January 1st - It doesn't get more "Day 1" than this...

You ready to do this?

No really!  Are you ready?  Because I'm only barely ready.  I seriously need you.  I don't care if you think you'll just bring me down.  You won't.  I've been quite successful the last few years at bringing myself down all by my lonesome.

I'm not gonna let that happen anymore.

So don't worry.  If I can't hurt me, you can't hurt me.

We can just support each other.

Maybe virtually cuddle when times get rough.

OR

Do a long-distance happy dance when things totally rock!

OR

Just be totally weird with you!

I'm also a fan of using my belly like a drum set.

I'm pretty darn talented.

Um.. yeah...  That's a little true too.


Anyway...

Hi.

I like you.

and...  um...

Oh yeah!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm going to try to start this year off right.  By right I mean that I'm going to keep doing what I've been successfully doing, add in a few things that might be a great health boost, and try to stay on track with my exercise and food plans.

No more of this just because I have a long day on my feet and rack up 8 miles at work:

It's so tempting sometimes!

Only this is allowed:

I don't think I'll have too much of a problem since I DO know I need to be in shape for some of the trips planned during this season's hiking season. It's not gonna be an easy one.  I foresee many switchbacks and sore feet.

I HAVE PROOF THAT I'M READY FOR THE NEW YEAR!

LOOK!

I DID A MEAL PLAN!

That's not the amazing part, the amazing part is that I did it early.

The recipes are all tested previously by myself or trusted others, don't have a smidge of gluten anywhere (as I've resolved to not torture myself this year), and are hearty but not as meat-heavy (in general) as a lot of gluten-free diets seem to be.

Until tomorrow....

Worse than the plague, natural disasters, and hormonal skin...

Well.. not really.  But due to my unreasonable body hatred, I feel sick to my gut on an equal level with thoughts of plague, disasters, and waking up to find the skin on your face has become a horrific, hormonal mess a la stereotypical teenager.

What's got me sick?

SWIMSUIT SHOPPING.

Did you feel it?  That twisting in the pit of your stomach?

I'm all about people feeling good in the body they have.  I will not judge you for your swimwear choice provided you keep everything legally required to be covered, covered, and don't stick your boobs right in my husbands face (you skank).  BUT.  Remember.  I hate my body.  That nagging voice is still there.  That fat chick telling me:

• I'll look ridiculous
• Nobody wants to see that
• Someone will make you feel ashamed
• Fat people should dress for their size
• They're all gonna laugh at you

How do I deal with that?

I want to look cute and be able to wear a bikini so badly but I'll likely go for a full coverage/slimming/flaw hiding one piece yet again.

New Year - New Me

I really want to do this.

Hell, I AM doing this.

As each new year comes, I find that so many people want to make huge changes to their lives.  They make lists.  I refuse to make a list of resolutions this year.  Every year it's the same old thing for me and I think for most people.

• Lose weight
• Eat healthier
• Exercise more

People make this list and then fail.  Then I don't know about you, but then I feel crappy about myself.  Not only am I a fat and out of shape person but I'm a big failure on top of it all. [sarcasm font] Well that sounds good for the self-esteem. [/sarcasm font]  So this year, instead of looking forward I shall be looking back.  I think everyone needs to.  What have you done in the previous year that you were not sure you could accomplish?

Now what am I'm proud of?

Look at that!  If I lost 63.5 pounds, what's to stop me from loosing 57.5?

Nothing.

Yeah, you already know I lost 50+.  

This accomplishment had less to do with weight and more with self-image.

It was a really big deal for me to put a picture of myself on the internet.

I climbed a mountain.
Not just a metaphorical one.

The view was worth the near asthma attack due to switchbacks.

All these things worked last year to create a new me.  I'm a work in progress.  I can only work hard and hope that a year from now I am just as pleased with my actions of the past year.

Inner Peace Through Being Lazy

So here's the thing.  I've been having a blast.

I've spent so much time trying and failing when it comes to pleasing people.  Not just others, but myself as well.  I'm my toughest customer.  Then, because I'm a worrier I sit around obsessing over what I could have done differently to be happy, not make someone hate me, or just to have a peaceful day to day life.  That crap gets tiring.  So I'm done.  If I don't like me, you don't like me, or some random jerk on the street doesn't like me... so what?

I've spent the last few months learning to carry on despite nagging thoughts trying to keep me down.  I think I finally figured out how to shut that darn internal fat chick up.  Turns out you can't hear any negativity when you think a truly happy though.  I've tried it before but much like Mr. Potter trying to use the Patronus charm,  I just hadn't managed to nail it.  Finally I found my happy thought and happy place.  I found my joy on a mountaintop.

