I Hate My Scale

The title of this is not some philosophical rant.

I don't hate my scale because those little numbers are simply the digital process of the machine telling me I'm fat.

I don't hate my scale because it makes me feel badly if I don't run that extra mile after a very tiring day.

I don't hate my scale because it's obviously judging me when I eat a less than highly nutritious meal.

I don't hate my scale because it makes me feel sorry every time I force it to withstand the force of all my body weight.

 


Oh no!  I'm not talking about any of those things today when I reference hating my scale.  I hate the sucker because it broke.  That's right.  It stopped working all together.

Do you have any idea what stepping on a scale and BREAKING IT does to self-esteem?

It destroys it.  I know it's silly.  Really.

The fat girl inside me though...

CRUSHED.

Weight Shaming

Where the hell do we get off? No really? Who died and made Americans the final word on what is right and proper? Who told us we had to regulate the world? We are so darn opinionated and eager to fix the lives of other people. But who made us the boy scouts of the universe? If we don't like it, it must be wrong. That's the impression I get from acts like cutting french fries from kid's meals at fast food places, regulating how many ounces of soda is "too much", and blatant weight shaming. Both under and over weight people get it but the fat shaming is ridiculous. Even in jest, it can hurt. People think that's a good thing because it "motivates to change." Well damnit! Maybe I don't want to change! But I will. Because America makes it hard to feel beautiful when everything seems to be saying otherwise. Have you seen something about weight that's really gotten to you? Wanna vent?

There are a Lot of Liars

Scales lie.



*They can lead you to believe that all your hard work was for nothing since you gained instead of lost.  It rarely mentions that a handful of muscle, being much denser than fat, weighs more.  It doesn't mention that when you overdid it in the gym/dance/treadmill activity, your muscles got hurt so your brain sent a protective layer of water bloat to cushion the area until it repairs itself.

Our brains lie.  





*Have you ever seen a person out in public wearing something ridiculously wrong for their body?  Like a 400lb woman wearing day-glo pink spandex with a fluffy sweater that looked liked she killed Chewbacca?  Know why she likely wore that outfit?  She thought she looked GOOD!  It's the same mechanism that causes a girl you may think looks perfect, to think she's grossly fat.

Our loved ones and friends lie.





*Good friends love you no matter what.  But it's their love for you that causes them to blatantly lie to your face.  I've known a person or two to behave otherwise but most people when confronted with the "does this make me look fat?" question, would never just say "yes."  Not wanting to hurt you they suggest that maybe that outfit just isn't your color or that the pockets are cut weird and therefore it looks odd.

You know what doesn't lie regularly?

Our clothes.





If your clothes don't fit.  There is a problem.  Sure, it could just be temporary. Maybe all those salty foods or gluten or alcohol over the weekend are causing you to bloat for a bit.  No big deal, but you notice the problem because your pants don't fit quite right.  

Moral of the story:  Listen to your pants.  The others all lie. 

Tag-Team Suicide

I've done it.

In the midst of school finals chaos (and it's totally chaos), I've managed to get back to an exercise routine.  I've been working out but let's face it; sometimes people get lazy and I'm definitely people.  I've rebounded in weight slightly but truth is I'm not worried about it.  I figure it's mostly bloat from the gluten-fest I enjoyed at the in-laws over Thanksgiving.  I paid for it afterwards, but I totally enjoyed.  Very few things beat a South Dakota farm wife's bread pudding for dessert.

But enough of that.  I'm lazy.  Fact.  I'm also fat and want to be thin.  Well, maybe not thin, but at least un-fat.  Therefore... back to the grind.

I'm visiting an old friend.

I kinda missed her.  The way she looks at me from the television screen with an expression that says "I dare ya to quit fatty," and then I tell her what I think about her.

So I'm killing myself doing the thirty days again.  Not nearly as badly as the first time I ever did it, but I'm still hurting.  BUT... I'm not alone this time!  My H, the "I only do manly workouts" guy, is doing it with me!  

We started tonight.  Right after work but before dinner so he could claim he was too full to participate.  It was hard!  It's amazing how much endurance you lose after taking time off.  I'm still in decent shape thankfully, but I did totally get winded a few times. 

