I Need an Un-Counselor

So I'm losing weight.  But I'm still not happy.

I started the South Beach Diet yesterday.  Before you go off on a tangent about how carbs are an important part of a balanced diet and how a body NEEDS them, I know.  I have a gluten sensitivity and shouldn't be eating breads, pasta, and such anyway.  So it's not a really big deal for me.  Essentially the first two weeks are just making me cut out excessive sugars (I drink more juice than I should), making me tone down my portions of starches like potatoes and rice (since I can make a whole meal of just these), and just breaking some bad habits I have gotten into.  My meals consist of mostly just lean protein and veggies with a bit of cheese here and there.  Lots of veggies (they have those good carbs).  I'm also doing the push-up, sit-up(crunches), and squat challenges again.  If you're interested you can find them here:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

My weight is down a bit more but I still don't feel good about it.  I mean, realistically I should be feeling great about it.  Here is my ticker as of this morning's weigh-in:

I'm impressed with myself.  That's not just a little weight. And yet, I STILL can't see it.  At all.  I am convinced that I truly do have some sort of body dysmorphic disorder.  I would think that 40 pounds loss should be a visible loss.  Something.  Anything.  But I don't see a difference despite the evidence I do have that includes small sized pants fitting and becoming too large, the guy I'm in class with on Fridays no longer has to scoot his chair forward for me to get by him, and even the fleeting image of myself looking decent in window and door reflections.  If I look in the mirror, I look exactly the same as I did a year ago, and really for decades.  I feel like I need an honest, unbiased, maybe even a harsh assessment of my image by a stranger.  If I could know for sure what other people really see when they look at me, perhaps I can begin to finally really tackle this horrible self-image problem.  I mean damn.  I don't ever feel pretty.  I just want to look in the mirror once and see the real me.  I know I can't be as hideous as what I see because frankly, I'm pretty sure no one would have ever married me if what I see was the visible norm.  it's pretty bad.

So if anyone knows any methods or homeopathic type therapies that might work for my problem, I'd really appreciate it.  I don't feel comfortable visiting any of the small number of counselors or psychiatrists in town because frankly, I've either worked with them or they know my father. Ethics and confidentiality are great, but i just wouldn't be comfortable.  So I'm going to have to continue to shrink myself.  Pun intended.

I Have a Game Plan

So plateaus..  yeah  BIG SUCK.

I tried switching everything up.  I tried everything I could think of.  No Good.  Still fat.

So I'm essentially starting over.  I've been eating at a maintenance the last few days and will continue it for another week in hopes it resets my whole metabolism.  Maybe?  And then I'm hitting the South Beach Diet hardcore.  I needed a sugar detox anyway.  My husband has requested to join me for at least the first two weeks and I'm excited and scared at the same time.  Excited that he's doing something with me, scared he's going to turn into a sugar-withdrawn, cranky, bear that growls at me all day.  He's also agreed to hop on board for some fitness challenges I'm starting on Monday, the 27th of this month.  I've taken part in the past and they were really fun:

http://www.twohundredsitups.com/ (modified to crunches)
http://hundredpushups.com/index.html
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/

SO...  hopefully that will have me singing again.  Singing songs of weight loss victory.  Only time will tell though.

Stupid weight.  Stupid fat chick.  *sigh*  Makes me want to kick people.  All those who say "Eat less.  Exercise more."  IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY!

I'm Frustrated

I haven't posted in over a week and it's a shame.  I didn't post because frankly, there was nothing good to post about.  But that's not supposed to be the point of this blog.  I don't want to be one of those people that sugar coats everything.  Losing weight is generally not easy.  Developing good habits is not easy.

I've heard a lot of people lately are hitting the frustrated button and that they feel all alone.  You are not alone!  I think there are tons of people out there who are experiencing the same problems but are afraid they'll look like a failure if they admit to them.  You're not a failure until you quit.

I am barely losing weight.  I'm at 31 pounds lost total and that sucker barely moved at all this month even though I'm watching all my calories in and out. I'm eating only healthy food except for the Taco John's extravaganza on Tuesday because damnit, if I'm not losing weight anyway I might as well have some potato oles with cheese sauce (YUM).  I cut out most of my juice consumption, and I'm definitely hitting the gym.  It's the dreaded plateau again and it's driving me bonkers.  My brain is working against me again and I'm getting desperate. I don't just want, I NEED to lose that next 20-ish pounds.  People have been telling me to be happy with my body.  Well, people also tell you that if you don't like something you should fix it.  So I'm trying.

Monday ~ Part 2

See this?

It's almost like an eclipse.  Pretty and the sort of thing you could stare at for a while.  Well...  20 minutes anyway.  That's the picture of my ceiling light down in my gym.  I laid on the floor staring at it because that's pretty much all I could bring myself to do after biking three miles in only 7 minutes.  I don't even know why I did it.  I just randomly was all "I wonder how quickly I could bike 3 miles?"

Fitocracy ~ Check it Out!

I have a competitive streak.

Not that I'm all "OMG I HAVE TO WIN!!"  I'm more "I have to prove I'm not a loser."

I am so glad that a beautiful Rugby Wife i know turned me on to this site.  I can already tell that I'm going to get so much out of it.

