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Monday, August 29, 2011

I Wasn't Kicked

You know how life always seems to kick people when they're down?

I've been panicking up until about an hour ago.  Like stomach in knots, jittery, panicking and all because I hate to feel out of control and I was still waiting on info from one of my new classes.  It's an online course since I simply cannot imagine making the 45 minute commute to the main campus once the snow begins to fly around here.  My brother made that commute and it once took him 2 hours +.  No thank you.  Well.. I haven't got a syllabus.  I sent an email to the professor and thankfully she wrote back to me today before I could fully spiral into panic.  So that's all sorted.

Since the day was looking so good, I determined that I was in a good place to get some less than stellar news.  I'm been a tad sensitive lately.  So I hopped on the scale and braced for tragedy since I've been eating like absolute shite.  Or more specifically, not eating.

Imagine my surprise!  I lost a pound in the last week!  Someone must have taken pity on me because I don't deserve it.  I really didn't do anything positive besides the usual and even some of that I slacked off on.  I'm trying to promise myself to work harder.

Off topic:  Anyone ever read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley?  It was published in 1932 but it's terribly modern and brilliant.  I'm halfway through it.  Thoughts?

Friday, August 26, 2011

I'm Afraid

I'm going to school as of Monday!

I'm so excited to feel like I have a purpose in life again.  Being unemployed and constantly searching for jobs has made me feel useless and like a big old loser.  I like learning though.  My brain has felt so dull lately.  It'll be great to sharpen it up a bit.  You do lose it if you don't use it.

Even with all the excitement of new books, new bag, news folder, and new super-cute purple paperclips (because I HAD to have them) I am terrified. 

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to juggle being busy with my diet.  It was 3:30pm yesterday when I stopped and realized that I was dizzy from having only had a can of ginger ale all day.  Even with dinner I only ate 600-ish calories.  I know, I know.  There are people who wish they could reduce their calories down to a reasonable point to lose weight and here I am complaining that I need to eat more.  I'm sorry.  I can't just eat a pizza. I wish it was that easy. I've always had an easy time restricting things, adding things... not so much.  I rarely am ever hungry.  It's really hard to enjoy good food when you don't want to be eating it in the first place.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy good food.  BUT I would seriously be content with a soda, veggie cream cheese on an egg bagel, and popcorn for dinner each day.

What if I start gaining weight by going back to school?  What if I just don't have an appetite because I'd rather read and study than eat?  What if I'm a big ol' failure?

I now have a big knot in my stomach that i'm pretty sure is taking up the space food should go.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dear Diary

I posted this on my TK message board today but decided to post it here too since it felt very close to a diary entry after I had posted it.

I am the fat kid.

When I was young, if my mother didn't feel like cooking we had pizza.  i always remember chips, microwave cheese and butter popcorn, and a freezer full of Schwan's frozen foods that included pizza burgers, pot pies, personal pizzas, and fried chicken products.  I remember once asking if my mom would buy oranges since I loved them when they were served at school.  She said they were too expensive and since I liked them they'd disappear too fast.  My sister and I use to chase each other and play loudly.  Until: "Would you just sit down and watch tv?!!  That's quiet at least!"  Until recently I took all of the blame for my weight upon myself.  I didn't want to be the person who always blames their parents and doesn't take responsibility.  But really.  I'm learning to not blame myself as much since I've recently realized that i really was never taught good food habits.

I was a depressed teenager who wanted to fade into the background and was convinced I was just a loser for not being able to be pretty or thin enough.  I can't say I'm not still slightly convinced.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Wanna ask me how P90X is going?

Don't bother.  I haven't started yet.  It's intimidating, I'm a chicken, and being lazy is so much more fun.  But at least I'm honest.  I'll be starting it Monday.  No excuses this time. 

It's hard to come up with motivation to better my body.  I don't know why and I think it's stupid, but it is.  Oddly enough, I have a competitive streak that drives me to beat others.  I was always the little kid who would yell "race ya!" and then take off down the sidewalk.  I think it stemmed from feeling inferior most of the time.  Competition allowed me to earn my place at the top.  To have a victory that others could recognize and appreciate.  I never felt entitled to good things.  Because, well, I never felt good enough.  This experiment/blog is about overcoming the negativity against myself and to stand tall by myself and for myself.  But i still need others to do this. Thank God for them. I've got motivation now!