We watched the video last night so my H could figure out the moves.  The man has never done anything remotely resembling aerobics in his life.  He thought it looked pretty easy.  The poor man changed his tune by eight minutes in.  Huffing and puffing, red in the face, and complaining of a hurt calf muscle. (He's fine.  I suspect it's less pain and more acceptable burn)  I'm so proud of him. Maybe doing 30 Day Shred will be like a gateway drug and he'll be open to more types of exercise.  Maybe ballroom dancing classes are in our future?  Probably not.  But a girl can dream can't she?

And That's Why I'm Fat

Seriously.

The last month sucked.  Hardcore.  I stopped losing weight.  But that's not really the problem because hell, plateau's happen.  We all know this.  No big deal.  They're frustrating but you just push through, wait it out, switch it up, and get back on track.  Guess what I did instead.  I climbed into an imaginary hole in the ground and waited for the world to just magically fix itself.  I started eating at maintenance and decided that if I feel crappy anyway,  I might as well eat gluten to have a controllable cause for my problems.

I felt out of control.

I got depressed.

The fat chick in the mirror got more vocal.

I stopped wearing my "thin" clothes and traded them for over-sized shirts

I stopped running because I could feel things "jiggle".

I gained 7lbs of gluten bloat virtually overnight.

I wandered aimlessly searching for my path and letting myself get drawn off the course by distractions like school, life, and stupid things like TV shows.

BUT.

I managed to pull it together yesterday and got myself on the road with the destination I want.

I spent hours yesterday cooking.  I made and froze eight lunches and enough egg muffins to equal breakfast for the whole week.  I threw out the breads that had creeped into our home in the last few weeks.  I took a super long shower to cleanse myself of the filthy self-image that I had once again allowed itself to mask what I see in the mirror.

Why is this SO hard?

Because nothing worth doing is easy.

I want this so bad.  Why did I let myself do this to...well... myself?

I've got a new exercise plan too.  Hopefully something new will bring new things.

I'm starting it tomorrow.  Now, I'm not saying that to put it off.  Heck, I might start it tonight if I'm up to it.  At 6pm I'm heading out to the golf course for a vigorous round of walking golf.  I'm pretty sure some warm-up driving, the walk,  plus carrying my bag of clubs will equal a decent workout.

I need this fixed.  Now.  And as soon as I get to my goal I'm going to do my damnedest to not make myself a victim again.

Everyone I Know... Lied to Me

True Story.  All my friends and family must be liars.

Before I started effectively losing weight, if i mentioned anything about being overweight, huge, or fat, I'd hear things like:

"Sure you could lose a few pounds, but you're not fat."

"Regardless of your weight, you're so proportionate that you don't hardly look overweight."

*I would then argue that my doctor (and most in the world)  would classify me as morbidly obese according to my height and weight.

"That's ridiculous.  You just have some vanity pounds to shed."

"Those scales for comparison are all kinds of wrong."


Well guess what?

Here's how much weight I've lost:

Fifty-five G.D. pounds.  So logically, if someone had 55 pounds to lose, they must have been fat. 

I'm STILL fat.  Mind you, I'm only barely 5'4.  I do have a larger frame (stupid big wrists that are too huge for bracelets) but even factoring that in, the ideal weight for me would still be in the 130-150 range.

So... true of false?  People who have 50 pounds or more of unnecessary weight are fat.

The only people who would admit I had a problem were perfect strangers.  Random strangers in a check-out line mumbling "fat bitch" if I accidentally bumped them with my cart.  Salesperson in the Abercrombie store suggesting I check out Lane Bryant since "We only carry normal sizes."  Even random asshat guys barking at me as they drove by where I was walking on the sidewalk.  Yeah, barked at.  Not just once either.  And not just in this state.

I mean, obviously people aren't going to walk up to their friend and be "DANG.  You need to lose weight.  That's ridiculous!"  But when asked for a candid appraisal, I don't see why the truth wouldn't be the obvious response.  Feel free to candy-coat it a bit.  Don't be harsh.  But don't lie.  You see, discovering your deceptions only makes me doubt everything else you've ever said to me.

And as you know, most of us fat chicks don't have a lot of self-esteem to spare.

I Need an Un-Counselor

So I'm losing weight.  But I'm still not happy.

