Sunday Update and a Cup of Tea

Rest day today.  All I did was a 30 minute walk on the treadmill.  Thank God!  My quads are screaming at me every time I go down the stairs.  Not up, just down and I look really pitiful doing it.  I also strained one of the muscles in my armpit so my ability to be pathetic knows no bounds apparently.

Yesterday was the start of a thirty day exercise challenge I'm doing with a fine group of ladies I know.  My goal is to participate in thirty minutes of aerobic activity each day, even if it's only walking.  So far, so good!  Of course, it's only day two.  So time will tell.  I'm really hoping I can stay on track this week.  It's the last week of classes before finals and although I'm sitting pretty well as far as grades go, I always stress out.

In other news; I'm taking up tea.

Just a test run to begin with since I do love these seasonal teas but really know very little about them.  I've heard loose leaf tends to be healthier, green tea is healthier than black, and have no idea where white tea ranks.  All I know is that I want something tasty, something that is a tad sweet so I don't feel the urge to add sweetener, and something that'll make me feel good.

Tag-Team Suicide

I've done it.

In the midst of school finals chaos (and it's totally chaos), I've managed to get back to an exercise routine.  I've been working out but let's face it; sometimes people get lazy and I'm definitely people.  I've rebounded in weight slightly but truth is I'm not worried about it.  I figure it's mostly bloat from the gluten-fest I enjoyed at the in-laws over Thanksgiving.  I paid for it afterwards, but I totally enjoyed.  Very few things beat a South Dakota farm wife's bread pudding for dessert.

But enough of that.  I'm lazy.  Fact.  I'm also fat and want to be thin.  Well, maybe not thin, but at least un-fat.  Therefore... back to the grind.

I'm visiting an old friend.

I kinda missed her.  The way she looks at me from the television screen with an expression that says "I dare ya to quit fatty," and then I tell her what I think about her.

So I'm killing myself doing the thirty days again.  Not nearly as badly as the first time I ever did it, but I'm still hurting.  BUT... I'm not alone this time!  My H, the "I only do manly workouts" guy, is doing it with me!  

We started tonight.  Right after work but before dinner so he could claim he was too full to participate.  It was hard!  It's amazing how much endurance you lose after taking time off.  I'm still in decent shape thankfully, but I did totally get winded a few times. 

We watched the video last night so my H could figure out the moves.  The man has never done anything remotely resembling aerobics in his life.  He thought it looked pretty easy.  The poor man changed his tune by eight minutes in.  Huffing and puffing, red in the face, and complaining of a hurt calf muscle. (He's fine.  I suspect it's less pain and more acceptable burn)  I'm so proud of him. Maybe doing 30 Day Shred will be like a gateway drug and he'll be open to more types of exercise.  Maybe ballroom dancing classes are in our future?  Probably not.  But a girl can dream can't she?

Inner Peace Through Being Lazy

So here's the thing.  I've been having a blast.

I've spent so much time trying and failing when it comes to pleasing people.  Not just others, but myself as well.  I'm my toughest customer.  Then, because I'm a worrier I sit around obsessing over what I could have done differently to be happy, not make someone hate me, or just to have a peaceful day to day life.  That crap gets tiring.  So I'm done.  If I don't like me, you don't like me, or some random jerk on the street doesn't like me... so what?

I've spent the last few months learning to carry on despite nagging thoughts trying to keep me down.  I think I finally figured out how to shut that darn internal fat chick up.  Turns out you can't hear any negativity when you think a truly happy though.  I've tried it before but much like Mr. Potter trying to use the Patronus charm,  I just hadn't managed to nail it.  Finally I found my happy thought and happy place.  I found my joy on a mountaintop.

Biggest bonus?  When you scream from the top of a mountain it eventually screams back at you via an echo. Turns out, when a mountain yells at you it's hard to take it seriously after you just lugged your not super-slim or super-fit butt all the way up to it's summit.

General update:  Not much weight loss, have totally fallen off the wagon and am not eating nearly enough again, have been really active lately, school is eating my soul,

Everyone is a Weight Loss Pro

Do you notice that?

