How to Cope?

For me, weight loss is all about routine.

When I'm successful it's because I find something that works and then repeat the process over and over as long as I get results.  When I fail it's never because of a single thing.  It's because I keep doing the wrong things over and over again.  Not rocket science. So it's no surprise that things start to go wrong for me in the world of weight loss when schedules are involved.

Spring semester classes are starting once again and just like always, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  My orderly world of:

• Eat at 9am
• Exercise/work
• Eat at 11am
• Chores/work
• Eat at 2pm
• Errands/work
• Eat at 4pm
• Make dinner
• Eat at 7pm
• Watch a little tv

...it's all going to be turned on its head come Monday.

I've gotta start packing foods/snacks to go again.  I've gotta shift workouts to late in the day.  I've got to meal plan everything instead of just dinners.  I've got to hope the added stress doesn't knock me back to my fattest days when I'd skip breakfast, often lunch, and then just eat a small dinner because my stomach had shrunk so much from lack of food.

I've done this before many times and gotten through.  I still worry though.  That's just my nature.  While there is nothing wrong with a soda or candy bar once in a while, will I start picking it up as a habit between classes?  Will not being a morning person cause me to oversleep and not have time to pack my lunch?  Will I just fail?

I don't ask myself these things to be negative.  I'm one of those people that always likes to be prepared.  If I can recognize potential problems before they arise, perhaps I'll be better prepare to battle them then.

South Beach is Working

So about the South Beach Diet...

Yeah.  It works for me.

I was so skeptical. It hasn't been easy though.  The food choices on this first phase are SO boring.  But since it's working, who am I to complain too much?  My husband and I have decided to have a party day on Sunday in celebration.  We'll go out for pizza (which my husband has been craving incessantly) and just make a freebie day of it food-wise and then jump right back on the wagon the next day.  We're not going to go into phase two fully though.  Still staying away from the breads, potatoes, and pastas, but we're going to add corn, carrots, and the occasional piece of fruit.  The corn and carrots are a big thing since our side dishes at dinner have been so boring.  Broccoli, asparagus, peas and green beans are just a constant splash of green on our dinner plates.  It'll be nice to be able to add some veggie medleys in again.  I don't think it'll derail us either.  Since it's not like we're going to go on a corn binge.

I find myself lately to be praying for spring weather.  It's still too cold overall (or too sloppy with melting snow) and I'd love to start an evening habit with my husband.  Maybe just a nice walk.  Or even a bicycle ride if I can find one for him at a decent price.  I don't think the poor man has ridden an actual bike in decades.  I really would love to have some sort of exercise that we could do daily together.

I'm Frustrated

I'm really down on myself today.

I'm fighting to get it under control but it's hard.  Today is my easy day for working out but that just means I'm not going to run and don't have the 200 sit-up challenge to do. (Which IS going well.)  Here is my game plan as far as working out:

• mow the lawn without setting the mower on automatic.  It'll take an hour of pushing for my big lawn.
• clean all the floors.  A little vacuuming but mostly wood floor scrubbing.
• walk for an hour on an incline at a decent clip.
• do laundry.  It'll require multiple trips up and down the stairs since I won't use the basket.
• jumping jacks.  As many as I can do.
• crunches.  Just a few.

It just doesn't seem like enough.  Nothing I do ever seems like enough.  I looked so darn fat when I looked in the mirror today.  I know I just started six weeks ago, but I feel like I should look just a tiny bit less fat by now.  No miracles.  I just need a self-confidence boost.

Side note:  I ordered new workout gear from Fila.  If it doesn't fit, I'm gonna cry.

  I'm not asking for weight-loss to be easy.  I'd just like my efforts to be rewarded in a bit of a more obvious way.  I'm at almost 15 pounds lost and I cannot see any difference.  Sometimes I think some part of me is thinner or smoother, but there really isn't a change.  I'm so frustrated. I want to scream. More importantly, I want to do more and am scared of overdoing it.  I don't want to add any extra muscle yet.  I just want the fat gone.