I started the South Beach Diet yesterday.  Before you go off on a tangent about how carbs are an important part of a balanced diet and how a body NEEDS them, I know.  I have a gluten sensitivity and shouldn't be eating breads, pasta, and such anyway.  So it's not a really big deal for me.  Essentially the first two weeks are just making me cut out excessive sugars (I drink more juice than I should), making me tone down my portions of starches like potatoes and rice (since I can make a whole meal of just these), and just breaking some bad habits I have gotten into.  My meals consist of mostly just lean protein and veggies with a bit of cheese here and there.  Lots of veggies (they have those good carbs).  I'm also doing the push-up, sit-up(crunches), and squat challenges again.  If you're interested you can find them here:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

My weight is down a bit more but I still don't feel good about it.  I mean, realistically I should be feeling great about it.  Here is my ticker as of this morning's weigh-in:

I'm impressed with myself.  That's not just a little weight. And yet, I STILL can't see it.  At all.  I am convinced that I truly do have some sort of body dysmorphic disorder.  I would think that 40 pounds loss should be a visible loss.  Something.  Anything.  But I don't see a difference despite the evidence I do have that includes small sized pants fitting and becoming too large, the guy I'm in class with on Fridays no longer has to scoot his chair forward for me to get by him, and even the fleeting image of myself looking decent in window and door reflections.  If I look in the mirror, I look exactly the same as I did a year ago, and really for decades.  I feel like I need an honest, unbiased, maybe even a harsh assessment of my image by a stranger.  If I could know for sure what other people really see when they look at me, perhaps I can begin to finally really tackle this horrible self-image problem.  I mean damn.  I don't ever feel pretty.  I just want to look in the mirror once and see the real me.  I know I can't be as hideous as what I see because frankly, I'm pretty sure no one would have ever married me if what I see was the visible norm.  it's pretty bad.

So if anyone knows any methods or homeopathic type therapies that might work for my problem, I'd really appreciate it.  I don't feel comfortable visiting any of the small number of counselors or psychiatrists in town because frankly, I've either worked with them or they know my father. Ethics and confidentiality are great, but i just wouldn't be comfortable.  So I'm going to have to continue to shrink myself.  Pun intended.

Let's Talk Self-Image

Why isn't this working?

I figured that I'd see some kind of change in myself.  It's there.  Here is the proof:

• I'm wearing a loose size 14 jean instead of barely squeezing myself into a size 18.  
• I noticed yesterday that I no longer need to move the dining table's chair in order to squeeze past the dishwasher when it is open.
• Although still at 30 lbs lost, the weight has moved and now I'm .1 lb away from calling it 31.
• I've run 6 miles for time since Monday where I sprinted most of them. I rock a 9 minute mile.  I think I could barely walk a 20 minute mile when I first started this all.   It's gotten easy enough that I can read while leisure running/jogging and enjoyed the last half of the third Stephanie Plum novel that I'm rereading.
• My tummy is smaller.  When sitting on the couch, nothing is roll-ish when I look down.
• My fat upper arms, while still fat (thanks for the genetics mom!), are not nearly as water-wing-like as they were previously.
• When I contract my calf muscles, I have a very obvious cut in.  I'm pretty fascinated by it.

So even with this list of proof, and others that won't occur to me until after I click the "post" button, I don't SEE it. I can see bits and pieces but when looking at the big picture it's not there at all.  The stupid fat chick that is apparently still securely in residence in my psyche continues to be a major witch and is messing with me.  I try to tell myself positive things.  I try to look on the bright side.  I tell the fat chick in my head to shut up and that she's being ridiculous.  But this is still what I see when I look in a full mirror:

• Look at that gut.  I could never be on the show Biggest Loser because no way in hell would I be able to stand up in front of people in just a sports bra and shorts.  And forget about the tv audience.  No way.
• Seriously, a double chin.  It's not a full one but that's definitely face fat.
• Speaking of face fat, aren't their supposed to be cheekbones?  Oh, they're under that chub.
• Thank God it's not tank top weather, those arms almost flap like wings.  I suppose flying would be good cardio though.
• I can't even bear to look at my thighs or butt.

Am I just incapable of being satisfied and happy?   I want to be.  SO badly.  I don't understand why it's such a hard inner struggle.  My goals aren't anything ridiculous.  At least I don't think so.

• To be healthy enough to be an active, positive role model for children some day.
• To be able to take on challenges like a marathon and know that I've worked hard enough to earn my spot in the ranks of other competitors.
• To never again have a doctor use the word "obese" when talking about my weight.
• To be able to shop in all the stores with cute clothes and not worry about whether they've already sold the one fat size they usually have in stock.
• To lower the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, and a bunch of other icky things.
• To be able to look in the mirror and think "I look cute today."

