Very Expensive Urine

During an episode of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon finds himself grocery shopping in the company of Penny.  Sheldon is along to purchase a multitude of eggs for use in an at home culinary experiment.  While shopping, Penny begins loading up on bottles of various vitamins and supplements.  Hilarity ensues.




Generally speaking, I totally agree with Sheldon.  Heck, I just generally agree with him.  I use to be of the mind that I didn't need any kind of a vitamin.  I trusted the sun's warming rays, the food I ate, my exercise, and my body to produce everything I could possibly need.  Turns out, that method doesn't work for everyone.  So here I am.  Enjoying the benefits of weight loss thanks to finding a nutritional balance that my body deems appropriate to lose weight.  I've discovered that when I feed my body what it needs, it treats me better.  Novel thought huh?  I never said I was swift of mind.

Weight loss update:

I have lost 24% of my total body weight.  Can you believe that crap?  I can't.  Still can't see it either.  I think my brain is gonna explode when I finally get below 200.  It's gonna be amazing.

Anyway, here are my daily ingredients for expensive urine.

Pretty huh?  The only vitamin/supplement not shown is my niacin tablet but that's for cholesterol regulation since my last physical showed my numbers a tad high.  I talked to my doctor, and this is what we came up with.  You should talk to yours.

What we have here is (from top to bottom)

• Nature Made Adult Gummies Vitamin D3  -  No sun = low D, this helps.
• Nature Made Adult Gummies Fish Oil  -  For cholesterol to support a healthy heart.
• Nature Made Adult Gummies B Complex  -  Helps produce energy from food eaten.
• Nature Made Adult Gummies Coq10  -  Antioxidant important in energy production.
• Nature Made Adult Gummies Calcium  -  For strong bones.
• GNC Women's Prenatal Formula with Iron  -  A multi-vitamin.
• Diurex Water Pills  -  Cut the bloat from accident gluten ingestion.

So there you have it.  Turns out, vitamins were just the boost I needed to break through a major plateau.  Weight loss even seems easier this time.  Maybe I was missing those few key ingredients to make my urine expensive enough.

Let's Talk "Biggest Loser"

Alright.  No spoilers here so don't fret.

This show makes me feel great about myself in that motivational way that is they can do it, I can do it.  But it also makes me feel oh so very bad about myself.

I've been working so hard on improving my self image.  SO HARD.  And then I see these contestants.  Some of which have very similar weights as I currently do and I think "Oh my God.  Is that how I look?"  Once again, "Are people just being nice to me by not telling me what a blob I look?"  Here are the female contestants that are close-ish in weight to me.

 Only 13 pounds heavier than me.

Only 10 pounds heavier than me.

Only 20 pounds heavier than me.

Only 18 pounds heavier than me.

I just don't get it.  What is wrong in my head?  My body before I started losing weight was likely just as bad as the contestants but now I look at the group photo and think "I am WAY fitter and thinner than those guys."  But the damn numbers.  The numbers say that's not quite true.

New Year - New Me

I really want to do this.

Hell, I AM doing this.

As each new year comes, I find that so many people want to make huge changes to their lives.  They make lists.  I refuse to make a list of resolutions this year.  Every year it's the same old thing for me and I think for most people.

• Lose weight
• Eat healthier
• Exercise more

People make this list and then fail.  Then I don't know about you, but then I feel crappy about myself.  Not only am I a fat and out of shape person but I'm a big failure on top of it all. [sarcasm font] Well that sounds good for the self-esteem. [/sarcasm font]  So this year, instead of looking forward I shall be looking back.  I think everyone needs to.  What have you done in the previous year that you were not sure you could accomplish?

Now what am I'm proud of?

Look at that!  If I lost 63.5 pounds, what's to stop me from loosing 57.5?

Nothing.

Yeah, you already know I lost 50+.  

This accomplishment had less to do with weight and more with self-image.

It was a really big deal for me to put a picture of myself on the internet.

I climbed a mountain.
Not just a metaphorical one.

The view was worth the near asthma attack due to switchbacks.

All these things worked last year to create a new me.  I'm a work in progress.  I can only work hard and hope that a year from now I am just as pleased with my actions of the past year.

Everyone is a Weight Loss Pro

Do you notice that?

That the second someone loses 10 pounds they automatically become and expert in all things weight loss.  They begin using blanket statements like "Losing weight is easy.  Eat less and exercise more."  They fail.

