January 1st - It doesn't get more "Day 1" than this...

You ready to do this?

No really!  Are you ready?  Because I'm only barely ready.  I seriously need you.  I don't care if you think you'll just bring me down.  You won't.  I've been quite successful the last few years at bringing myself down all by my lonesome.

I'm not gonna let that happen anymore.

So don't worry.  If I can't hurt me, you can't hurt me.

We can just support each other.

Maybe virtually cuddle when times get rough.

OR

Do a long-distance happy dance when things totally rock!

OR

Just be totally weird with you!

I'm also a fan of using my belly like a drum set.

I'm pretty darn talented.

Um.. yeah...  That's a little true too.


Anyway...

Hi.

I like you.

and...  um...

Oh yeah!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm going to try to start this year off right.  By right I mean that I'm going to keep doing what I've been successfully doing, add in a few things that might be a great health boost, and try to stay on track with my exercise and food plans.

No more of this just because I have a long day on my feet and rack up 8 miles at work:

It's so tempting sometimes!

Only this is allowed:

I don't think I'll have too much of a problem since I DO know I need to be in shape for some of the trips planned during this season's hiking season. It's not gonna be an easy one.  I foresee many switchbacks and sore feet.

I HAVE PROOF THAT I'M READY FOR THE NEW YEAR!

LOOK!

I DID A MEAL PLAN!

That's not the amazing part, the amazing part is that I did it early.

The recipes are all tested previously by myself or trusted others, don't have a smidge of gluten anywhere (as I've resolved to not torture myself this year), and are hearty but not as meat-heavy (in general) as a lot of gluten-free diets seem to be.

Until tomorrow....

Weight Shaming

Where the hell do we get off? No really? Who died and made Americans the final word on what is right and proper? Who told us we had to regulate the world? We are so darn opinionated and eager to fix the lives of other people. But who made us the boy scouts of the universe? If we don't like it, it must be wrong. That's the impression I get from acts like cutting french fries from kid's meals at fast food places, regulating how many ounces of soda is "too much", and blatant weight shaming. Both under and over weight people get it but the fat shaming is ridiculous. Even in jest, it can hurt. People think that's a good thing because it "motivates to change." Well damnit! Maybe I don't want to change! But I will. Because America makes it hard to feel beautiful when everything seems to be saying otherwise. Have you seen something about weight that's really gotten to you? Wanna vent?

Everyone I Know... Lied to Me

True Story.  All my friends and family must be liars.

Before I started effectively losing weight, if i mentioned anything about being overweight, huge, or fat, I'd hear things like:

"Sure you could lose a few pounds, but you're not fat."

"Regardless of your weight, you're so proportionate that you don't hardly look overweight."

*I would then argue that my doctor (and most in the world)  would classify me as morbidly obese according to my height and weight.

"That's ridiculous.  You just have some vanity pounds to shed."

"Those scales for comparison are all kinds of wrong."


Well guess what?

Here's how much weight I've lost:

Fifty-five G.D. pounds.  So logically, if someone had 55 pounds to lose, they must have been fat. 

I'm STILL fat.  Mind you, I'm only barely 5'4.  I do have a larger frame (stupid big wrists that are too huge for bracelets) but even factoring that in, the ideal weight for me would still be in the 130-150 range.

So... true of false?  People who have 50 pounds or more of unnecessary weight are fat.

The only people who would admit I had a problem were perfect strangers.  Random strangers in a check-out line mumbling "fat bitch" if I accidentally bumped them with my cart.  Salesperson in the Abercrombie store suggesting I check out Lane Bryant since "We only carry normal sizes."  Even random asshat guys barking at me as they drove by where I was walking on the sidewalk.  Yeah, barked at.  Not just once either.  And not just in this state.

I mean, obviously people aren't going to walk up to their friend and be "DANG.  You need to lose weight.  That's ridiculous!"  But when asked for a candid appraisal, I don't see why the truth wouldn't be the obvious response.  Feel free to candy-coat it a bit.  Don't be harsh.  But don't lie.  You see, discovering your deceptions only makes me doubt everything else you've ever said to me.

And as you know, most of us fat chicks don't have a lot of self-esteem to spare.

My Motivation... Have You Seen It?

Another week, another pound lost.

But I don't even care.  That makes me sad.  I should be all YAY I'M LOSING WEIGHT!!!!!! but instead i really can't even get motivated enough to celebrate.  I'd rather just sit here on the couch and... well... sit.  It's around seven pm on Saturday and my poor husband hasn't been fed dinner.  I don't even really care.  It's not like he's going to starve.  He'll fend for himself if need be.  The kicker?  I'M hungry and can't be bothered to make anything.  So yes, I am depressed. 