It's a Miracle?

Maybe a miracle.  Maybe.  I'm skeptical but I'll take it.  I weighed myself this morning and I'm totally down .8 of a pound since yesterday.  Which is weird since I didn't think I was bloated and my scale hasn't said anything favorable to me in weeks.  So I'm just going to pretend that it's a miracle based upon drinking a smoothie yesterday.  Practical?  No.  But I'm going to do it anyway.  I need a boost even if it is a bit of a fabrication.  Either way, I'm still fat.  I've taken to referring to myself as tubby.  My husband isn't pleased and it's probably some big negative mark on my self-esteem tally, but I can't help it.  All I see when I look in the mirror is a chick with a major weight problem.  I'm so sick of it.  Add that to two people in my life telling me what I'm doing wrong with my diet, and I'm about to snap.  Seriously, two months of weight watchers group does not make you an expert.  I'm no expert but dang!  At least I'm trying to figure this out on my own.

BUT  at least I'm eating well.  I'm not even kidding.  These smoothies are frickin' fabulous.  I don't usually push people to be followers and such but you have really got to try one!

Oatmeal and Berries Smoothie

Yield: 1 serving/2 cups


Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup OJ (whatever juice, I used the OJ + omegas)
• 1/2 ripe banana, peeled & frozen
• 1/2 cup of frozen raspberries
• 1 handful mixed spinach greens
• 1 tbsp chia seeds
• 1/2 tbsp honey
• 1/4 cup of ice
• 1/4 C rolled oats
• 1/4 cup yogurt (I used Fage 0%)

Directions:

1. Starting with the liquid, add in the juice. 
2. Now add in the chia seeds, honey, raspberries and oatmeal. 
3. Next, add in the spinach followed by the banana on top which will help weigh it all down.. 
4. Blend until smooth. 
5. Add in your ice cubes and blend some more.

Dear Diary

I posted this on my TK message board today but decided to post it here too since it felt very close to a diary entry after I had posted it.

I am the fat kid.

When I was young, if my mother didn't feel like cooking we had pizza.  i always remember chips, microwave cheese and butter popcorn, and a freezer full of Schwan's frozen foods that included pizza burgers, pot pies, personal pizzas, and fried chicken products.  I remember once asking if my mom would buy oranges since I loved them when they were served at school.  She said they were too expensive and since I liked them they'd disappear too fast.  My sister and I use to chase each other and play loudly.  Until: "Would you just sit down and watch tv?!!  That's quiet at least!"  Until recently I took all of the blame for my weight upon myself.  I didn't want to be the person who always blames their parents and doesn't take responsibility.  But really.  I'm learning to not blame myself as much since I've recently realized that i really was never taught good food habits.

I was a depressed teenager who wanted to fade into the background and was convinced I was just a loser for not being able to be pretty or thin enough.  I can't say I'm not still slightly convinced.

Diet vs Boobs

We've all heard women complain that the first place on their body that loses weight is their breasts.  I wouldn't mind if that happened to me as long as I lost weight all over so I'm at least proportioned.  They're kinda big and a pain anyway.

So a few weeks ago, I had to start putting on my bras by using the middle of the three rows in the back.  I was like,

"Huh?  Guess I lost weight around my rib cage.  Maybe I'll luck out and go down a cup size."

Then last week, I had to start putting on my bras by using the tightest of the three rows in the back.  I was like,

"Weird.  Maybe these bras are all stretchy so I can't tell the cup difference."

Then this morning I put on a bra and realized  that it was so loose that it was bra shopping day.  I went to Kohl's, picked up a few bras, tried them on and bought this cute Olga one (below - Kohl's model pictured) along with some more serviceable ones and some underwear that don't look like saggy old lady undies.  Yep.  I lost weight in my butt too.  Some clothes look better, but some like the underwear...  not so flattering.

But...  I just bought a smaller size band.  This diet hates me.  I swear my boobs are bigger.  I bought my normal cup size since I kinda refuse to buy anything in the ridiculous size ranges.

Another weird thing I've noticed lately:  my socks don't fit properly.  I don't think I suffered from fat-foot-syndrome and that I've lost weight in my feet, but what other explanation is there?

The Fat Chick Got Me Down

I feel fat today.