Biggest bonus?  When you scream from the top of a mountain it eventually screams back at you via an echo. Turns out, when a mountain yells at you it's hard to take it seriously after you just lugged your not super-slim or super-fit butt all the way up to it's summit.

General update:  Not much weight loss, have totally fallen off the wagon and am not eating nearly enough again, have been really active lately, school is eating my soul,

And That's Why I'm Fat

Seriously.

The last month sucked.  Hardcore.  I stopped losing weight.  But that's not really the problem because hell, plateau's happen.  We all know this.  No big deal.  They're frustrating but you just push through, wait it out, switch it up, and get back on track.  Guess what I did instead.  I climbed into an imaginary hole in the ground and waited for the world to just magically fix itself.  I started eating at maintenance and decided that if I feel crappy anyway,  I might as well eat gluten to have a controllable cause for my problems.

I felt out of control.

I got depressed.

The fat chick in the mirror got more vocal.

I stopped wearing my "thin" clothes and traded them for over-sized shirts

I stopped running because I could feel things "jiggle".

I gained 7lbs of gluten bloat virtually overnight.

I wandered aimlessly searching for my path and letting myself get drawn off the course by distractions like school, life, and stupid things like TV shows.

BUT.

I managed to pull it together yesterday and got myself on the road with the destination I want.

I spent hours yesterday cooking.  I made and froze eight lunches and enough egg muffins to equal breakfast for the whole week.  I threw out the breads that had creeped into our home in the last few weeks.  I took a super long shower to cleanse myself of the filthy self-image that I had once again allowed itself to mask what I see in the mirror.

Why is this SO hard?

Because nothing worth doing is easy.

I want this so bad.  Why did I let myself do this to...well... myself?

I've got a new exercise plan too.  Hopefully something new will bring new things.

I'm starting it tomorrow.  Now, I'm not saying that to put it off.  Heck, I might start it tonight if I'm up to it.  At 6pm I'm heading out to the golf course for a vigorous round of walking golf.  I'm pretty sure some warm-up driving, the walk,  plus carrying my bag of clubs will equal a decent workout.

I need this fixed.  Now.  And as soon as I get to my goal I'm going to do my damnedest to not make myself a victim again.

I Have a Rant - We're Programmed

When did we lose control?

When did we become sheep being led throughout our lives with other people telling us how things are supposed to be?  We're programmed.

I typed "ideal breakfast" into the image search on Google and this is the first image that popped up:

This is what we're told is a "good" breakfast.  Look at it. Really look at it.  Is that the best we can really do for ourselves?   Of course not.  But we've been programmed to think that this is what we need.  I'm not saying it's devoid of nutrition by any means!  Although I'm pretty sure the croissant falls more in the "butter" group than the "whole grain" group  ;)

We're so programmed that some people will adamantly argue the appropriateness of your food choices if they see you deviating from what has become the norm. My husband for example, has a huge problem with just the idea of breakfast for dinner.  It's just not right even if many of us are beginning to truly embrace brinner.  A dear friend of mine began eating salads for breakfast.  They are a compact, nutritionally dense meal that can easily be modified to hit the protein, fat levels, etc that a person might want or need.  Oatmeal for breakfast is great.  It just doesn't hit as many points that are beneficial as something like the salads do.  When my friend mentioned her morning salad diet,  some people commented that they couldn't do it themselves.  Why?  For a minute my brain said "that's weird".  Why are we so afraid to step outside the norm?  Americans on the whole are suffering from obesity and a wide range of ailments that can be diet and fitness controlled.  Obviously the norm is NOT WORKING people.  I yell to remind myself to get the message as well.

Doing the same thing on Google, here is the ideal lunch:

That looks... less than thrilling. Nutritious?  SURE!  But positively boring.  Because good-for-you food is all bland, uninspired, and just something you have to consume.  Eat to live, don't live to eat right? I say WRONG.  I want to enjoy every bite that goes into my mouth.

I challenge you. Yeah, you.  I'll do it too.  I challenge you to make a list of all the food you like that's pretty much totally good for you.  Then next to the food, write why it's a poor food choice for each meal.  A lean grilled steak for lunch?  Yeah, it's pretty hard to make one fresh when you're at work all day.  But if you had steak for dinner last night, there isn't any reason leftovers couldn't become sliced steak in a corn tortilla with a bit of cheese and veggies.  Steak tacos!  Heck, it almost sounds better than the original meal.  I had steamed broccoli for part of my breakfast. I eat constantly throughout the day when I'm home so no formal breakfast.  So far today here's my food:

•   7:30am  - 2 light Babybel Cheeses
•   9:00am  - 1 cup of steam broccoli with salt and my healthy "butter" with lots of omegas
• 10:00am  - 4 or 5 fried egg whites (I used egg beaters whites)
• 11:15am  - mixed melon pieces (still eating but I suspect 3-4 cups will be eaten)

Just all foods I like.  Sure, I could make it look "normal".  It's all just a deconstructed broccoli and cheese egg white omelet with a side of fruit.  But I didn't want an omelet and I refuse to eat one just because it's what I should do according to the programming i have received.  I like to think for myself.  That's freedom.

