I'm Frustrated

I haven't posted in over a week and it's a shame.  I didn't post because frankly, there was nothing good to post about.  But that's not supposed to be the point of this blog.  I don't want to be one of those people that sugar coats everything.  Losing weight is generally not easy.  Developing good habits is not easy.

I've heard a lot of people lately are hitting the frustrated button and that they feel all alone.  You are not alone!  I think there are tons of people out there who are experiencing the same problems but are afraid they'll look like a failure if they admit to them.  You're not a failure until you quit.

I am barely losing weight.  I'm at 31 pounds lost total and that sucker barely moved at all this month even though I'm watching all my calories in and out. I'm eating only healthy food except for the Taco John's extravaganza on Tuesday because damnit, if I'm not losing weight anyway I might as well have some potato oles with cheese sauce (YUM).  I cut out most of my juice consumption, and I'm definitely hitting the gym.  It's the dreaded plateau again and it's driving me bonkers.  My brain is working against me again and I'm getting desperate. I don't just want, I NEED to lose that next 20-ish pounds.  People have been telling me to be happy with my body.  Well, people also tell you that if you don't like something you should fix it.  So I'm trying.

Showing the Fat Chick Who the Boss Is

Happy Monday!  Well, almost Monday.  I'm jumping ahead a bit since I'm actually looking forward to this next week.

I was feeling pretty down last week but some lovely people (and one lady in particular) know how to get me out of a funk.  I needed to snap out of it but I was in a "woe is me" sort of frame of mind.  Damn that fat chick.  Slowly whispering her poison words in my ear.  Damn me for falling for it again! 

She tried to make me feel insignificant.  She tried to make me believe I am a failure.  Well I showed her!

I lost weight again.  Will you look at that!  I'm only 6 pounds away from being halfway to my big goal!  I weighed in at almost 18.5 stone and I'm almost at 17 stone!  What's a stone you ask?  A pound is about .0714 stone.  I'd just flat out say my weight but to be honest, it grosses me out.  So at this point you'll either have to do the math if you're not familiar with units of mass that are used outside the U.S, or just take my word that I'm fat and my current weight indicates a significant improvement.  While it may not seem like a lot of success to you all, I'm just pleased the number is getting smaller instead of bigger.  I was (and still am) terrified that starting school would result in convenience eating, a return to poor nutrition, and a freshman-15 weight gain.  If the fat chick who is the visualization of my negative self image had her way, I'd be blubbering on the couch about how I just want to be happy.  She'd want me to bake a cake because cake makes everything better.  She's partially right, cake is magical, but also calorie laden.  She'd want me to ask my husband to pick up take-out because I'm too busy studying.  Too busy to cook?  Maybe this fat chick doesn't know me as well as she lets on?  She'd also not want me to blog.  The fat chick I see in the mirror wants me to be dependent upon her for all forms of validation.  She wants me to be lonely, fat, and without hope.

The fat chick forgot one thing though.  I really do hate that chick and I really do want to kick her butt.

I'm Afraid

I'm going to school as of Monday!

I'm so excited to feel like I have a purpose in life again.  Being unemployed and constantly searching for jobs has made me feel useless and like a big old loser.  I like learning though.  My brain has felt so dull lately.  It'll be great to sharpen it up a bit.  You do lose it if you don't use it.

Even with all the excitement of new books, new bag, news folder, and new super-cute purple paperclips (because I HAD to have them) I am terrified. 

I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to juggle being busy with my diet.  It was 3:30pm yesterday when I stopped and realized that I was dizzy from having only had a can of ginger ale all day.  Even with dinner I only ate 600-ish calories.  I know, I know.  There are people who wish they could reduce their calories down to a reasonable point to lose weight and here I am complaining that I need to eat more.  I'm sorry.  I can't just eat a pizza. I wish it was that easy. I've always had an easy time restricting things, adding things... not so much.  I rarely am ever hungry.  It's really hard to enjoy good food when you don't want to be eating it in the first place.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy good food.  BUT I would seriously be content with a soda, veggie cream cheese on an egg bagel, and popcorn for dinner each day.

What if I start gaining weight by going back to school?  What if I just don't have an appetite because I'd rather read and study than eat?  What if I'm a big ol' failure?

I now have a big knot in my stomach that i'm pretty sure is taking up the space food should go.