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Friday, August 26, 2011

I'm Afraid

I'm going to school as of Monday!

I'm so excited to feel like I have a purpose in life again.  Being unemployed and constantly searching for jobs has made me feel useless and like a big old loser.  I like learning though.  My brain has felt so dull lately.  It'll be great to sharpen it up a bit.  You do lose it if you don't use it.

Even with all the excitement of new books, new bag, news folder, and new super-cute purple paperclips (because I HAD to have them) I am terrified. 

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to juggle being busy with my diet.  It was 3:30pm yesterday when I stopped and realized that I was dizzy from having only had a can of ginger ale all day.  Even with dinner I only ate 600-ish calories.  I know, I know.  There are people who wish they could reduce their calories down to a reasonable point to lose weight and here I am complaining that I need to eat more.  I'm sorry.  I can't just eat a pizza. I wish it was that easy. I've always had an easy time restricting things, adding things... not so much.  I rarely am ever hungry.  It's really hard to enjoy good food when you don't want to be eating it in the first place.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy good food.  BUT I would seriously be content with a soda, veggie cream cheese on an egg bagel, and popcorn for dinner each day.

What if I start gaining weight by going back to school?  What if I just don't have an appetite because I'd rather read and study than eat?  What if I'm a big ol' failure?

I now have a big knot in my stomach that i'm pretty sure is taking up the space food should go.

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