I feel fat and the worst part is that I don't care.  My motivation is gone.  My desire to eat is gone.  I just want to sit here on my butt and watch tv or play around on the computer.  I tell myself, "Come on! Time to move!" and yet continue to sit here instead of getting a snack, working out, or just doing anything.  It's pathetic.

Thank goodness I know the cause and how to fix it.  I slept like crap last night.  My back was aching for no good reason and I just could not get comfy.  Time to stop dwelling and just make plans for tomorrow.  Time to stop worrying about the fat chick I am and concentrate instead about the smaller chick I will be.  This quote is attributed to Christopher Columbus, but I haven't been able to find a solid citation of any kind:

So that's what I need.  To let go of the shore. Who cares about today?  Tomorrow matters.

Tomorrow I'm going to do Day 11 of the 30 Day Shred.  I'm gonna get it done because I promised myself I would.  It's the first day of level 2 and it's supposedly going to kick my butt just as hardcore as the first few days of level 1 did.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat enough calories even if I'm not hungry.

Tomorrow I'm going to mow the lawn and remind myself that pushing the mower equals 350 calories burned.

Tomorrow I'm not letting the fat chick control my thoughts.  I hate that chick.

Diet Advice From an Unlikely Source

I was watching a tv show today.  I'm not actually going to mention the show because I totally judge myself for watching it so I don't need all of you judging me too. But I heard the best diet advice ever.  It really rings true for me and I might even put it up on the wall in my gym.

"Diet food is for lazy people."   ~Ice T

 You know, it is.  I've been obsessing about food for decades.  DECADES.  I love food and hate it at the same time.  How can you not love this:

 Thick, delicious challah bread.  it is SO good and I don't even care that the gluten will kick my butt as it is that worth it.

But why can't I have it? No reason.  I can have anything if I work hard, burn calories, and get fit.  Anything.  Not just food.  i can change my life.  I've been looking at this all the wrong way.  Who knew that Ice T would be inspiring?

The Fat Chick Cometh

I look like a fat-ass.

No, this isn't some insult to motivate ploy.  It is on purpose though.  I bought some Fila workout gear that is super soft, lightweight, comfy, and downright cute.  It is however, skin tight.  I can see every lump, bump, and handful of blubber that I want gone.  Thanks to the bright blue trim, all my body imperfections are perfectly highlighted.  Instead of buying my normal style of clothes, I decided to think outside the box.  I took a picture of myself wearing the outfit pre-workout (in fact I'm still pre-workout since I'm procrastinating by typing this because I'm kinda scared to start the 30 Day Shred program) so that I can compare pictures with future pictures and hopefully can really see the weight loss.

Will I share these pictures with you?  Yes.
Now?  Not a chance.  I can handle showing you a "before" pic.  Just not a "now" pic

It's kind of funny actually.  Refreshing too.  To be able to truly see what needs to be fixed.  I think taking a pic once a week is my plan.  Although, doing it every day and then making a video that shows me shrinking has a lot of appeal.  opinions?

As for this little piece of terror, It better work.  I'm watching my food like a hawk.  Starting pure today.  Completely clean eating.  Super simple foods.  Tonight will be grilled chicken breast with corn and a gripload of fresh pea pods.  Only water to drink.  I'm not even going to risk having tea.  Dang it Jillian Michaels. Your program claims I can "lose up to 20 pounds in 30 days!"  I'd be thrilled with half of that.  I'd be happy with 6 since that would put me at 20 pounds lost.  Heck, as long as I lose something I can deal.  I DO think I'm pretty darn determined though.  It there is a big loss waiting for me, I'm out to get it.  If the Shred fails, there is always Sweating to the Oldies right?  Right?


EDIT:  Oh my God.  I just finished my first day of the video and I've gotta tell you the following things:

1. I hate that chick.  Not like personally, more like "Stop telling me to keep going while you just stand there talking about those of us that are actually doing the exercises!" and "She lies!  She said we were done and THEN we had to do bicycle crunches which sucked at the end."
2. I had sweat pouring off my body at the end.
3. I consider myself a polite woman but I was swearing like a sailor during the workout.
4. Do not do the workout in the basement.  I almost didn't make it back up the stairs to the living room afterwards.
5. I'm starving.

I Wanna Rock

You know what?