It's not a dire sort of depression as of yet.  I'm still here enough to recognize the problem and I'm pretty sure I could snap myself out of this round of it.  I'm gonna try anyway.  I've made a hair appointment for Tuesday.  I hate to spend money on myself. Hate it.  If it will make me feel beautiful, it'll be worth the cost.  Heck, the scalp massage is worth the cost.  While I'm there, I shall peruse their OPI nail polish selection and bring something pretty home to do my nails with.  Maybe something festive!  I wish I could find this:

It's OPI's color called "The Rainbow Connection" that's coming out along with the new Muppets movie in November.  I want it.  Doesn't it just look like a bottle full of happy?  Of course, I'll probably have talked myself out of spending money by then.

I Wasn't Kicked

You know how life always seems to kick people when they're down?

I've been panicking up until about an hour ago.  Like stomach in knots, jittery, panicking and all because I hate to feel out of control and I was still waiting on info from one of my new classes.  It's an online course since I simply cannot imagine making the 45 minute commute to the main campus once the snow begins to fly around here.  My brother made that commute and it once took him 2 hours +.  No thank you.  Well.. I haven't got a syllabus.  I sent an email to the professor and thankfully she wrote back to me today before I could fully spiral into panic.  So that's all sorted.

Since the day was looking so good, I determined that I was in a good place to get some less than stellar news.  I'm been a tad sensitive lately.  So I hopped on the scale and braced for tragedy since I've been eating like absolute shite.  Or more specifically, not eating.

Imagine my surprise!  I lost a pound in the last week!  Someone must have taken pity on me because I don't deserve it.  I really didn't do anything positive besides the usual and even some of that I slacked off on.  I'm trying to promise myself to work harder.


Off topic:  Anyone ever read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley?  It was published in 1932 but it's terribly modern and brilliant.  I'm halfway through it.  Thoughts?

Dear Diary

I posted this on my TK message board today but decided to post it here too since it felt very close to a diary entry after I had posted it.

I am the fat kid.

When I was young, if my mother didn't feel like cooking we had pizza.  i always remember chips, microwave cheese and butter popcorn, and a freezer full of Schwan's frozen foods that included pizza burgers, pot pies, personal pizzas, and fried chicken products.  I remember once asking if my mom would buy oranges since I loved them when they were served at school.  She said they were too expensive and since I liked them they'd disappear too fast.  My sister and I use to chase each other and play loudly.  Until: "Would you just sit down and watch tv?!!  That's quiet at least!"  Until recently I took all of the blame for my weight upon myself.  I didn't want to be the person who always blames their parents and doesn't take responsibility.  But really.  I'm learning to not blame myself as much since I've recently realized that i really was never taught good food habits.

I was a depressed teenager who wanted to fade into the background and was convinced I was just a loser for not being able to be pretty or thin enough.  I can't say I'm not still slightly convinced.

Motivation

Wanna ask me how P90X is going?

Don't bother.  I haven't started yet.  It's intimidating, I'm a chicken, and being lazy is so much more fun.  But at least I'm honest.  I'll be starting it Monday.  No excuses this time. 

It's hard to come up with motivation to better my body.  I don't know why and I think it's stupid, but it is.  Oddly enough, I have a competitive streak that drives me to beat others.  I was always the little kid who would yell "race ya!" and then take off down the sidewalk.  I think it stemmed from feeling inferior most of the time.  Competition allowed me to earn my place at the top.  To have a victory that others could recognize and appreciate.  I never felt entitled to good things.  Because, well, I never felt good enough.  This experiment/blog is about overcoming the negativity against myself and to stand tall by myself and for myself.  But i still need others to do this. Thank God for them. I've got motivation now!

Today equals 98 days until good old Greedy Pig Fest...  I mean Thanksgiving.  Typically I try to lose 2 or 3 pounds previous to balance out the extra weight a pumpkin pie diet brings.  This year I'm taking part in a weight loss challenge with a few fabulous women.  We're all different shapes and sizes so we're basing the challenge off of percentage of weight loss.  Whoever loses the highest percentage of weight loss in a healthy manner by Thanksgiving wins.  98 days of hardcore working out and watching my diet.  The winner will be mailed prizes from the losers.  Just something little from each of the other participants.  Of course, the losers might be winners themselves.  I don't mind losing if I still pull off a significant weight loss.

Diet vs Boobs

We've all heard women complain that the first place on their body that loses weight is their breasts.  I wouldn't mind if that happened to me as long as I lost weight all over so I'm at least proportioned.  They're kinda big and a pain anyway.

