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Monday, June 27, 2011

I Wanna Rock

You know what?

I am SO sick of people limiting the goals and sometimes dreams of other people.  I've had a bad last two weeks.  I had some life crud going on, I was discouraged from losing weight and exercise, and I was having a major pity party for myself.  The worst part, I couldn't even have cake at my pity party because the cake I crave is definitely not on the diet at this time.  I'm sick of negative people and I'm sick of myself for allowing them to weasel their thoughts into my subconscious and even conscious thoughts.

You know what?

I don't care if it's vain.  I don't care if I'm "not losing weight for the right reasons".  I don't care if you think I'm just gonna fail.  I don't care whether you think my eating habits are dumb.  I don't care whether I get "healthier".

I just wanna not be fat.  I wanna rock.  I want to kick my own butt and make that fat chick in the mirror go to hell.

I want to love myself like a fat kid loves cake.  I want to wear dresses and feel pretty in them.  I want to be happy.  I want to be thin and toned. 

I have the right to rock. 

I'm going to rock.

I'm working on a new playlist right now.  I'm getting together all the songs that make me rock and then I'm going to rock n roll this weight off.  I'm gonna do it because I want to.  Not because other people think i need to.  Screw them.  This is between me and my internal fat chick.  It might get ugly.  It'll be worth it. I'm not gonna take it anymore.  I'm gonna fight.  Anyone who tries to stop me or slow me down is gonna pay.  It's my life.

In an effort to start fresh today and in butt kicking mode, I've traded in my breakfast yogurt or toast for something a tad different to hopefully get my body out of this rut it's in.  I must have shocked my system with that quick 14 pound weight loss.  I gained 2 of it back and officially lost them again as of this morning. 

So I had a lovely breakfast of organic Cascadian Farm Honey Nut O's in whole milk with blueberries on top.  I'm going back to basics.  Simple, clean foods, that also happen to be delicious.  I'll have scrambled eggs, albacore, cauliflower, and maybe some fruit later.  For dinner we'll do something in the grilled chicken with quinoa and veggies realm.  Maybe some cherry Jello for dessert.  Because although there is no more room in my mind for a fat chick to dwell there, as far as my belly is concerned, there is always room for Jello.

If you have read this whole rant, please treat yourself to a pat on the back.  Even I had to stop halfway through and come back later.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

What the Hell?

I refuse to do the whole measurement thing.  It's too depressing.  I haven't lost a single pound in two weeks.  In fact, I've gained half a pound. Could be building muscle, but still.  I need to not be fat.  I need to feel good about myself just once and that darn scale was coming pretty darn close to making me feel good.  I'm a pound away from 15 lbs lost.  Throw me a frickin' bone! 

Be warned.  I AM in a mood today.

Since I'm venting, here are a couple more things that have irked me lately:
  • When people ask for diet/exercise help, why do people insist on listing things that aren't accessible to everyone?  I've been repeatedly told to take up swimming, to use a certain phone app to get fit, and to buy the P90X system.  Yeah, most people don't have a swimming pool or spend the high rate for a big gym plus pool membership.  Also, most people don't have app friendly phones and I'm sure as hell not going to go out and buy a $300 phone just to track calories.  Oh, and heart rate monitors...  $100 might be "cheap" to you, but it's sure as hell not to me.  that's more than I spend on food in a whole week.
  • Don't assume that people need to lose weight because they have trouble with self-control.  Not all of us are fat because we can't avoid eating a whole tub of ice cream a day or because we think fast-food is the best choice for dinner each night.  Get this:  some of us are fat because we don't want to be fat.  To avoid being fat, I slowly restricted myself for years.  I ate less than the skinny girls I hung out with.  I turned down seconds of a tasty dinner even if it was healthy.  Turns out, I wasn't eating enough to lose weight. I was inadvertently starving myself.  I was eating less than half of what I'm supposed to eat. Thanks to all the jerks in the world like the guys who barked at me on different occasions, the waiter who assumed I wanted a salad and diet coke, and the blind date guy who had meth-mouth (eww) but left the date early because he thought I'd be prettier.

Monday, June 13, 2011

In A Slump

I haven't been losing weight lately.  It hasn't been long, but it dropped off so abruptly that I know something has to be up.  After talking to some wise people today, I've been convinced that I'm burning enough calories that with my current caloric intake I'm being put into non-burning starvation mode.  To try to cure this, I'm going to try adding an extra 200 calories per day that I work out.  Wanna see where I got my extra 200 today?

This is MY kinda dieting!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Four Things

First:  @KickMeImAnna

Second:  I'm so discouraged,  It's getting harder and harder to eat enough food per day.  No doubt the primary  reason for my slowed down weight loss. I'm lonely all the time.  I'm a social person but the majority of oral conversation in my day is with my cats and that's pathetic.  I have friends that I only talk to online, but they have lives and I don't want to seem needy or ever bring anyone down.

Third:  I'm having inspiration issues when it comes to cooking.  My husband has been SO good about trying new things lately, but he really is a picky eater still and I'd hate so be constantly making foods he doesn't like just because I'm the one with fat issues.  So I feel like we're having the same thing almost every night.  Grilled chicken breast with some kind of sauce/marinade/rub, steamed broccoli/cauliflower, and corn/peas/green beans.  SO boring!  I try to keep a complete dinner under 500 calories. 
This week we're having:
  • hamburgers, grilled corn, and oven fries
  • pork loin chops with sauteed mushrooms, broccoli, and veggie medley
  • cedar plank herb chicken and green beans.
  • beef roast, potatoes, carrots, and peas
  • chicken fried rice and broccoli
Sounds pretty good.  It's just so tough since I've got thousands or recipes I can't use since they have words like heavy cream, pan full of oil, & add more butter in many of them.