I am SO sick of people limiting the goals and sometimes dreams of other people.  I've had a bad last two weeks.  I had some life crud going on, I was discouraged from losing weight and exercise, and I was having a major pity party for myself.  The worst part, I couldn't even have cake at my pity party because the cake I crave is definitely not on the diet at this time.  I'm sick of negative people and I'm sick of myself for allowing them to weasel their thoughts into my subconscious and even conscious thoughts.

You know what?

I don't care if it's vain.  I don't care if I'm "not losing weight for the right reasons".  I don't care if you think I'm just gonna fail.  I don't care whether you think my eating habits are dumb.  I don't care whether I get "healthier".

I just wanna not be fat.  I wanna rock.  I want to kick my own butt and make that fat chick in the mirror go to hell.

I want to love myself like a fat kid loves cake.  I want to wear dresses and feel pretty in them.  I want to be happy.  I want to be thin and toned. 

I have the right to rock. 

I'm going to rock.

I'm working on a new playlist right now.  I'm getting together all the songs that make me rock and then I'm going to rock n roll this weight off.  I'm gonna do it because I want to.  Not because other people think i need to.  Screw them.  This is between me and my internal fat chick.  It might get ugly.  It'll be worth it. I'm not gonna take it anymore.  I'm gonna fight.  Anyone who tries to stop me or slow me down is gonna pay.  It's my life.

In an effort to start fresh today and in butt kicking mode, I've traded in my breakfast yogurt or toast for something a tad different to hopefully get my body out of this rut it's in.  I must have shocked my system with that quick 14 pound weight loss.  I gained 2 of it back and officially lost them again as of this morning. 

So I had a lovely breakfast of organic Cascadian Farm Honey Nut O's in whole milk with blueberries on top.  I'm going back to basics.  Simple, clean foods, that also happen to be delicious.  I'll have scrambled eggs, albacore, cauliflower, and maybe some fruit later.  For dinner we'll do something in the grilled chicken with quinoa and veggies realm.  Maybe some cherry Jello for dessert.  Because although there is no more room in my mind for a fat chick to dwell there, as far as my belly is concerned, there is always room for Jello.

If you have read this whole rant, please treat yourself to a pat on the back.  Even I had to stop halfway through and come back later.

What the Hell?

I refuse to do the whole measurement thing.  It's too depressing.  I haven't lost a single pound in two weeks.  In fact, I've gained half a pound. Could be building muscle, but still.  I need to not be fat.  I need to feel good about myself just once and that darn scale was coming pretty darn close to making me feel good.  I'm a pound away from 15 lbs lost.  Throw me a frickin' bone! 

Be warned.  I AM in a mood today.

Since I'm venting, here are a couple more things that have irked me lately:

• When people ask for diet/exercise help, why do people insist on listing things that aren't accessible to everyone?  I've been repeatedly told to take up swimming, to use a certain phone app to get fit, and to buy the P90X system.  Yeah, most people don't have a swimming pool or spend the high rate for a big gym plus pool membership.  Also, most people don't have app friendly phones and I'm sure as hell not going to go out and buy a $300 phone just to track calories.  Oh, and heart rate monitors...  $100 might be "cheap" to you, but it's sure as hell not to me.  that's more than I spend on food in a whole week.
• Don't assume that people need to lose weight because they have trouble with self-control.  Not all of us are fat because we can't avoid eating a whole tub of ice cream a day or because we think fast-food is the best choice for dinner each night.  Get this:  some of us are fat because we don't want to be fat.  To avoid being fat, I slowly restricted myself for years.  I ate less than the skinny girls I hung out with.  I turned down seconds of a tasty dinner even if it was healthy.  Turns out, I wasn't eating enough to lose weight. I was inadvertently starving myself.  I was eating less than half of what I'm supposed to eat. Thanks to all the jerks in the world like the guys who barked at me on different occasions, the waiter who assumed I wanted a salad and diet coke, and the blind date guy who had meth-mouth (eww) but left the date early because he thought I'd be prettier.

Kick Me

Kick me.

Seriously.  Feel free to get a little aggression or anger out.  I can take it.  I'm begging for it.  Just get it over with.  There must be a sign taped to my back entreating those around to "Kick Me".  Otherwise why am I the target?

Is it because I'm fat? Does that make me less worth of human kindness?
I'm I a loser that obviously cannot succeed at anything I attempt?
What does sabotaging me do?  Are my failures your victories?
Is my pursuit of happiness all in vain and you hope to save me from disappointment?
Are you just a bad person?