So a few weeks ago, I had to start putting on my bras by using the middle of the three rows in the back.  I was like,

"Huh?  Guess I lost weight around my rib cage.  Maybe I'll luck out and go down a cup size."

Then last week, I had to start putting on my bras by using the tightest of the three rows in the back.  I was like,

"Weird.  Maybe these bras are all stretchy so I can't tell the cup difference."

Then this morning I put on a bra and realized  that it was so loose that it was bra shopping day.  I went to Kohl's, picked up a few bras, tried them on and bought this cute Olga one (below - Kohl's model pictured) along with some more serviceable ones and some underwear that don't look like saggy old lady undies.  Yep.  I lost weight in my butt too.  Some clothes look better, but some like the underwear...  not so flattering.

But...  I just bought a smaller size band.  This diet hates me.  I swear my boobs are bigger.  I bought my normal cup size since I kinda refuse to buy anything in the ridiculous size ranges.

Another weird thing I've noticed lately:  my socks don't fit properly.  I don't think I suffered from fat-foot-syndrome and that I've lost weight in my feet, but what other explanation is there?

What the Hell?

I refuse to do the whole measurement thing.  It's too depressing.  I haven't lost a single pound in two weeks.  In fact, I've gained half a pound. Could be building muscle, but still.  I need to not be fat.  I need to feel good about myself just once and that darn scale was coming pretty darn close to making me feel good.  I'm a pound away from 15 lbs lost.  Throw me a frickin' bone! 

Be warned.  I AM in a mood today.

Since I'm venting, here are a couple more things that have irked me lately:

• When people ask for diet/exercise help, why do people insist on listing things that aren't accessible to everyone?  I've been repeatedly told to take up swimming, to use a certain phone app to get fit, and to buy the P90X system.  Yeah, most people don't have a swimming pool or spend the high rate for a big gym plus pool membership.  Also, most people don't have app friendly phones and I'm sure as hell not going to go out and buy a $300 phone just to track calories.  Oh, and heart rate monitors...  $100 might be "cheap" to you, but it's sure as hell not to me.  that's more than I spend on food in a whole week.
• Don't assume that people need to lose weight because they have trouble with self-control.  Not all of us are fat because we can't avoid eating a whole tub of ice cream a day or because we think fast-food is the best choice for dinner each night.  Get this:  some of us are fat because we don't want to be fat.  To avoid being fat, I slowly restricted myself for years.  I ate less than the skinny girls I hung out with.  I turned down seconds of a tasty dinner even if it was healthy.  Turns out, I wasn't eating enough to lose weight. I was inadvertently starving myself.  I was eating less than half of what I'm supposed to eat. Thanks to all the jerks in the world like the guys who barked at me on different occasions, the waiter who assumed I wanted a salad and diet coke, and the blind date guy who had meth-mouth (eww) but left the date early because he thought I'd be prettier.

In A Slump

I haven't been losing weight lately.  It hasn't been long, but it dropped off so abruptly that I know something has to be up.  After talking to some wise people today, I've been convinced that I'm burning enough calories that with my current caloric intake I'm being put into non-burning starvation mode.  To try to cure this, I'm going to try adding an extra 200 calories per day that I work out.  Wanna see where I got my extra 200 today?

This is MY kinda dieting!

Four Things

First:  @KickMeImAnna

Second:  I'm so discouraged,  It's getting harder and harder to eat enough food per day.  No doubt the primary  reason for my slowed down weight loss. I'm lonely all the time.  I'm a social person but the majority of oral conversation in my day is with my cats and that's pathetic.  I have friends that I only talk to online, but they have lives and I don't want to seem needy or ever bring anyone down.

Third:  I'm having inspiration issues when it comes to cooking.  My husband has been SO good about trying new things lately, but he really is a picky eater still and I'd hate so be constantly making foods he doesn't like just because I'm the one with fat issues.  So I feel like we're having the same thing almost every night.  Grilled chicken breast with some kind of sauce/marinade/rub, steamed broccoli/cauliflower, and corn/peas/green beans.  SO boring!  I try to keep a complete dinner under 500 calories. 
This week we're having:

• hamburgers, grilled corn, and oven fries
• pork loin chops with sauteed mushrooms, broccoli, and veggie medley
• cedar plank herb chicken and green beans.
• beef roast, potatoes, carrots, and peas
• chicken fried rice and broccoli

Sounds pretty good.  It's just so tough since I've got thousands or recipes I can't use since they have words like heavy cream, pan full of oil, & add more butter in many of them.