Here are the basics of it:

• social network type site - I've already met some great like-minded people.
• really easy to log workouts
• you can schedule workouts and get an email reminder when they're due
• there are groups by interest/region/age/whatever that have individual challenges
• there are quests.  I did one last night that included:  

                                                                   *40 bodyweight lunges
                                                                   *30 bodyweight squats
                                                                   *15 jumping squats
                                                                   *25 pushups
                                                                   *1/2 mile run

It felt GREAT!  The quest aspect pushed myself to complete even though that run was killing me after all those squats.

I think it might be a really great resource.  Really great.  You should check it out.  No cost, no worries.

If you do join, look me up on there.  My screen name is  KickMeImAnna

I've also started a group based off this blog (http://www.fitocracy.com/group/5560/) and have joined a local South Dakota group.  Hope to see you there!

Let's Talk Self-Image

Why isn't this working?

I figured that I'd see some kind of change in myself.  It's there.  Here is the proof:

• I'm wearing a loose size 14 jean instead of barely squeezing myself into a size 18.  
• I noticed yesterday that I no longer need to move the dining table's chair in order to squeeze past the dishwasher when it is open.
• Although still at 30 lbs lost, the weight has moved and now I'm .1 lb away from calling it 31.
• I've run 6 miles for time since Monday where I sprinted most of them. I rock a 9 minute mile.  I think I could barely walk a 20 minute mile when I first started this all.   It's gotten easy enough that I can read while leisure running/jogging and enjoyed the last half of the third Stephanie Plum novel that I'm rereading.
• My tummy is smaller.  When sitting on the couch, nothing is roll-ish when I look down.
• My fat upper arms, while still fat (thanks for the genetics mom!), are not nearly as water-wing-like as they were previously.
• When I contract my calf muscles, I have a very obvious cut in.  I'm pretty fascinated by it.

So even with this list of proof, and others that won't occur to me until after I click the "post" button, I don't SEE it. I can see bits and pieces but when looking at the big picture it's not there at all.  The stupid fat chick that is apparently still securely in residence in my psyche continues to be a major witch and is messing with me.  I try to tell myself positive things.  I try to look on the bright side.  I tell the fat chick in my head to shut up and that she's being ridiculous.  But this is still what I see when I look in a full mirror:

• Look at that gut.  I could never be on the show Biggest Loser because no way in hell would I be able to stand up in front of people in just a sports bra and shorts.  And forget about the tv audience.  No way.
• Seriously, a double chin.  It's not a full one but that's definitely face fat.
• Speaking of face fat, aren't their supposed to be cheekbones?  Oh, they're under that chub.
• Thank God it's not tank top weather, those arms almost flap like wings.  I suppose flying would be good cardio though.
• I can't even bear to look at my thighs or butt.

Am I just incapable of being satisfied and happy?   I want to be.  SO badly.  I don't understand why it's such a hard inner struggle.  My goals aren't anything ridiculous.  At least I don't think so.

• To be healthy enough to be an active, positive role model for children some day.
• To be able to take on challenges like a marathon and know that I've worked hard enough to earn my spot in the ranks of other competitors.
• To never again have a doctor use the word "obese" when talking about my weight.
• To be able to shop in all the stores with cute clothes and not worry about whether they've already sold the one fat size they usually have in stock.
• To lower the possibility of diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, and a bunch of other icky things.
• To be able to look in the mirror and think "I look cute today."

It's a Miracle?

Maybe a miracle.  Maybe.  I'm skeptical but I'll take it.  I weighed myself this morning and I'm totally down .8 of a pound since yesterday.  Which is weird since I didn't think I was bloated and my scale hasn't said anything favorable to me in weeks.  So I'm just going to pretend that it's a miracle based upon drinking a smoothie yesterday.  Practical?  No.  But I'm going to do it anyway.  I need a boost even if it is a bit of a fabrication.  Either way, I'm still fat.  I've taken to referring to myself as tubby.  My husband isn't pleased and it's probably some big negative mark on my self-esteem tally, but I can't help it.  All I see when I look in the mirror is a chick with a major weight problem.  I'm so sick of it.  Add that to two people in my life telling me what I'm doing wrong with my diet, and I'm about to snap.  Seriously, two months of weight watchers group does not make you an expert.  I'm no expert but dang!  At least I'm trying to figure this out on my own.

BUT  at least I'm eating well.  I'm not even kidding.  These smoothies are frickin' fabulous.  I don't usually push people to be followers and such but you have really got to try one!

Oatmeal and Berries Smoothie

Yield: 1 serving/2 cups


Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup OJ (whatever juice, I used the OJ + omegas)
• 1/2 ripe banana, peeled & frozen
• 1/2 cup of frozen raspberries
• 1 handful mixed spinach greens
• 1 tbsp chia seeds
• 1/2 tbsp honey
• 1/4 cup of ice
• 1/4 C rolled oats
• 1/4 cup yogurt (I used Fage 0%)

Directions:

1. Starting with the liquid, add in the juice. 
2. Now add in the chia seeds, honey, raspberries and oatmeal. 
3. Next, add in the spinach followed by the banana on top which will help weigh it all down.. 
4. Blend until smooth. 
5. Add in your ice cubes and blend some more.