So take the challenge.  Make your lists and share them with me.  if you don't eat a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast just because it's weird, tell me so.  I'd like to know.  I'll post my list tomorrow.

I Have a Game Plan

So plateaus..  yeah  BIG SUCK.

I tried switching everything up.  I tried everything I could think of.  No Good.  Still fat.

So I'm essentially starting over.  I've been eating at a maintenance the last few days and will continue it for another week in hopes it resets my whole metabolism.  Maybe?  And then I'm hitting the South Beach Diet hardcore.  I needed a sugar detox anyway.  My husband has requested to join me for at least the first two weeks and I'm excited and scared at the same time.  Excited that he's doing something with me, scared he's going to turn into a sugar-withdrawn, cranky, bear that growls at me all day.  He's also agreed to hop on board for some fitness challenges I'm starting on Monday, the 27th of this month.  I've taken part in the past and they were really fun:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/ (modified to crunches)
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

SO...  hopefully that will have me singing again.  Singing songs of weight loss victory.  Only time will tell though.

Stupid weight.  Stupid fat chick.  *sigh*  Makes me want to kick people.  All those who say "Eat less.  Exercise more."  IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY!

Fitocracy ~ Check it Out!

I have a competitive streak.

Not that I'm all "OMG I HAVE TO WIN!!"  I'm more "I have to prove I'm not a loser."

I am so glad that a beautiful Rugby Wife i know turned me on to this site.  I can already tell that I'm going to get so much out of it.

Here are the basics of it:

• social network type site - I've already met some great like-minded people.
• really easy to log workouts
• you can schedule workouts and get an email reminder when they're due
• there are groups by interest/region/age/whatever that have individual challenges
• there are quests.  I did one last night that included:  

                                                                   *40 bodyweight lunges
                                                                   *30 bodyweight squats
                                                                   *15 jumping squats
                                                                   *25 pushups
                                                                   *1/2 mile run

It felt GREAT!  The quest aspect pushed myself to complete even though that run was killing me after all those squats.

I think it might be a really great resource.  Really great.  You should check it out.  No cost, no worries.

If you do join, look me up on there.  My screen name is  KickMeImAnna

I've also started a group based off this blog (http://www.fitocracy.com/group/5560/) and have joined a local South Dakota group.  Hope to see you there!

Let's Talk Self-Image

Why isn't this working?

I figured that I'd see some kind of change in myself.  It's there.  Here is the proof:

• I'm wearing a loose size 14 jean instead of barely squeezing myself into a size 18.  
• I noticed yesterday that I no longer need to move the dining table's chair in order to squeeze past the dishwasher when it is open.
• Although still at 30 lbs lost, the weight has moved and now I'm .1 lb away from calling it 31.
• I've run 6 miles for time since Monday where I sprinted most of them. I rock a 9 minute mile.  I think I could barely walk a 20 minute mile when I first started this all.   It's gotten easy enough that I can read while leisure running/jogging and enjoyed the last half of the third Stephanie Plum novel that I'm rereading.
• My tummy is smaller.  When sitting on the couch, nothing is roll-ish when I look down.
• My fat upper arms, while still fat (thanks for the genetics mom!), are not nearly as water-wing-like as they were previously.
• When I contract my calf muscles, I have a very obvious cut in.  I'm pretty fascinated by it.

So even with this list of proof, and others that won't occur to me until after I click the "post" button, I don't SEE it. I can see bits and pieces but when looking at the big picture it's not there at all.  The stupid fat chick that is apparently still securely in residence in my psyche continues to be a major witch and is messing with me.  I try to tell myself positive things.  I try to look on the bright side.  I tell the fat chick in my head to shut up and that she's being ridiculous.  But this is still what I see when I look in a full mirror:

• Look at that gut.  I could never be on the show Biggest Loser because no way in hell would I be able to stand up in front of people in just a sports bra and shorts.  And forget about the tv audience.  No way.
• Seriously, a double chin.  It's not a full one but that's definitely face fat.
• Speaking of face fat, aren't their supposed to be cheekbones?  Oh, they're under that chub.
• Thank God it's not tank top weather, those arms almost flap like wings.  I suppose flying would be good cardio though.
• I can't even bear to look at my thighs or butt.

Am I just incapable of being satisfied and happy?   I want to be.  SO badly.  I don't understand why it's such a hard inner struggle.  My goals aren't anything ridiculous.  At least I don't think so.