Fourth:  I am kinda proud of myself for taking part in the 200 sit-up challenge, 100 push-up challenge, and soon we'll start the 200 squat challenge.  I'm earning my badges.

I'm Frustrated

I'm really down on myself today.

I'm fighting to get it under control but it's hard.  Today is my easy day for working out but that just means I'm not going to run and don't have the 200 sit-up challenge to do. (Which IS going well.)  Here is my game plan as far as working out:

• mow the lawn without setting the mower on automatic.  It'll take an hour of pushing for my big lawn.
• clean all the floors.  A little vacuuming but mostly wood floor scrubbing.
• walk for an hour on an incline at a decent clip.
• do laundry.  It'll require multiple trips up and down the stairs since I won't use the basket.
• jumping jacks.  As many as I can do.
• crunches.  Just a few.

It just doesn't seem like enough.  Nothing I do ever seems like enough.  I looked so darn fat when I looked in the mirror today.  I know I just started six weeks ago, but I feel like I should look just a tiny bit less fat by now.  No miracles.  I just need a self-confidence boost.

Side note:  I ordered new workout gear from Fila.  If it doesn't fit, I'm gonna cry.

  I'm not asking for weight-loss to be easy.  I'd just like my efforts to be rewarded in a bit of a more obvious way.  I'm at almost 15 pounds lost and I cannot see any difference.  Sometimes I think some part of me is thinner or smoother, but there really isn't a change.  I'm so frustrated. I want to scream. More importantly, I want to do more and am scared of overdoing it.  I don't want to add any extra muscle yet.  I just want the fat gone.

Anyone have any tips or tricks to help me shed this crap?  Both the weight AND the emotional baggage?

Kick Me

Kick me.

Seriously.  Feel free to get a little aggression or anger out.  I can take it.  I'm begging for it.  Just get it over with.  There must be a sign taped to my back entreating those around to "Kick Me".  Otherwise why am I the target?

Is it because I'm fat? Does that make me less worth of human kindness?
I'm I a loser that obviously cannot succeed at anything I attempt?
What does sabotaging me do?  Are my failures your victories?
Is my pursuit of happiness all in vain and you hope to save me from disappointment?
Are you just a bad person?

I'm sorry to rant but those are the thought going through my mind lately.  There is no strength.  My little niece reminds me to "just keep swimming" but I feel like I've lost my abilities and can only dog-paddle to keep my head above water.  This last week has been hard.  Everyone knows I'm dieting and working out.  I tell people because it keeps me honest, I hope then that they'll support me by not offering me non-diet foods, and because I don't mind a little positive attention.  If people know you're dieting, they're not afraid to ask you if you've lost weight.  Apparently, no one's afraid to speak their mind anyway.

Let me tell you a few stories.

I was being driven around town after a doctor's appointment yesterday.  The game plan was to hit up some yard sales, maybe get a bit of lunch, and then to be dropped off at home.  I look up to discover where we are going as we park in front of a cupcake shop.  Going in, the driver inquires of me which cupcake look best.  My response: "I don't have an opinion since I can't eat any of them. As you know, I'm dieting."  Her response: "Oh whatever!  You can have a couple.  I give you permission."

Them: I have a pair of jeans you can have.
Me: Why don't you want them?
Them: They don't fit me right.
Me: How come?
Them:  I lost weight and now they're fat jeans. but they'll fit you.

So if you see a "kick me" sign on my back, just do it and get it over with.  kick me, I'm fat.  I'm over it.

Eat That

I think the fates read my last post and took pity on me. 

That's a good thing since I was starting to think self-destructive thoughts already.  I don't think I would have acted on them, but they were there.  That fat chick in me is not going down without a fight.  Whispering in my ear that I am a pig and need to stop eating so much, and then following it up with the conflicting message that I'm too weak to succeed anyway so I should just throw in the towel and go get a cookie.  Or a box of cookies.  Well, I'll show her.  She's been exceedingly quiet this morning.  She hasn't felt so smug since I stepped on the scale at eight a.m.

Eat THAT fat chick.

I Have a Problem

I should be happy but I'm not.

I haven't lost any more weight, but twelve pounds in a month is really good.  I know this.  The problem is that I think I'm skinnier but I'm not sure.  The obvious answer is to grab a measuring tape, measure everything, and then compare later.  But I can't.

The idea that I am fat was a hard one for me to deal with.  I have had strangers literally stop me on the street to tell me I should lose weight.  It baffles me a bit because it's not like I'm 700 pounds.  I use to just feel like I was on the bigger end of average, but after comments and barking... YES. I've had strangers drive past me and bark three different times and in 3 different states...  I just feel like that many people must know something or see something I didn't.  Now I see it.  I see it every day in the mirror and I try so hard not to look.  That damn fat chick stares back at me with her dopey expressions, bad skin, and practically triple chin.  I really do hate that chick.