Today equals 98 days until good old Greedy Pig Fest...  I mean Thanksgiving.  Typically I try to lose 2 or 3 pounds previous to balance out the extra weight a pumpkin pie diet brings.  This year I'm taking part in a weight loss challenge with a few fabulous women.  We're all different shapes and sizes so we're basing the challenge off of percentage of weight loss.  Whoever loses the highest percentage of weight loss in a healthy manner by Thanksgiving wins.  98 days of hardcore working out and watching my diet.  The winner will be mailed prizes from the losers.  Just something little from each of the other participants.  Of course, the losers might be winners themselves.  I don't mind losing if I still pull off a significant weight loss.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

New Beginnings

I've officially finished the 30 Day Shred!  I think I'm going to print out one of these award certificates and fill in my own name.

As much as it sucked hardcore, I think I am better for it.  Here's what I achieved by the end:
  • I don't lose my breath as easily so I was able to swear at Jillian Michaels more efficiently.
  • I noticed I am usually following the harder example of the exercises not the modified.
  • I've learned to drink from my water bottle while doing jump ropes, and high knees.
  • I've regained some of the flexibility I had years ago.  My knee seems stronger for it.
  • I've lost inches.  Most noticeable in my waist.
  • I feel like I accomplished something
BUT.  The fat chick is still here and she's still fat.

Phase 2:  P90X

I'm scared, excited, terrified, and totally hoping for magic.  I'm willing to put the work in, I'm just hoping the program will get the numbers moving on the scale.

Any advice on P90X?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Some Ups and Some Downs

I mowed the lawn today and was interested to see the stats on what kind of workout it was.  I'm impressed.

It's neat to see that it's a pretty darn close workout to 30 Day Shred.

I'm having a low self esteem day.  I can see differences in my body.  People are starting to comment on it.  BUT.  I still can't get past the number thing.  It's not like I'm 150 pounds and trying to lose 10 of fat.  I've got like 50 pounds to lose.  It's great that I'm building muscle along with losing fat but I really need those numbers to start moving. 

I need to get to a point where I don't see that weight whenever I look in a mirror.  I want to be comfortable in my skin.  I feel fat all the time. I feel like the elephant in the room.  I knew it was going to be tough to begin fixing my horrible self-image.  I just hoped the weight loss would be a bit smoother.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Testing Out the New Toy

I did my last day of level 2 of the 30 Day Shred.  Thank God!  I'm ready for level 3.

I hate:
  • plank jack
  • pendulum lunges w/ hammer curls (my knee hates)
  • double crunches

Thanks to my handy-dandy new heart rate monitor, here are my results after doing my dvd workout:

Now.  What they mean?  I'm working on it.  ;)

Monday, August 1, 2011

An Early Birthday Miracle

I am so flipping excited!

No more worrying if my calories burned estimate is right.  No more wondering is I need to eat more because I had a really intense workout.  got an early birthday present today! It's the answer to 99% of my dieting doubts and questions.

It was too late to try it out today, but I'm thrilled to try it tomorrow and finally know how many calories I burn during the 30 Day Shred.  I was supposed to start level 3, but i think I'll do one more day of level 2 just to see the numbers on my most hated workout.

Here are the stats and info on the Polar FT7 heart rate monitor:
  • Clear training guidance for those who want to know if they’re improving their fitness or burning fat.
  • The EnergyPointer tells you if the main effect of your training is fitness improvement or fat burning.
  • Displays calories burned.
  • Comes with comfortable textile transmitter and coded heart rate transmission to avoid cross-talk
  • Average and maximum heart rate of training
  • Heart rate – bpm / %
  • HR-based target zones with visual and audible alarm
  • HRmax (user set)
  • Manual target zone – bpm (upper limit)
  • Polar EnergyPointer
  • Polar OwnCal® – calorie expenditure
  • Polar OwnCode® (5kHz) – coded transmission
  • Training load – available via