I'm no expert.  Heck, I've tried to make it transparently clear that I'm just a fatty bumbling along and sharing with you what has worked or failed for me.  If I haven't, I apologize.  Let me say it again:

I'M NOT A PRO!

Why is this important?  Because few people are.  Even the so-called professionals are guilty of weight loss tunnel vision and failure to take into account that everyone is different.  Not just when it comes to motivation, ability, and number of pounds to lose.

Here are my major rants for the day:

*Not everyone trying to lose weight needs to eat healthier and less food.

• Guess what?  I was under-eating.  My caloric intake barely cracked 900 cals on most days.  I was never hungry.  I ate when I was.  
• The reason my per-day caloric intake was so low was because I already was eating healthy foods.  I would gorge myself on mixed greens with homemade balsamic vinaigrette.  Super tasty!  So my lunches hardly cracked 100 calories all counted.  My breakfasts we usually a piece of peanut butter toast and then I'd snack on cheese, nuts, and raw veggies all day.

*Not everyone is fat.

• Just because someone asks for diet advice, doesn't mean they are looking to reduce their caloric intake.
• Some people want to gain weight.  this can be just as difficult as losing.
• Just because YOU think someone looks perfect, doesn't mean you can belittle their attempt at change.  Generally speaking, I think women want to feel pretty.  I'm not saying women should push themselves to lose weight that their body wants to keep, but they can certainly reshape their body with exercise.  Get that toned and athletic figure.

*Just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

• Almost daily I see people defending their questionable choices.  HCG diets are the big one.  People going on and on about how great it is and that they lost oodles of pounds practically overnight.  Whether orally or injected, why would you think that putting hormones or chemicals in your body is a good thing?  And 500 calories is all you eat on some days...  yeah, sounds healthy.  Did you even bother to read ALL the negative reviews on the diet?  I've found nothing but reports of people who gained it all back within a year of ending the program.  Because the bad habits that made them fat in the first place haven't been addressed so they continue to do the same old crap.
• You didn't gain the weight overnight, why would you expect it to disappear that fast.  Good things come to those who wait.

*Everyone is different.

• What works for me might not work for you.  Some people bloat at the first sign of salt, or wheat, or sugar, or soda.  Other people would have to eat a lb of salt before they start retaining.  The only real truth is that water does indeed help flush out your system and that your body IS constantly striving for homeostasis.  Help it out.
• I lost weight eating lots of veggies.  If veggies make you want to vomit, don't force-feed yourself.  just find another healthy alternative that gets you all the good stuff out of food.  I still love food.  If I don't like it, I don't eat it.  A diet that feels like torture is a diet that's easy to give up on.  I would and wouldn't blame you.

*END RANT*

And That's Why I'm Fat

Seriously.

The last month sucked.  Hardcore.  I stopped losing weight.  But that's not really the problem because hell, plateau's happen.  We all know this.  No big deal.  They're frustrating but you just push through, wait it out, switch it up, and get back on track.  Guess what I did instead.  I climbed into an imaginary hole in the ground and waited for the world to just magically fix itself.  I started eating at maintenance and decided that if I feel crappy anyway,  I might as well eat gluten to have a controllable cause for my problems.

I felt out of control.

I got depressed.

The fat chick in the mirror got more vocal.

I stopped wearing my "thin" clothes and traded them for over-sized shirts

I stopped running because I could feel things "jiggle".

I gained 7lbs of gluten bloat virtually overnight.

I wandered aimlessly searching for my path and letting myself get drawn off the course by distractions like school, life, and stupid things like TV shows.

BUT.

I managed to pull it together yesterday and got myself on the road with the destination I want.

I spent hours yesterday cooking.  I made and froze eight lunches and enough egg muffins to equal breakfast for the whole week.  I threw out the breads that had creeped into our home in the last few weeks.  I took a super long shower to cleanse myself of the filthy self-image that I had once again allowed itself to mask what I see in the mirror.

Why is this SO hard?

Because nothing worth doing is easy.

I want this so bad.  Why did I let myself do this to...well... myself?

I've got a new exercise plan too.  Hopefully something new will bring new things.

I'm starting it tomorrow.  Now, I'm not saying that to put it off.  Heck, I might start it tonight if I'm up to it.  At 6pm I'm heading out to the golf course for a vigorous round of walking golf.  I'm pretty sure some warm-up driving, the walk,  plus carrying my bag of clubs will equal a decent workout.

I need this fixed.  Now.  And as soon as I get to my goal I'm going to do my damnedest to not make myself a victim again.