To measure myself is too scary and potentially painful.  I don't know how horrible I would feel seeing those measurement numbers.  I just can't get up the guts yet.  I'm not that strong.

My Thinspiration

I'm super busy today.

My niece is spending the afternoon with me again and that means I have all my chores, exercising, and quota of trashy daytime TV to get in before the child arrives.  I'm posting some thinspiration today.  Not creepy pro-ana type stuff.  Just some pictures that I use at inspiration and a reminder as to why I'm doing this.  It's not just for my body.  It's for my soul. Maybe, just maybe it'll help you understand me more.  It's helping me understand myself.

 I'd like to not only have a smaller waist, but to have a waist that I wouldn't mind taking a picture like this one of.

 I want to feel graceful and light on my feet instead of like a lumbering hulk.

 I'd like to go out in public in a swimsuit and not have an anxiety attack about whether the huge t-shirt I wear over it is covering enough.

 I'd like to look like the kind of girl that has a treadmill and knows how to use it, instead of looking like the girl who can give you reviews of any restaurant in town.  Although, I totally can.

I want to order water because I think it's delicious, refreshing, and the most perfect thing on Earth. Not because i feel I have to.

Now is Not the Time to Get Lazy

It's Tuesday, weigh-in day.

I was not optimistic.

I was afraid.

If that scale doesn't show me positive news, I don't know how I will take it.  Losing weight is awesome!  Not gaining weight is pretty darn good too.  Gaining weight makes me feel like a failure.

I don't want to be fat.  I want salesclerks to ask me if I need help, instead of ignoring me.  I want to grab something off the rack and know that it'll fit me.  I want to be glance at by strangers and not worry that they're judging me for ordering a burger instead of a salad.  I don't like me at all.  But maybe, just maybe, it would be easier if I could feel that people liked me.

Today's weigh-in results:

So, I'm still on track and doing enough.  No time to celebrate though.  I followed up my weigh-in with an approximately 380 calorie burning lawn-mowing excursion, have almost finished my first liter of water, and am shortly going to hop on the treadmill for an hour long walk on an incline with the TV show Las Vegas to amuse me during that time.  It's too easy to slack off after a success.  I refuse.  The fat chick in me is trying to convince me that I deserve a day off.  That I've done so well that I can forget about forcing myself to eat enough calories today.  That fat chick... she's a liar.  I hate her.  I must destroy her.

CURRENT PROGRESS: 9 POUNDS GONE  41 TO GO

I Need To Do Some Decorating

I've been working hard lately.  Not just the exercising, but it's been hard work to come up with the motivation to keep doing it.

This has been my view lately for at least an hour a day.  Frankly, it's boring.  It's in the basement in an area that was definitely the man-cave prior to adding my treadmill.  I know, I know.  Watching TV should be view enough.  But it's not.  Just like how losing weight isn't enough unless the visual improves too.  Luckily, it usually does.  I'm wondering if art around the TV and a new application of polish on my nails will give everything a visual boost.


CURRENT PROGRESS: 6 POUNDS GONE  44 TO GO

Look at the Fat Chick!

I started my new diet and exercise program an Monday, April 25th.  I started this blog today as a way to log my results and thought along the way.

Am I dieting exclusively to get healthy, extend my life, or to get back to a happy size?  Nope.  Those things are all bonuses of course, but I'm doing this to not be fat.  Fat to me, isn't necessarily the state of being medically overweight or obese.  Fat is when the society you surround yourself with, whether intentionally or not, decides that you are larger than you should be.  You feel like the elephant in the room and are convinced that everyone else sees you that way.  The thought of going clothes shopping makes you feel like vomiting before you even get to the store and experience the anxiety, frustration and even shame.
My official weight loss goals both small and large:

• 6.25lbs per month
• 50lbs by Christmas
• Fit into my favorite skirt (It's a small 10)
• Walk 30-60 minutes every morning to stimulate breakfast hunger and start the day losing
• Use Aerobic DVDs at least 3 times per week (30 minute each - dancing)
• Use dumbbells on aerobic off days to tone arms.
• Consume more healthy calories
• Eat throughout the day as opposed to only 2 meals and a snack.
• Be able to do a 10k in time for the Jingle Bell Run
• Wear out my new running shoes by Christmas.
• Like what I see when I look in the mirror.

That last goal is in bold because it's the most important. I hate looking at myself.  All I see is fat.

CURRENT PROGRESS: 3 POUNDS GONE  47 TO GO