How to Cope?

For me, weight loss is all about routine.

When I'm successful it's because I find something that works and then repeat the process over and over as long as I get results.  When I fail it's never because of a single thing.  It's because I keep doing the wrong things over and over again.  Not rocket science. So it's no surprise that things start to go wrong for me in the world of weight loss when schedules are involved.

Spring semester classes are starting once again and just like always, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  My orderly world of:

• Eat at 9am
• Exercise/work
• Eat at 11am
• Chores/work
• Eat at 2pm
• Errands/work
• Eat at 4pm
• Make dinner
• Eat at 7pm
• Watch a little tv

...it's all going to be turned on its head come Monday.

I've gotta start packing foods/snacks to go again.  I've gotta shift workouts to late in the day.  I've got to meal plan everything instead of just dinners.  I've got to hope the added stress doesn't knock me back to my fattest days when I'd skip breakfast, often lunch, and then just eat a small dinner because my stomach had shrunk so much from lack of food.

I've done this before many times and gotten through.  I still worry though.  That's just my nature.  While there is nothing wrong with a soda or candy bar once in a while, will I start picking it up as a habit between classes?  Will not being a morning person cause me to oversleep and not have time to pack my lunch?  Will I just fail?

I don't ask myself these things to be negative.  I'm one of those people that always likes to be prepared.  If I can recognize potential problems before they arise, perhaps I'll be better prepare to battle them then.

I'm Sick. Pity Me.

The title just about sums it up.  I have officially succumbed to the dreaded winter cold. 

My day today includes:

• Staring at the vacuum I plugged in but can't find the motivation to actually use.
• Drinking my calories in the form of ginger ale since it's the only thing my belly won't violently object to.
• Watching trashy tv. Currently "40 Most Shocking Divorces" on vh1.
• Sleeping or at least drifting off randomly.
• Watching the cats spread their toys across the living room floor in an evenly spaced fashion.

It also includes some moderate productivity:

• Organizing my school supplies for the new semester.
• Looking up the school books I need online.
• Losing the last of that holiday water weight.  Meh.
• Revamping my resume and filling out a fun, part-time job application.

I feel like such a pile. I can not bring myself to walk on the treadmill (the bouncing = vom), I am hungry but cooking would be a waste, and my Wednesday chores are ignored completely.

I'll be back when I feel like a human again.

I Wasn't Kicked

You know how life always seems to kick people when they're down?

I've been panicking up until about an hour ago.  Like stomach in knots, jittery, panicking and all because I hate to feel out of control and I was still waiting on info from one of my new classes.  It's an online course since I simply cannot imagine making the 45 minute commute to the main campus once the snow begins to fly around here.  My brother made that commute and it once took him 2 hours +.  No thank you.  Well.. I haven't got a syllabus.  I sent an email to the professor and thankfully she wrote back to me today before I could fully spiral into panic.  So that's all sorted.

Since the day was looking so good, I determined that I was in a good place to get some less than stellar news.  I'm been a tad sensitive lately.  So I hopped on the scale and braced for tragedy since I've been eating like absolute shite.  Or more specifically, not eating.

Imagine my surprise!  I lost a pound in the last week!  Someone must have taken pity on me because I don't deserve it.  I really didn't do anything positive besides the usual and even some of that I slacked off on.  I'm trying to promise myself to work harder.


Off topic:  Anyone ever read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley?  It was published in 1932 but it's terribly modern and brilliant.  I'm halfway through it.  Thoughts?

I'm Afraid

I'm going to school as of Monday!

I'm so excited to feel like I have a purpose in life again.  Being unemployed and constantly searching for jobs has made me feel useless and like a big old loser.  I like learning though.  My brain has felt so dull lately.  It'll be great to sharpen it up a bit.  You do lose it if you don't use it.

Even with all the excitement of new books, new bag, news folder, and new super-cute purple paperclips (because I HAD to have them) I am terrified. 

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to juggle being busy with my diet.  It was 3:30pm yesterday when I stopped and realized that I was dizzy from having only had a can of ginger ale all day.  Even with dinner I only ate 600-ish calories.  I know, I know.  There are people who wish they could reduce their calories down to a reasonable point to lose weight and here I am complaining that I need to eat more.  I'm sorry.  I can't just eat a pizza. I wish it was that easy. I've always had an easy time restricting things, adding things... not so much.  I rarely am ever hungry.  It's really hard to enjoy good food when you don't want to be eating it in the first place.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy good food.  BUT I would seriously be content with a soda, veggie cream cheese on an egg bagel, and popcorn for dinner each day.

What if I start gaining weight by going back to school?  What if I just don't have an appetite because I'd rather read and study than eat?  What if I'm a big ol' failure?

I now have a big knot in my stomach that i'm pretty sure is taking up the space food should go.