My Motivation... Have You Seen It?

Another week, another pound lost.

But I don't even care.  That makes me sad.  I should be all YAY I'M LOSING WEIGHT!!!!!! but instead i really can't even get motivated enough to celebrate.  I'd rather just sit here on the couch and... well... sit.  It's around seven pm on Saturday and my poor husband hasn't been fed dinner.  I don't even really care.  It's not like he's going to starve.  He'll fend for himself if need be.  The kicker?  I'M hungry and can't be bothered to make anything.  So yes, I am depressed. 

It's not a dire sort of depression as of yet.  I'm still here enough to recognize the problem and I'm pretty sure I could snap myself out of this round of it.  I'm gonna try anyway.  I've made a hair appointment for Tuesday.  I hate to spend money on myself. Hate it.  If it will make me feel beautiful, it'll be worth the cost.  Heck, the scalp massage is worth the cost.  While I'm there, I shall peruse their OPI nail polish selection and bring something pretty home to do my nails with.  Maybe something festive!  I wish I could find this:

It's OPI's color called "The Rainbow Connection" that's coming out along with the new Muppets movie in November.  I want it.  Doesn't it just look like a bottle full of happy?  Of course, I'll probably have talked myself out of spending money by then.

I Wasn't Kicked

You know how life always seems to kick people when they're down?

I've been panicking up until about an hour ago.  Like stomach in knots, jittery, panicking and all because I hate to feel out of control and I was still waiting on info from one of my new classes.  It's an online course since I simply cannot imagine making the 45 minute commute to the main campus once the snow begins to fly around here.  My brother made that commute and it once took him 2 hours +.  No thank you.  Well.. I haven't got a syllabus.  I sent an email to the professor and thankfully she wrote back to me today before I could fully spiral into panic.  So that's all sorted.

Since the day was looking so good, I determined that I was in a good place to get some less than stellar news.  I'm been a tad sensitive lately.  So I hopped on the scale and braced for tragedy since I've been eating like absolute shite.  Or more specifically, not eating.

Imagine my surprise!  I lost a pound in the last week!  Someone must have taken pity on me because I don't deserve it.  I really didn't do anything positive besides the usual and even some of that I slacked off on.  I'm trying to promise myself to work harder.


Off topic:  Anyone ever read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley?  It was published in 1932 but it's terribly modern and brilliant.  I'm halfway through it.  Thoughts?

Eat That

I think the fates read my last post and took pity on me. 

That's a good thing since I was starting to think self-destructive thoughts already.  I don't think I would have acted on them, but they were there.  That fat chick in me is not going down without a fight.  Whispering in my ear that I am a pig and need to stop eating so much, and then following it up with the conflicting message that I'm too weak to succeed anyway so I should just throw in the towel and go get a cookie.  Or a box of cookies.  Well, I'll show her.  She's been exceedingly quiet this morning.  She hasn't felt so smug since I stepped on the scale at eight a.m.

Eat THAT fat chick.

I Have a Problem

I should be happy but I'm not.

I haven't lost any more weight, but twelve pounds in a month is really good.  I know this.  The problem is that I think I'm skinnier but I'm not sure.  The obvious answer is to grab a measuring tape, measure everything, and then compare later.  But I can't.

The idea that I am fat was a hard one for me to deal with.  I have had strangers literally stop me on the street to tell me I should lose weight.  It baffles me a bit because it's not like I'm 700 pounds.  I use to just feel like I was on the bigger end of average, but after comments and barking... YES. I've had strangers drive past me and bark three different times and in 3 different states...  I just feel like that many people must know something or see something I didn't.  Now I see it.  I see it every day in the mirror and I try so hard not to look.  That damn fat chick stares back at me with her dopey expressions, bad skin, and practically triple chin.  I really do hate that chick.

To measure myself is too scary and potentially painful.  I don't know how horrible I would feel seeing those measurement numbers.  I just can't get up the guts yet.  I'm not that strong.

Happy Reward Saturday!

Today is my off diet day and I did it up in grand style.  I didn't eat excessive calories, but the calories I ate were deliciously nutrient deficient.

Brunch was at noon and consisted of:

• two over-medium eggs
• five strips of low sodium bacon
• one hash brown square
• one slice of low calorie toast
• one cup of 100% pure orange juice

Normally, I eat three meals and three snacks a day.  Hopefully I eat enough to equal 1500 calories.  I only ate 1420 today, but I don't dare add another bite.  Breakfast wasn't too ridiculous, but dinner was not diet friendly.

Dinner was at five pm and consisted of:

• a glass of coca-cola
• steamed dumplings with dipping sauce
• pressed duck with plum sauce

Overall a thoroughly delicious day.   We went to the market this morning and bought an almost obscene amount of vegetables and fruits.  We actually like them.  Both of us, not just me.  Although I enjoyed today, I am totally excited about this coming week.  I'm reaching for the "15 lost" goal and can almost feel it in my hand.  Now to go out and get it.

In related diet news:  I was slapping my thigh in time with some music and notice that even relaxed, it doesn't jiggle like it use to.  Not sure if it's due to fat loss or muscle gain, but I like it.

My Thinspiration

I'm super busy today.

My niece is spending the afternoon with me again and that means I have all my chores, exercising, and quota of trashy daytime TV to get in before the child arrives.  I'm posting some thinspiration today.  Not creepy pro-ana type stuff.  Just some pictures that I use at inspiration and a reminder as to why I'm doing this.  It's not just for my body.  It's for my soul. Maybe, just maybe it'll help you understand me more.  It's helping me understand myself.

 I'd like to not only have a smaller waist, but to have a waist that I wouldn't mind taking a picture like this one of.

 I want to feel graceful and light on my feet instead of like a lumbering hulk.

 I'd like to go out in public in a swimsuit and not have an anxiety attack about whether the huge t-shirt I wear over it is covering enough.

 I'd like to look like the kind of girl that has a treadmill and knows how to use it, instead of looking like the girl who can give you reviews of any restaurant in town.  Although, I totally can.

I want to order water because I think it's delicious, refreshing, and the most perfect thing on Earth. Not because i feel I have to.

Look at the Fat Chick!

I started my new diet and exercise program an Monday, April 25th.  I started this blog today as a way to log my results and thought along the way.

Am I dieting exclusively to get healthy, extend my life, or to get back to a happy size?  Nope.  Those things are all bonuses of course, but I'm doing this to not be fat.  Fat to me, isn't necessarily the state of being medically overweight or obese.  Fat is when the society you surround yourself with, whether intentionally or not, decides that you are larger than you should be.  You feel like the elephant in the room and are convinced that everyone else sees you that way.  The thought of going clothes shopping makes you feel like vomiting before you even get to the store and experience the anxiety, frustration and even shame.
My official weight loss goals both small and large:

• 6.25lbs per month
• 50lbs by Christmas
• Fit into my favorite skirt (It's a small 10)
• Walk 30-60 minutes every morning to stimulate breakfast hunger and start the day losing
• Use Aerobic DVDs at least 3 times per week (30 minute each - dancing)
• Use dumbbells on aerobic off days to tone arms.
• Consume more healthy calories
• Eat throughout the day as opposed to only 2 meals and a snack.
• Be able to do a 10k in time for the Jingle Bell Run
• Wear out my new running shoes by Christmas.
• Like what I see when I look in the mirror.

That last goal is in bold because it's the most important. I hate looking at myself.  All I see is fat.

CURRENT PROGRESS: 3 POUNDS GONE  47 TO GO