That the second someone loses 10 pounds they automatically become and expert in all things weight loss.  They begin using blanket statements like "Losing weight is easy.  Eat less and exercise more."  They fail.

I'm no expert.  Heck, I've tried to make it transparently clear that I'm just a fatty bumbling along and sharing with you what has worked or failed for me.  If I haven't, I apologize.  Let me say it again:

I'M NOT A PRO!

Why is this important?  Because few people are.  Even the so-called professionals are guilty of weight loss tunnel vision and failure to take into account that everyone is different.  Not just when it comes to motivation, ability, and number of pounds to lose.

Here are my major rants for the day:

*Not everyone trying to lose weight needs to eat healthier and less food.

• Guess what?  I was under-eating.  My caloric intake barely cracked 900 cals on most days.  I was never hungry.  I ate when I was.  
• The reason my per-day caloric intake was so low was because I already was eating healthy foods.  I would gorge myself on mixed greens with homemade balsamic vinaigrette.  Super tasty!  So my lunches hardly cracked 100 calories all counted.  My breakfasts we usually a piece of peanut butter toast and then I'd snack on cheese, nuts, and raw veggies all day.

*Not everyone is fat.

• Just because someone asks for diet advice, doesn't mean they are looking to reduce their caloric intake.
• Some people want to gain weight.  this can be just as difficult as losing.
• Just because YOU think someone looks perfect, doesn't mean you can belittle their attempt at change.  Generally speaking, I think women want to feel pretty.  I'm not saying women should push themselves to lose weight that their body wants to keep, but they can certainly reshape their body with exercise.  Get that toned and athletic figure.

*Just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

• Almost daily I see people defending their questionable choices.  HCG diets are the big one.  People going on and on about how great it is and that they lost oodles of pounds practically overnight.  Whether orally or injected, why would you think that putting hormones or chemicals in your body is a good thing?  And 500 calories is all you eat on some days...  yeah, sounds healthy.  Did you even bother to read ALL the negative reviews on the diet?  I've found nothing but reports of people who gained it all back within a year of ending the program.  Because the bad habits that made them fat in the first place haven't been addressed so they continue to do the same old crap.
• You didn't gain the weight overnight, why would you expect it to disappear that fast.  Good things come to those who wait.

*Everyone is different.

• What works for me might not work for you.  Some people bloat at the first sign of salt, or wheat, or sugar, or soda.  Other people would have to eat a lb of salt before they start retaining.  The only real truth is that water does indeed help flush out your system and that your body IS constantly striving for homeostasis.  Help it out.
• I lost weight eating lots of veggies.  If veggies make you want to vomit, don't force-feed yourself.  just find another healthy alternative that gets you all the good stuff out of food.  I still love food.  If I don't like it, I don't eat it.  A diet that feels like torture is a diet that's easy to give up on.  I would and wouldn't blame you.

*END RANT*

And That's Why I'm Fat

Seriously.

The last month sucked.  Hardcore.  I stopped losing weight.  But that's not really the problem because hell, plateau's happen.  We all know this.  No big deal.  They're frustrating but you just push through, wait it out, switch it up, and get back on track.  Guess what I did instead.  I climbed into an imaginary hole in the ground and waited for the world to just magically fix itself.  I started eating at maintenance and decided that if I feel crappy anyway,  I might as well eat gluten to have a controllable cause for my problems.

I felt out of control.

I got depressed.

The fat chick in the mirror got more vocal.

I stopped wearing my "thin" clothes and traded them for over-sized shirts

I stopped running because I could feel things "jiggle".

I gained 7lbs of gluten bloat virtually overnight.

I wandered aimlessly searching for my path and letting myself get drawn off the course by distractions like school, life, and stupid things like TV shows.

BUT.

I managed to pull it together yesterday and got myself on the road with the destination I want.

I spent hours yesterday cooking.  I made and froze eight lunches and enough egg muffins to equal breakfast for the whole week.  I threw out the breads that had creeped into our home in the last few weeks.  I took a super long shower to cleanse myself of the filthy self-image that I had once again allowed itself to mask what I see in the mirror.

Why is this SO hard?

Because nothing worth doing is easy.

I want this so bad.  Why did I let myself do this to...well... myself?

