and chocolate don't equal victory, I don't know what does.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Look at the Fat Chick!

I started my new diet and exercise program an Monday, April 25th.  I started this blog today as a way to log my results and thought along the way.

Am I dieting exclusively to get healthy, extend my life, or to get back to a happy size?  Nope.  Those things are all bonuses of course, but I'm doing this to not be fat.  Fat to me, isn't necessarily the state of being medically overweight or obese.  Fat is when the society you surround yourself with, whether intentionally or not, decides that you are larger than you should be.  You feel like the elephant in the room and are convinced that everyone else sees you that way.  The thought of going clothes shopping makes you feel like vomiting before you even get to the store and experience the anxiety, frustration and even shame.
My official weight loss goals both small and large:
  • 6.25lbs per month
  • 50lbs by Christmas
  • Fit into my favorite skirt (It's a small 10)
  • Walk 30-60 minutes every morning to stimulate breakfast hunger and start the day losing
  • Use Aerobic DVDs at least 3 times per week (30 minute each - dancing)
  • Use dumbbells on aerobic off days to tone arms.
  • Consume more healthy calories
  • Eat throughout the day as opposed to only 2 meals and a snack.
  • Be able to do a 10k in time for the Jingle Bell Run
  • Wear out my new running shoes by Christmas.
  • Like what I see when I look in the mirror.
That last goal is in bold because it's the most important. I hate looking at myself.  All I see is fat.