Before and Current

So.   I've been trying really hard lately to be brave.  To love myself.  To see myself as others see me and not as that image of grotesqueness that is burned into my brain.

I've worked hard.  I am not a success yet, but I'm on my way as long as I "just keep swimming" as Dori advises in Finding Nemo. (What a wise, little, forgetful, fish)

I will not give up.  I will embrace change. I will get there.

Failure is a sad, sad place to be and I will not live there again.

I'm not calling this a before and after pic because dangit.  I'm not done yet.

Thank you SO much to all of you that have supported me thus far.  You're my angels.

How'd You Lose All That Weight?

So, online people have lately been asking me exactly how I lost the 50+ lbs so far.  I realized that I haven't really laid it out in single posts but have spread it all across my blog posts.  So here is my answer to how I lost the weight:

How I did it is actually quite simple (in principle) but it took breaking a lot of bad habits and forming new ones to get here.  Here are the basics .

*Get the crap out of the house.  If you have chips in your cupboard 24/7, someone is going to eat them.  If you have frozen processed lunches, it's too easy to grab that.  Remove the ease of access to things.  Example:  i love cake and ice cream.  i never have it in the house any more.  If i want it, I have to debate whether it is worth it to go spend the money, get dressed, take the time to drive to a restaurant type place to get it.  50% of the time it's not so I can avoid it.  The other 50% of the time, I go and enjoy myself.

*Don't lose your favorite foods.  Find healthier alternatives.  For ice cream, there is a frozen yogurt place that has some fat-free and sugar-free choices plus toppings.  I'm going there tonight because their new flavor is "cheesecake".  I'll top it with fresh fruit or even cocoa roasted almonds.  Not only is it not bad for me.. it's actually good for me.  Pizza is a greasy yet flavorful diet killer if you overdo it regularly.  But there are DIY pizza recipes that are delicious and nutritious.  (FYI: turkey pepperoni is just as tasty as regular and WAY better for you)

*Track your food.  All of it.  Everything you put into your mouth has a potential to impact your health.  Hop on a site like SparkPeople.com (it's free and has apps) and you will soon be able to see exactly where your food problems are.  Previous to doing that i was actually an under-eater.  Years of dieting had me slowly reducing my intake until I barely topped 900 calories most days.  I think my first week i tracked a 650 cal day.  Because of that, my body was in starvation mode and holding onto every darn bit of fat it could as a self-preservation technique.

*Start an exercise routine.  It doesn't need to be something huge like taking on the p90x dvd program or running a marathon.  Just get moving.  Even a daily walk with a H/FI can start improving your health.  One of my favorite exercises is playing "chase the kittens"  it's like hide-and-seek but at high speeds all over the house.  20 minutes of that and you feel like you've worked out.

*Set realistic healthy goals but set some superficial ones too.  My goal is to not be the fat mom some day.  When we have kids, I don't want to be too tired to play, I don't want to be an embarrassment to them as teenagers, and I want to teach them how to have a healthy lifestyle so they never have to struggle with this like i have since I was young.  I want to go to the doctor for a yearly physical and just once to be not reminded that I really should lose weight. Side goals: i want to look hot.  I want to walk into stores and not have clerks look at me with that "we only carry normal sizes" pity.  I want to like who I see in the mirror.  i want to wear a bikini in public without feeling like I should wear shorts and a t-shirt over it to not offend people with my blubber.  I want to wear cute flowy dresses and shirts without worrying that it could make me look pregnant.

*Eat your veggies.  Your body needs vitamins.  Veggies and fruits are SO good for you.  If you don't like the taste (like my H didn't) there are tons of ways to prepare them and sneak them in that are delicious.

*Eat breakfast.  I feel like my body doesn't get revved up until I eat something.  Even if it's just a single cheese because I'm not hungry when I first wake up, that wakes up my system.  I feel like it's led to a more efficient body for me.

*Meal planning:  It's not only good for your wallet (helps avoid impulse buys) but it also allows you to make sure you always have healthy food on hand.  I have no "convenience" food in my house.  But i could whip up a dinner right now with only 10 minutes warning because after i shop I come home and do the whole week's meal prep (what I can anyway) and packages everything in little containers.  I have single servings of cheese and meat cubes, cottage cheese, sugar free jello, sugar free pudding, beef jerky, cut veggies and dip.  All of those are free snacks.  If I'm hungry, I eat.  I also portion out things that I'll need for various dinners and cook things like boiled eggs, mini egg bakes for breakfasts, and chicken breasts that all make for easy and quick snacks and salad additions.