I've got a new exercise plan too.  Hopefully something new will bring new things.

I'm starting it tomorrow.  Now, I'm not saying that to put it off.  Heck, I might start it tonight if I'm up to it.  At 6pm I'm heading out to the golf course for a vigorous round of walking golf.  I'm pretty sure some warm-up driving, the walk,  plus carrying my bag of clubs will equal a decent workout.

I need this fixed.  Now.  And as soon as I get to my goal I'm going to do my damnedest to not make myself a victim again.

I Have a Rant - We're Programmed

When did we lose control?

When did we become sheep being led throughout our lives with other people telling us how things are supposed to be?  We're programmed.

I typed "ideal breakfast" into the image search on Google and this is the first image that popped up:

This is what we're told is a "good" breakfast.  Look at it. Really look at it.  Is that the best we can really do for ourselves?   Of course not.  But we've been programmed to think that this is what we need.  I'm not saying it's devoid of nutrition by any means!  Although I'm pretty sure the croissant falls more in the "butter" group than the "whole grain" group  ;)

We're so programmed that some people will adamantly argue the appropriateness of your food choices if they see you deviating from what has become the norm. My husband for example, has a huge problem with just the idea of breakfast for dinner.  It's just not right even if many of us are beginning to truly embrace brinner.  A dear friend of mine began eating salads for breakfast.  They are a compact, nutritionally dense meal that can easily be modified to hit the protein, fat levels, etc that a person might want or need.  Oatmeal for breakfast is great.  It just doesn't hit as many points that are beneficial as something like the salads do.  When my friend mentioned her morning salad diet,  some people commented that they couldn't do it themselves.  Why?  For a minute my brain said "that's weird".  Why are we so afraid to step outside the norm?  Americans on the whole are suffering from obesity and a wide range of ailments that can be diet and fitness controlled.  Obviously the norm is NOT WORKING people.  I yell to remind myself to get the message as well.

Doing the same thing on Google, here is the ideal lunch:

That looks... less than thrilling. Nutritious?  SURE!  But positively boring.  Because good-for-you food is all bland, uninspired, and just something you have to consume.  Eat to live, don't live to eat right? I say WRONG.  I want to enjoy every bite that goes into my mouth.

I challenge you. Yeah, you.  I'll do it too.  I challenge you to make a list of all the food you like that's pretty much totally good for you.  Then next to the food, write why it's a poor food choice for each meal.  A lean grilled steak for lunch?  Yeah, it's pretty hard to make one fresh when you're at work all day.  But if you had steak for dinner last night, there isn't any reason leftovers couldn't become sliced steak in a corn tortilla with a bit of cheese and veggies.  Steak tacos!  Heck, it almost sounds better than the original meal.  I had steamed broccoli for part of my breakfast. I eat constantly throughout the day when I'm home so no formal breakfast.  So far today here's my food:

•   7:30am  - 2 light Babybel Cheeses
•   9:00am  - 1 cup of steam broccoli with salt and my healthy "butter" with lots of omegas
• 10:00am  - 4 or 5 fried egg whites (I used egg beaters whites)
• 11:15am  - mixed melon pieces (still eating but I suspect 3-4 cups will be eaten)

Just all foods I like.  Sure, I could make it look "normal".  It's all just a deconstructed broccoli and cheese egg white omelet with a side of fruit.  But I didn't want an omelet and I refuse to eat one just because it's what I should do according to the programming i have received.  I like to think for myself.  That's freedom.

So take the challenge.  Make your lists and share them with me.  if you don't eat a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast just because it's weird, tell me so.  I'd like to know.  I'll post my list tomorrow.

Before and Current

So.   I've been trying really hard lately to be brave.  To love myself.  To see myself as others see me and not as that image of grotesqueness that is burned into my brain.

I've worked hard.  I am not a success yet, but I'm on my way as long as I "just keep swimming" as Dori advises in Finding Nemo. (What a wise, little, forgetful, fish)

I will not give up.  I will embrace change. I will get there.

Failure is a sad, sad place to be and I will not live there again.

I'm not calling this a before and after pic because dangit.  I'm not done yet.

Thank you SO much to all of you that have supported me thus far.  You're my angels.