Anyone have any tips or tricks to help me shed this crap?  Both the weight AND the emotional baggage?

New Week - New Program - New Strength

I'm starting a brand new program today.  Well...  programs. I've kinda meshed a few programs into one big "Kick the Fat Chick's Ass" super-program.  Here is what I did today:

• 5 sets of crunches. (9-9-6-6-35)
• 30 jumping jacks (I haven't done those in FOREVER)
• 1 mile fast walk on a level 8 incline (15:00)
• 1 mile speed bike ride (3:20)
• 25 Ab Roller crunches

I'm also planning on doing my long walk later once I can feel my legs again.  It's on an incline too. It's a nice walk at about 3 mph, for an hour, while watching television.  Just work enough to keep my heart rate in the fat burning zone.  I need to know I'm in that zone more than ever.  Due to my increased workouts in the last month, I have been hungry constantly.  I can't remember ever being hungry before.  My metabolism must have awakened from it's decade-plus long comatose state. I'm eating right in my calorie range but dang!  I feel like a pig since I'm constantly eating. Three meals and three snacks a day.  Here is my meal plan for the day:

1. two slices of peanut butter toast
2. fage 0% greek yogurt with local honey
3. two fish tacos and steamed broccoli
4. bratwurst in a bun
5. grilled bbq chicken breast with broccoli, corn, and white chocolate pudding
6. popcorn with cheese powder sprinkled on top 

Kick Me

Kick me.

Seriously.  Feel free to get a little aggression or anger out.  I can take it.  I'm begging for it.  Just get it over with.  There must be a sign taped to my back entreating those around to "Kick Me".  Otherwise why am I the target?

Is it because I'm fat? Does that make me less worth of human kindness?
I'm I a loser that obviously cannot succeed at anything I attempt?
What does sabotaging me do?  Are my failures your victories?
Is my pursuit of happiness all in vain and you hope to save me from disappointment?
Are you just a bad person?

I'm sorry to rant but those are the thought going through my mind lately.  There is no strength.  My little niece reminds me to "just keep swimming" but I feel like I've lost my abilities and can only dog-paddle to keep my head above water.  This last week has been hard.  Everyone knows I'm dieting and working out.  I tell people because it keeps me honest, I hope then that they'll support me by not offering me non-diet foods, and because I don't mind a little positive attention.  If people know you're dieting, they're not afraid to ask you if you've lost weight.  Apparently, no one's afraid to speak their mind anyway.

Let me tell you a few stories.

I was being driven around town after a doctor's appointment yesterday.  The game plan was to hit up some yard sales, maybe get a bit of lunch, and then to be dropped off at home.  I look up to discover where we are going as we park in front of a cupcake shop.  Going in, the driver inquires of me which cupcake look best.  My response: "I don't have an opinion since I can't eat any of them. As you know, I'm dieting."  Her response: "Oh whatever!  You can have a couple.  I give you permission."

Them: I have a pair of jeans you can have.
Me: Why don't you want them?
Them: They don't fit me right.
Me: How come?
Them:  I lost weight and now they're fat jeans. but they'll fit you.

So if you see a "kick me" sign on my back, just do it and get it over with.  kick me, I'm fat.  I'm over it.

Day of Rest

So, Sunday is my off day from planned exercise.  Yeah... totally didn't happen.

I was looking in the mirror this morning.  I have a major case of skewed self-image and always hate what I see when looking at myself.  Today was different.  Today I didn't like the fat, blemished, chick I saw but for a split second I saw something new.  The image in the mirror fazed in an out and I saw the image of who I could be if I can banish the other image from my sight.  Not that I have glimpsed  my possible future, I am more resolved than ever.

I need to destroy the fat chick.  I need to kick her ass.

My treadmill helped me burn at least 700 calories today.  I watched two hours of that 16 and Pregnant show and drank a liter of water while walking at a pretty decent clip despite the 10 degree incline.  I don't have as much treadmill finesse as my cat Lucy, but I think I got the job done.