I've always been the girl with one good friend. The sort of friend who would drop everything and drive 1500 miles in the middle of the night just because I called and said I needed her. I've never had a lot of real friends. I mean... I know a lot of people and would totally stop to chat for a minute if we met on a city street, but they're not the sort of friends that call me or throw me a party or hug me when I'm down. A year ago, just before my birthday, my best girl friend left me. I've come to grips with the fact that she must not have been a very good friend and I'm probably better without someone in my life that constantly takes and takes without ever giving back. But it broke my heart. Not that it's a terrible thing at all, but I feel like I'm missing something with only my husband on my list of real live friends. He's a sweetheart, but he just doesn't take the place of that great friend. After all, it's not like I can complain about silly things my husband does when my sounding board IS my husband.
I've been in denial. I've been filling that missing place in my heart with busy-work. I was studying anatomy today (and made a kick-butt PowerPoint about the skeletal system) and tried to figure out if there was a physiological reason for how I've been feeling lately.
This picture I took:
It made me realize that I've just been a shell of my former self lately. I'm all structure with no substance. I'm terribly, terribly, lonely. It's gotten to the point that I have begun to devalue myself more than the ever present fat chick inside was ever able to do. I've even been avoiding online friends. I feel like I don't want to bother them, bring them down, or assume a level of friendship that perhaps they don't feel like reciprocating. I just don't want to be a bother. I need a friend. I need someone I can call at midnight if I can't sleep and then argue with over whether any of the chicks on the Real Housewives shows have real boobs, or laugh about some random happening of the day that isn't that funny but is hilarious to us.
I feel terrible because my husband tries so hard and is such a wonderful man who I think would try to find a way to fix any problem if I asked him to. But I need more. I'm a social person and I haven't had a heart to heart conversation with another person in a while. No girl talk. No spa days for manicures. No drinks and pie after a chick-flick. I am so lonely it hurts. The only conversation I have had today, was with my cats and they were no help at coming up with a game plan for studying for my upcoming exam on Wednesday. In fact, my limited knowledge of cat-language gave me the impression that Charley thinks I should attempt to learn by osmosis and just sleep on my book, and Lucy just expressed her distaste for science by licking her butt.