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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I Need an Un-Counselor

So I'm losing weight.  But I'm still not happy.

I started the South Beach Diet yesterday.  Before you go off on a tangent about how carbs are an important part of a balanced diet and how a body NEEDS them, I know.  I have a gluten sensitivity and shouldn't be eating breads, pasta, and such anyway.  So it's not a really big deal for me.  Essentially the first two weeks are just making me cut out excessive sugars (I drink more juice than I should), making me tone down my portions of starches like potatoes and rice (since I can make a whole meal of just these), and just breaking some bad habits I have gotten into.  My meals consist of mostly just lean protein and veggies with a bit of cheese here and there.  Lots of veggies (they have those good carbs).  I'm also doing the push-up, sit-up(crunches), and squat challenges again.  If you're interested you can find them here:

My weight is down a bit more but I still don't feel good about it.  I mean, realistically I should be feeling great about it.  Here is my ticker as of this morning's weigh-in:

I'm impressed with myself.  That's not just a little weight. And yet, I STILL can't see it.  At all.  I am convinced that I truly do have some sort of body dysmorphic disorder.  I would think that 40 pounds loss should be a visible loss.  Something.  Anything.  But I don't see a difference despite the evidence I do have that includes small sized pants fitting and becoming too large, the guy I'm in class with on Fridays no longer has to scoot his chair forward for me to get by him, and even the fleeting image of myself looking decent in window and door reflections.  If I look in the mirror, I look exactly the same as I did a year ago, and really for decades.  I feel like I need an honest, unbiased, maybe even a harsh assessment of my image by a stranger.  If I could know for sure what other people really see when they look at me, perhaps I can begin to finally really tackle this horrible self-image problem.  I mean damn.  I don't ever feel pretty.  I just want to look in the mirror once and see the real me.  I know I can't be as hideous as what I see because frankly, I'm pretty sure no one would have ever married me if what I see was the visible norm.  it's pretty bad.

So if anyone knows any methods or homeopathic type therapies that might work for my problem, I'd really appreciate it.  I don't feel comfortable visiting any of the small number of counselors or psychiatrists in town because frankly, I've either worked with them or they know my father. Ethics and confidentiality are great, but i just wouldn't be comfortable.  So I'm going to have to continue to shrink myself.  Pun intended.

1 comment:

  1. I have this exact same problem. I lost 40 pounds and have kept it off and am attempting to lose more. I've gone down from a size 16 to a size 10 and most of my clothes don't fit anymore. However, when I look in the mirror I still don't see it and I have what I have been calling phantom fat...where I feel self concious about the fat that is around my middle..but when I pinch it doesn't actually exist! I feel like I am crazy! The only thing that has helped is to give up the scale which is REALLY hard to do. IF I give up the scale and start to compliment myself once a day in the mirror I start to see myself differently. however, sometimes the smallest thing can derail that. I know this is probably not helpful in the way that you how to change it. But I wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.