*Eat:  getting yourself a healthy diet should not involve suffering needlessly.  If you are hungry, eat.  just stay away from crap foods.  I had heard it before and didn't quite believe it, but crappy food makes you want more crappy food.  A little handful of chips can quickly become half a bag (pop chips are a delicious and healthier alternative)  whereas healthy things seem to satiate me better.  plus, there is no guilt.  If i want more watermelon, cheese, or whatever... I eat it.

*Don't be lazy:  it's SO easy to just say I'll do it later, I'll start tomorrow, or just to keep doing what you've always done.  But we're on a weight loss and fitness board... obviously it hasn't worked.  Sure, maybe someone once lost 40lbs on WW or "dieted" their way to 15 lbs last year.  But if you're here and overweight, regardless of past losses, you're doing it wrong.  The real goal is to get to a weight that's healthy and to maintain it.  Without having to obsess over it.  You want a healthy lifestyle.  Everyone does.  I know I'd like to never count calories or debate over whether I really need a second helping of mashed potatoes and gravy.  It should be intuitive.  I think once I know what all foods are worth to my body completely and totally without thinking, can eat pizza without worrying about the scale, then I think I'll have truly made it.  Because then my lifestyle will be healthy and complete.

Goal Victory!

Well, I did it.  As of today it's official.

I've lost 50 pounds.  I am in sight of the day when I'll turn in my membership to the 200 club.  I don't feel a darn bit different, still can't see any change when I look in the mirror, but am SO excited. I'm not going to do any big outward celebration for hitting this milestone but I think leaving the 200 club will demand some kind of partying.  So what do you think I should do?  I need ideas. Not being 200 pounds is a really big deal.  It deserves come kind of major recognition.  But what?

Honestly, I'm pretty sure I didn't think I would reach this point.  I guess I figured my willpower would have waned far before now.  So yeah, I have no clue how to reward myself.  I can do the same old things that I like to do to treat myself.  But I feel like I need something bigger that a visit to my favorite frozen yogurt place and going out to dinner.  Something with pizazz. Ideas?

Victory Food

So, I'm still depressed but thankfully the gods of health and fitness have decided to take pity on me and add to my weight loss tally.

I don't get how this weight stuff works.  I'm super careful, eat exactly where I should be and nothing.  Then I say the heck with it, eat pizza (to be fair I gorged on pizza), have root beer floats, and almost call it quits and lose.  WEIRD.  I'm not complaining.  I'll take the loss.  i just wish I understood it.

ALSO:  There is this super sweet and beautiful girl I met on the internet who sent me a pair of jeans that didn't fit her properly.  THEY FIT ME!  They're a size 14 and they fit me.  Get this, when I graduated high-school, I was wearing a size 16.  When I started this whole dieting thing I was wearing a size 18 and even then they were tight.  I hope everyone trying to get healthy can experience the absolute, bubbly joy like I felt when those jeans slipped right on without a fight.  No spillage over the waistband either!

So in honor weight loss victory, I decided to try for a breakfast victory this morning.  On the menu:  maple sausage links, half a grapefruit, cranberry juice, and a delightful cheese soufflé.

 

Mini Cheese Soufflé

Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons finely grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 cup whole milk (I didn't have any so I used 2% with a splash of cream in it)
• 2½ tablespoons unsalted butter
• 3 tablespoons all purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon paprika
• ½ teaspoon salt
• pinch of ground nutmeg
• 5 large eggs - divided with yolks and whites in separate bowls
• 1 cup coarsely grated sharp cheddar cheese

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400°F.
2. Grease 6 individual ramekins with butter. Coat each dish with the Parmesan cheese.
3. Heat milk in heavy small saucepan over medium-low heat until simmering.
4. Melt butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add flour and whisk until mixture begins to foam.  (about 3 minutes — avoid browning). Remove saucepan from heat for 1 minute.
5. Pour warm milk into flour mixture, whisking until smooth. Return to heat and cook, whisking constantly until thick (2 to 3 minutes). Remove from heat, and whisk in paprika, salt, and nutmeg.
6. Add egg yolks 1 at a time, whisking to blend after each addition. Sprinkle in cheese and whisk to incorporate. With a rubber spatula or wooden spoon, scrape soufflé base into large bowl. Cool to lukewarm. (about 10 minutes)
7. Beat egg whites in a clean, large bowl until stiff but not dry (you can use an electric mixer).
8. Fold whites into the soufflé base a little at a time. Transfer batter to prepared dishes, divided equally.
9. Set dishes onto a sheet pan, and place in oven on the lowest rack level. Immediately reduce oven temperature to 375°F. Bake until soufflés are puffed, tops golden brown, and center moves slightly when dish is shaken gently (about 25 minutes). Avoid opening oven door during first 20 minutes.
10. Serve immediately.