• To be healthy enough to be an active, positive role model for children some day.
• To be able to take on challenges like a marathon and know that I've worked hard enough to earn my spot in the ranks of other competitors.
• To never again have a doctor use the word "obese" when talking about my weight.
• To be able to shop in all the stores with cute clothes and not worry about whether they've already sold the one fat size they usually have in stock.
• To lower the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, and a bunch of other icky things.
• To be able to look in the mirror and think "I look cute today."

Empty Victory

I'm feeling down again.

I don't understand why my body, or brain, or whatever, is letting this fat chick take control.  I should be be pleased today.  I've done it!  I've officially moved to the other side of my weight loss ticker.

I was happy, don't get me wrong.  I got that wonderful, warm, cheerful feeling in my heart but it faded so quickly.  Second after it was replaced by the insidious voice of that fat chick inside me.  I thought I was destroying her but the whispers have began again.  Looking in the mirror, I don't see twenty-six pounds gone.  She whispers, "what's the point of weight loss if you can't see it at all?"  Reminds me that I still look fat. She makes me look at the spots on my naked body that are disgusting and obviously not changed by weight loss.

Twenty-six pounds is a lot!  That's the weight of three good-sized newborn babies.  You would think I could see something.  Heck, I think I should see something.  But no. That bastard of a fat chick is still in control.  Why won't she leave me be?  I just want to look in the mirror once and think "ooh.  I look good!"  Is that too much to ask for?  I mean, I didn't even really feel pretty on my wedding day.  This sucks!

Weight Loss Goal Met.

Hi.  I'm officially less fat today than I was yesterday.

But you know what?  I can't really see it.  It's 20 pounds!  That's like 3 small newborn babies.  You would think that it would be evident I had lost that much. It's not.  I still feel fat as ever.  SO..  I think it really must be all in my head this time.  That whole "the first step is admitting you have a problem" saying is right.  I'm there.  I know that my perception of myself is skewed.   I'm working on it but I really don't have a clue what I am doing.  No clue other than that I've begun to tell myself to shut up if that little voice in my ear gets loud and negative.

Showing the Fat Chick Who the Boss Is

Happy Monday!  Well, almost Monday.  I'm jumping ahead a bit since I'm actually looking forward to this next week.

I was feeling pretty down last week but some lovely people (and one lady in particular) know how to get me out of a funk.  I needed to snap out of it but I was in a "woe is me" sort of frame of mind.  Damn that fat chick.  Slowly whispering her poison words in my ear.  Damn me for falling for it again! 

She tried to make me feel insignificant.  She tried to make me believe I am a failure.  Well I showed her!

I lost weight again.  Will you look at that!  I'm only 6 pounds away from being halfway to my big goal!  I weighed in at almost 18.5 stone and I'm almost at 17 stone!  What's a stone you ask?  A pound is about .0714 stone.  I'd just flat out say my weight but to be honest, it grosses me out.  So at this point you'll either have to do the math if you're not familiar with units of mass that are used outside the U.S, or just take my word that I'm fat and my current weight indicates a significant improvement.  While it may not seem like a lot of success to you all, I'm just pleased the number is getting smaller instead of bigger.  I was (and still am) terrified that starting school would result in convenience eating, a return to poor nutrition, and a freshman-15 weight gain.  If the fat chick who is the visualization of my negative self image had her way, I'd be blubbering on the couch about how I just want to be happy.  She'd want me to bake a cake because cake makes everything better.  She's partially right, cake is magical, but also calorie laden.  She'd want me to ask my husband to pick up take-out because I'm too busy studying.  Too busy to cook?  Maybe this fat chick doesn't know me as well as she lets on?  She'd also not want me to blog.  The fat chick I see in the mirror wants me to be dependent upon her for all forms of validation.  She wants me to be lonely, fat, and without hope.

The fat chick forgot one thing though.  I really do hate that chick and I really do want to kick her butt.

New Beginnings

I've officially finished the 30 Day Shred!  I think I'm going to print out one of these award certificates and fill in my own name.

As much as it sucked hardcore, I think I am better for it.  Here's what I achieved by the end:

• I don't lose my breath as easily so I was able to swear at Jillian Michaels more efficiently.
• I noticed I am usually following the harder example of the exercises not the modified.
• I've learned to drink from my water bottle while doing jump ropes, and high knees.
• I've regained some of the flexibility I had years ago.  My knee seems stronger for it.
• I've lost inches.  Most noticeable in my waist.
• I feel like I accomplished something

BUT.  The fat chick is still here and she's still fat.

Phase 2:  P90X

I'm scared, excited, terrified, and totally hoping for magic.  I'm willing to put the work in, I'm just hoping the program will get the numbers moving on the scale.

Any advice on P90X?