Fourth:  I am kinda proud of myself for taking part in the 200 sit-up challenge, 100 push-up challenge, and soon we'll start the 200 squat challenge.  I'm earning my badges.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I'm Frustrated

I'm really down on myself today.

I'm fighting to get it under control but it's hard.  Today is my easy day for working out but that just means I'm not going to run and don't have the 200 sit-up challenge to do. (Which IS going well.)  Here is my game plan as far as working out:
  • mow the lawn without setting the mower on automatic.  It'll take an hour of pushing for my big lawn.
  • clean all the floors.  A little vacuuming but mostly wood floor scrubbing.
  • walk for an hour on an incline at a decent clip.
  • do laundry.  It'll require multiple trips up and down the stairs since I won't use the basket.
  • jumping jacks.  As many as I can do.
  • crunches.  Just a few.
It just doesn't seem like enough.  Nothing I do ever seems like enough.  I looked so darn fat when I looked in the mirror today.  I know I just started six weeks ago, but I feel like I should look just a tiny bit less fat by now.  No miracles.  I just need a self-confidence boost.
Side note:  I ordered new workout gear from Fila.  If it doesn't fit, I'm gonna cry.
  I'm not asking for weight-loss to be easy.  I'd just like my efforts to be rewarded in a bit of a more obvious way.  I'm at almost 15 pounds lost and I cannot see any difference.  Sometimes I think some part of me is thinner or smoother, but there really isn't a change.  I'm so frustrated. I want to scream. More importantly, I want to do more and am scared of overdoing it.  I don't want to add any extra muscle yet.  I just want the fat gone.

Anyone have any tips or tricks to help me shed this crap?  Both the weight AND the emotional baggage?

Monday, June 6, 2011

New Week - New Program - New Strength

I'm starting a brand new program today.  Well...  programs. I've kinda meshed a few programs into one big "Kick the Fat Chick's Ass" super-program.  Here is what I did today:
  • 5 sets of crunches. (9-9-6-6-35)
  • 30 jumping jacks (I haven't done those in FOREVER)
  • 1 mile fast walk on a level 8 incline (15:00)
  • 1 mile speed bike ride (3:20)
  • 25 Ab Roller crunches
I'm also planning on doing my long walk later once I can feel my legs again.  It's on an incline too. It's a nice walk at about 3 mph, for an hour, while watching television.  Just work enough to keep my heart rate in the fat burning zone.  I need to know I'm in that zone more than ever.  Due to my increased workouts in the last month, I have been hungry constantly.  I can't remember ever being hungry before.  My metabolism must have awakened from it's decade-plus long comatose state. I'm eating right in my calorie range but dang!  I feel like a pig since I'm constantly eating. Three meals and three snacks a day.  Here is my meal plan for the day:
  1. two slices of peanut butter toast
  2. fage 0% greek yogurt with local honey
  3. two fish tacos and steamed broccoli
  4. bratwurst in a bun
  5. grilled bbq chicken breast with broccoli, corn, and white chocolate pudding
  6. popcorn with cheese powder sprinkled on top 

Friday, June 3, 2011

Kick Me

Kick me.

Seriously.  Feel free to get a little aggression or anger out.  I can take it.  I'm begging for it.  Just get it over with.  There must be a sign taped to my back entreating those around to "Kick Me".  Otherwise why am I the target?

Is it because I'm fat? Does that make me less worth of human kindness?
I'm I a loser that obviously cannot succeed at anything I attempt?
What does sabotaging me do?  Are my failures your victories?
Is my pursuit of happiness all in vain and you hope to save me from disappointment?
Are you just a bad person?

I'm sorry to rant but those are the thought going through my mind lately.  There is no strength.  My little niece reminds me to "just keep swimming" but I feel like I've lost my abilities and can only dog-paddle to keep my head above water.  This last week has been hard.  Everyone knows I'm dieting and working out.  I tell people because it keeps me honest, I hope then that they'll support me by not offering me non-diet foods, and because I don't mind a little positive attention.  If people know you're dieting, they're not afraid to ask you if you've lost weight.  Apparently, no one's afraid to speak their mind anyway.

Let me tell you a few stories.
I was being driven around town after a doctor's appointment yesterday.  The game plan was to hit up some yard sales, maybe get a bit of lunch, and then to be dropped off at home.  I look up to discover where we are going as we park in front of a cupcake shop.  Going in, the driver inquires of me which cupcake look best.  My response: "I don't have an opinion since I can't eat any of them. As you know, I'm dieting."  Her response: "Oh whatever!  You can have a couple.  I give you permission."
Them: I have a pair of jeans you can have.
Me: Why don't you want them?
Them: They don't fit me right.
Me: How come?
Them:  I lost weight and now they're fat jeans. but they'll fit you.

So if you see a "kick me" sign on my back, just do it and get it over with.  kick me, I'm fat.  I'm over it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

New Programs

I'm totally excited.

There are some new programs, (at least new to me) that work much like the Couch to 5K program.  I did that program successfully, so hopefully these will work as well:
There is also a one hundred and fifty dips program, and a twenty-five pull-ups program is in the works.  I'd love to give that a shot except I haven't got a pull-up bar and don't trust those door frame ones you can buy.  A couple fabulous ladies have volunteered to try out the programs with me and I so hope that we're all successful.  On Monday, we're going to start with the sit-ups and then get a little crazy three weeks in and try to add the push-ups. When the sit-ups are done, then we will do the squats.  It sounds a bit insane, but one heck of a strength building workout.

I think I'm building muscle lately anyway.  My pants are definitely a touch loose, but I haven't lost a single tenth of a pound.  I'd rather lose some visible numbers, but i suppose there is still plenty of time for that,