I'm sorry to rant but those are the thought going through my mind lately.  There is no strength.  My little niece reminds me to "just keep swimming" but I feel like I've lost my abilities and can only dog-paddle to keep my head above water.  This last week has been hard.  Everyone knows I'm dieting and working out.  I tell people because it keeps me honest, I hope then that they'll support me by not offering me non-diet foods, and because I don't mind a little positive attention.  If people know you're dieting, they're not afraid to ask you if you've lost weight.  Apparently, no one's afraid to speak their mind anyway.

Let me tell you a few stories.

I was being driven around town after a doctor's appointment yesterday.  The game plan was to hit up some yard sales, maybe get a bit of lunch, and then to be dropped off at home.  I look up to discover where we are going as we park in front of a cupcake shop.  Going in, the driver inquires of me which cupcake look best.  My response: "I don't have an opinion since I can't eat any of them. As you know, I'm dieting."  Her response: "Oh whatever!  You can have a couple.  I give you permission."

Them: I have a pair of jeans you can have.
Me: Why don't you want them?
Them: They don't fit me right.
Me: How come?
Them:  I lost weight and now they're fat jeans. but they'll fit you.

So if you see a "kick me" sign on my back, just do it and get it over with.  kick me, I'm fat.  I'm over it.

Eat That

I think the fates read my last post and took pity on me. 

That's a good thing since I was starting to think self-destructive thoughts already.  I don't think I would have acted on them, but they were there.  That fat chick in me is not going down without a fight.  Whispering in my ear that I am a pig and need to stop eating so much, and then following it up with the conflicting message that I'm too weak to succeed anyway so I should just throw in the towel and go get a cookie.  Or a box of cookies.  Well, I'll show her.  She's been exceedingly quiet this morning.  She hasn't felt so smug since I stepped on the scale at eight a.m.

Eat THAT fat chick.

Monday Ramblings

I am so frickin' stuffed.  I just ate lunch and it was huge and delicious.  Lettuce, tuna, cheddar and a bit of mayo in a pita with cherries on the side.  I could barely finish it and it wasn't even 300 calories.

It's so funny.  I feel like I'm eating all the time now.  I'm doing three meals and three snacks a day for a total of at least 1500 calories.  It's been a struggle since healthy food tends to be low calorie and then I have to eat tons of food to meet my quota.  I was always told that you had to restrict your calories in order to lose weight.  Apparently, that's not true after all.

I haven't had any major personal victories this week but I did get a free dose of joy courtesy of my husband.  He was talking this weekend (he brought it up like five times) about how amazing it is to see what he is eating nightly since not too long ago he hated a lot of the things I serve him now.  He's developed a love of steamed cauliflower and broccoli, only has soda once a week when he eats lunch out with his coworkers, and encouraged me to make pistachio pudding because "it's worth a try."  I'm so proud of him for giving all these changes a shot.  I know that he would be happy eating pizza, burgers, pasta, and heavy casseroles every night. BUT he's doing it for me.  I have never had anyone support me so fully.  What a great guy.

Happy Reward Saturday!

Today is my off diet day and I did it up in grand style.  I didn't eat excessive calories, but the calories I ate were deliciously nutrient deficient.

Brunch was at noon and consisted of:

• two over-medium eggs
• five strips of low sodium bacon
• one hash brown square
• one slice of low calorie toast
• one cup of 100% pure orange juice

Normally, I eat three meals and three snacks a day.  Hopefully I eat enough to equal 1500 calories.  I only ate 1420 today, but I don't dare add another bite.  Breakfast wasn't too ridiculous, but dinner was not diet friendly.

Dinner was at five pm and consisted of:

• a glass of coca-cola
• steamed dumplings with dipping sauce
• pressed duck with plum sauce

Overall a thoroughly delicious day.   We went to the market this morning and bought an almost obscene amount of vegetables and fruits.  We actually like them.  Both of us, not just me.  Although I enjoyed today, I am totally excited about this coming week.  I'm reaching for the "15 lost" goal and can almost feel it in my hand.  Now to go out and get it.

In related diet news:  I was slapping my thigh in time with some music and notice that even relaxed, it doesn't jiggle like it use to.  Not sure if it's due to fat loss or muscle gain, but I like it.