Empty Victory

I'm feeling down again.

I don't understand why my body, or brain, or whatever, is letting this fat chick take control.  I should be be pleased today.  I've done it!  I've officially moved to the other side of my weight loss ticker.

I was happy, don't get me wrong.  I got that wonderful, warm, cheerful feeling in my heart but it faded so quickly.  Second after it was replaced by the insidious voice of that fat chick inside me.  I thought I was destroying her but the whispers have began again.  Looking in the mirror, I don't see twenty-six pounds gone.  She whispers, "what's the point of weight loss if you can't see it at all?"  Reminds me that I still look fat. She makes me look at the spots on my naked body that are disgusting and obviously not changed by weight loss.

Twenty-six pounds is a lot!  That's the weight of three good-sized newborn babies.  You would think I could see something.  Heck, I think I should see something.  But no. That bastard of a fat chick is still in control.  Why won't she leave me be?  I just want to look in the mirror once and think "ooh.  I look good!"  Is that too much to ask for?  I mean, I didn't even really feel pretty on my wedding day.  This sucks!

Happy Monday! No, Really.

I've been suffering from what I refer to as "the weekend bloat".  It's due to my weekend eating being a tad more free and less regimented when it comes to salts, gluten, and fats.  So to be fair, I don't really suffer on the weekend.  I enjoy myself immensely.  It's the full pound or two of bloat that is in evidence on Monday and often until Wednesday that makes me suffer.  I feel all squishy around my mid-section and I think it's really visible in my face.  BUT not today.  i hopped on the scale this morning and it said I am .2 pounds less than I was on Friday morning!  That's not a big loss at all but since I sorta expected it to say I was up two pounds due to bloat, I'm thrilled.  I guess this low-cholesterol diet IS good for something besides torturing me.

In other news:
I made the best salad EVER.  So simple, healthy, and amazing it taste like one of those bad-for-you meals.  It even looks unhealthy.  I failed to pick up tomatoes at the store so it was a tad lacking today but generally it tastes like a BLT.

It's just baby romaine lettuce tossed in a balsamic vinegarette and then topped with a half ounce of cheddar cheese, two diced hard-boiled egg whites, and a serving of turkey pepperoni that I crisped up in the oven.  It really is delicious!  Especially with tomatoes diced as well.

Weight Loss Goal Met.

Hi.  I'm officially less fat today than I was yesterday.

But you know what?  I can't really see it.  It's 20 pounds!  That's like 3 small newborn babies.  You would think that it would be evident I had lost that much. It's not.  I still feel fat as ever.  SO..  I think it really must be all in my head this time.  That whole "the first step is admitting you have a problem" saying is right.  I'm there.  I know that my perception of myself is skewed.   I'm working on it but I really don't have a clue what I am doing.  No clue other than that I've begun to tell myself to shut up if that little voice in my ear gets loud and negative.

Seriously Diet??!???!?

Yes.  The excessive punctuation in the title was completely necessary.  This is a giant ol' WTF post.

I lost another pound.  I'm not doing a darn positive thing different this week from last week.  In fact, because classes started I've been naughty and picked back up my ginger ale habit.  So why did I lose weight?  I haven't been losing pounds at all in weeks and then this.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset by the loss itself.  I'm upset since obviously I still don't understand how my body works.  I need a math problem.  This one is good:

 But it's basic.  There is so much more to it.  otherwise I'd have already hit my weight goal.  I am SO sick of being fat and just want straightforward and 100% accurate advice.  Is there and honest to God, "exercise+willpower(my fat butt/calories less)=weightloss" formula out there somewhere?  What am I missing?

Just a PSA

This is a public service announcement to remind everyone of what is realistic when it comes to weight loss.  Not everyone can be or should be a size 0.

To determine what size build you have, simply extend your arm and with your free hand, wrap thumb and middle finger around the extended wrist.

• If your middle finger and thumb overlap, you have a small frame
• If your middle finger and thumb touch, you have a medium frame
• If your middle finger and thumb do not meet, you have a large frame